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The Dwarf Incident 10/8/2007
I ran up the back of a car this morning...
I tell you, I just knew it was going to be a REALLY bad day!
The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!
He looked up at me and said, "I am NOT Happy!"
So I said, "Well, which fucking one ARE you then?"
And that's when the fight started.
2 Comments, 146 Views,
13 Votes
,2.30 Score |
|
A Fairy Tale 10/8/2007
One day, long, long ago, there was this woman who surprisingly,
did not whine, nag, and bitch........
But this was a long time ago.....
and it was just ONE day.
The End
1 Comments, 93 Views,
8 Votes
,1.62 Score |
|
Pavarotti 10/8/2007
Pavarotti knocks on the pearly gates
St Peter opens them and says ' Oh it's you Luciano,
come on in. Squeeze through'.
Pavarotti says ' Hold on, I've got an envelope
for you, from the Pope.'
St Peter opens it up and reads it.
'HERE'S THAT TENOR I OWE YOU'
1 Comments, 93 Views,
10 Votes
,1.79 Score |
|
An old man, a boy & a donkey 10/8/2007
An old man, a boy & a donkey were going to town. The boy
rode on the donkey & the old man walked. As they went
along they passed some people who remarked it was a shame
the old man was walking and the boy was riding.
The man and boy thought maybe the critics were right, so
they changed positions.
Then, later, they passed some people who remarked, "What
a shame, he makes that ...
1 Comments, 109 Views,
9 Votes
,3.00 Score |
|
No arms or legs. 10/8/2007
A man was lying on a blanket at the beach He had no arms or legs.
Three women were walking past and felt sorry for the poor
man.
The first woman said "Have you ever had a hug"
The man said "No", So she gave him a hug and walked
on.
The second woman said "Have you ever had a kiss".
The man said "No", So she gave him a kiss and walked
on.
The third ...
1 Comments, 108 Views,
10 Votes
,3.39 Score |
|
Lawyers lol 10/8/2007
These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts of America,
and are things people actually said in court, word for word,
taken down and now published by court reporters, that had
the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were
actually taking place.
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active? WITNESS: No, I just lie there. --------------------------------------------- ...
2 Comments, 91 Views,
8 Votes
,3.25 Score |
|
Health Questions and Answers lol 10/8/2007
Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong
life; is this true? Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's
it... Don't waste them on exercise . Everything wears
out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you
live longer; that's like saying you can extend the
life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer?
Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut ...
1 Comments, 42 Views,
4 Votes
,2.47 Score |
|
Globalization 10/8/2007
INTERNATIONAL THINKING AT ITS BEST !
Question: What is the truest definition of Globalization?
Answer: Princess Diana's death.
Question: How come? Answer: An English princess with an Egyptian boyfriend
crashes in a French tunnel, driving a German car with a Dutch
engine. The car is driven by a Belgian who was drunk on Scottish
whisky, (check the bottle before you change the ...
1 Comments, 48 Views,
3 Votes
,2.94 Score |
|
Smart Woman 10/8/2007
There was a man who had worked all of his life, had saved all
of his money, and was a real misery when it came to his money.
Just before he died, he said to his wife, "When I die,
I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with
me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me."
And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart
that when he died, she ...
1 Comments, 112 Views,
6 Votes
,4.79 Score |
|
Aliens have landed 10/8/2007
Two aliens landed in the New Mexico desert near a gas station
that had been closed for the night. They approached one
of the gas pumps and the younger of the two aliens addressed
it.
"Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us
to your leader." The gas pump (of course) didn't
respond. The younger alien started to get cross and the
older one said, "I wouldn't get mad if I ...
2 Comments, 103 Views,
8 Votes
,3.25 Score |
|
SEX AT THE SPEED OF LIGHT 10/7/2007
The Joy of Sexual Physics With Dr. Larry "Love is a matter of chemistry; sex is a matter of physics"
..> SEX AT THE SPEED OF LIGHT ________________________________________
Q Dr. Larry, My boyfriend, Rod, is an adventurous physics
student always looking for new ways to improve our sex life. ...
1 Comments, 76 Views,
5 Votes
,1.84 Score |
|
When 10/7/2007
Judge asked , "So when did you realize
you were ?"
replied, wiping her tears, "When the
check bounced."
3 Comments, 132 Views,
6 Votes
,2.80 Score |
|
my credit card does not exist, so.... 10/6/2007
how many points do I get for this?
3 Comments, 68 Views,
7 Votes
|
|
the whole finger ?? 10/6/2007
A guy calls his wife.Honey Im at the hospital! I cut off my
finger. She asked the whole finger?? He says no but it was the one next to it.
2 Comments, 146 Views,
5 Votes
,2.16 Score |
|
Upset Golfer 10/6/2007
A rather upset gentleman is in a competitive golf match
with a friend who is ahead by a couple of strokes. "Boy!
I'd give