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On the beach 2/27/2017
Two fleas met on the beach in Cuba , one of them had a terrible
flu. "What happened to to you" asked his friend.
"I came down on the moustache of a man on a motorcycle"
"look, next year you go to the airport, get on a toilet
seat in the stewardesses' lounge, and you'll
have a have a nice soft warm ride down." "Sounds
good, " wheezed the flea I'll try it." The next winter the two fleas met on the ...
0 Comments, 75 Views,
7 Votes
,3.30 Score
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CHICAGO 2/26/2017
I was in Macon Ga. the other day. I saw a bumper sticker on
a parked car that read:
"I miss Chicago ."
So I broke the window, stole the radio, shot out two of the
tires, added an Obama bumper sticker and left a note that
read, "I hope this helps.”
1 Comments, 63 Views,
18 Votes
,5.58 Score
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Be careful with this one 2/26/2017
Wife: "How would you describe me?" Husband:
"ABCDEFGHIJK." Wife: "What does that
mean?" Husband: "Adorable, beautiful, cute,
delightful, elegant, fashionable, gorgeous, and hot." Wife:
"Aw, thank you, but what about IJK?" Husband:
... "I'm just kidding!"
1 Comments, 59 Views,
17 Votes
,5.81 Score
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SCAM ALERT 2/26/2017
Just got scammed out of $25.
Bought Tiger Woods DVD entitled "My Favorite 18 Holes".
Turns out it's all about golf.
Absolute waste of money!
Pass this on so others don't get scammed!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
lol.
1 Comments, 29 Views,
10 Votes
,4.38 Score
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Little Bruce 2/21/2017
Little Bruce and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they know
they are in love. One day they decide that they want to get
married, so Bruce goes to Jenny's father to ask him
for her hand.
Bruce bravely walks up to him and says, "Mr. Smith,
me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in
marriage."
Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith
replies, ...
2 Comments, 140 Views,
7 Votes
,4.82 Score
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Bathtub Test 2/19/2017
During a visit to the mental asylum, I asked the Director
how do You determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
'Well, ' said the Director, 'we fill up a
bathtub, then we offer a Teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him
or her to empty the bathtub.'
'Oh, I understand, ' I said. 'A norm al person
would ask for the bucket..
No a ...
4 Comments, 133 Views,
24 Votes
,5.40 Score
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Big Trouble 2/19/2017
The population of this country is 300 million.
160 million are retired.
That leaves 140 million to do the work.
There are 85 million in school.
Which leaves 55 million to do the work.
Of this there are 35 million employed by the federal government.
Leaving 15 million to do the work.
2.8 million are in the armed forces.
Which ...
5 Comments, 119 Views,
15 Votes
,4.82 Score
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Firetruck 2/19/2017
A firefighter was working on the engine outside the station
when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon
with little ladders hung off the sides & a garden hose
tightly coiled in the middle.
The girl was wearing a firefighter's helmet. The wagon
was being pulled by her dog & her cat.
The fire fighter walked over to take a closer look. "That
sure is a nice fire ...
2 Comments, 119 Views,
22 Votes
,5.05 Score
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Orgasm Problem 2/19/2017
Woman goes to her doctor...And says “Doctor, every time I sneeze I have an orgasm!” .
Doctor says...“Are you doing anything for it?” “
Yea Snorting pepper.”
1 Comments, 54 Views,
12 Votes
,3.86 Score
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War Wounds 2/18/2017
There was a soldier in Nam that was famous for his socializing.
After about a year, he noticed a problem with his friend
and went in for a checkup. They had never seen anything quite
like the problem he had, but treated him with the usual meds
for social diseases. After the usual amount of time, they
noticed that the problem had not gone away, but had gotten
worse. They decided to send him to a ...
0 Comments, 97 Views,
7 Votes
,3.04 Score
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Math 2/17/2017
Lauren: Dad, do you know what the most commonly used letter
in a girl’s name is?
Me: Hmm, is it a consonant or a vowel? (Silence.) Please
tell me you know what consonants and vowels are.
Lauren: You’re no fun, Dad. Forget it.
Me: What is a vowel?
Lauren: OK, OK. A vowel is … ahh … eh … well, oh … uh
…
Me: Close enough.
0 Comments, 46 Views,
11 Votes
,1.86 Score
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Birthday 2/17/2017
A kindly old lady came across a little boy sitting on the
pavement crying his eyes out.
‘What’s the matter?’ she asked. ‘It’s my birthday!’
he hollered.
‘And I had a bicycle and a new tracksuit and this afternoon
there’s to be a party with crisps and jelly and a birthday
cake and a disco afterwards. . .’ and he had to stop talking
because he was crying so hard. ...
0 Comments, 68 Views,
3 Votes
,4.41 Score
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Gold Medalist 2/17/2017
Three women were sitting around talking about their sex
lives.
The first said, “I think my husband’s like a championship
golfer.
He’s spent the last ten years perfecting his stroke.”
The second woman said, “My husband’s like the winner
of the Indy 500.
Every time we get into bed he gives me several hundred exciting
laps.”
The ...
0 Comments, 74 Views,
5 Votes
,3.80 Score
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Blow job 2/17/2017
A groom waits at the altar with a huge smile on his face.
His best man asks, “Why do you look so excited?”
The groom replies, “I just had the best blow job I have
ever had in my entire life, and I am marrying the wonderful
woman who gave it to me.”
The bride waits at the other end of the aisle with a huge smile
on her face.
Her maid of honour asks, ...
0 Comments, 67 Views,
2 Votes
,5.20 Score
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Blonde 2/17/2017
Q: Why can't a blonde dial 911? A: She can't find the eleven.
1 Comments, 8 Views,
4 Votes
,4.80 Score
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Blonde 2/17/2017
A blonde and a redhead have a ranch. They have just lost their
bull. The women need to buy another, but only have $500.
The redhead tells the blonde, "I will go to the market
and see if I can find one for under that amount. If I can, I
will send you a telegram." She goes to the market and
finds one for $499. Having only one dollar left, she goes
to the telegraph office and finds out that it costs ...
1 Comments, 55 Views,
5 Votes
,4.12 Score
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Fat cow!!!!! 2/17/2017
Teacher: ", what does the chicken give you?"
Student: "Meat & eggs!" Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!" Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Student: "Homework!"
1 Comments, 12 Views,
3 Votes
,4.90 Score
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Blonde 2/17/2017
There was a blonde, a redhead, and a brunette. They were
all trapped on an island and the nearest shore was 50 miles
away. The redhead swam trying to make it to the other shore
she swam 15 miles, drowned, and died. The brunette swam
24 miles, drowned, and died. The blonde swam 25 miles, got
tired, and swam back.
1 Comments, 21 Views,
1 Votes
,5.00 Score
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Imagration 2/13/2017
2/3 of Donnald Trumps wives have been imagrents. That just
supports the idea that we need imagrents. To to the jobs
that Americans won't do.
1 Comments, 32 Views,
5 Votes
,2.16 Score
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Jokes 2/13/2017
I have no good jokes to tell
1 Comments, 9 Views,
3 Votes
,4.41 Score
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My fav. Blonde joke 2/2/2017
. A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna
hear a blonde joke?"
In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before
you tell that joke, you should know something. Our bartender
IS blonde and the bouncer is blonde. I'm a 6' tall
blonde, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is a
blonde, 6' 2, weighs 225 and he's a rugby player.
The fella to your right is 6' 5" ...
2 Comments, 143 Views,
18 Votes
,5.58 Score
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Who's the thief?? 2/1/2017
A thief stuck a pistol in a man's ribs and said, "Give
me your money."
The gentleman, shocked by the sudden attack, said "You
cannot do this, I'm a United States Congressman!"
The thief said, "In that case, give me my money!"
3 Comments, 66 Views,
17 Votes
,5.39 Score
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Relatives??? 2/1/2017
Ernie asks Joe, "If I slept with your wife and had a
would that make us related?"
Joe says to Ernie, "No but it would make us even."
1 Comments, 56 Views,
12 Votes
,4.74 Score
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You know what isn't funny? 1/31/2017
Sitting in your apartment, hearing your neighbors fucking like back door porn stars. Your partner playing video games. And your on the web instead of getting fucked like a porn star and your clit played with like a ps3 joy stick.
3 Comments, 34 Views,
4 Votes
,1.69 Score
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penis like a chimney!!! 1/24/2017
A redneck went to the hospital, as his wife was having a baby.
Upon arriving, he sat down as the nurse said to him. “Congratulations, your wife has had quintruples, five
big baby boys." The redneck said, "Well, I'm not surprised.
I have a penis on me like a fucking chimney." The nurse replied, "You might want to consider getting it cleaned. They’re all black
3 Comments, 74 Views,
10 Votes
,4.98 Score
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Golf 1/22/2017
Two doctors were putting on the ninth green when one collapsed from a heart attack. "Help me, " he groaned to his companion. "Sorry, my malpractice insurance won't cover
it, " his partner replied, walking off the green,
"but I'll get help." A few minutes later, he returned, picked up his club and began lining up hit putt. The man on the ground raised his head and screamed in Disbelief, "I'm dying ...
4 Comments, 129 Views,
10 Votes
,3.58 Score
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Funny joke 1/20/2017
Who else loves this joke ?
1 Comments, 41 Views,
0 Votes
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Furniture 1/20/2017
Man walks into a greengrocers and asks whether he has any
empty orange boxes as he wants to make furniture from them.
"Yes of course I do. There is a pile there . Take your
pick."
man checks the boxes & there are none that fit what he
wants. He then asks the grocer " Do you have any blood
orange boxes?"
" Sorry none of them at all. Why blood orange boxes
particularly?" ...
0 Comments, 87 Views,
9 Votes
,2.36 Score
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Why doesn't a chicken wear pants? 1/19/2017
Because his pecker is on his head
2 Comments, 7 Views,
4 Votes
,3.25 Score
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...payback... 1/16/2017
A family is at the dinner table. The asks the father,
“Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?” The father,
surprised, answers, “Well, , a woman goes through
three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons,
round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still
nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.”
“Onions?” the asks. “Yes. You see them and ...
3 Comments, 98 Views,
9 Votes
,3.85 Score
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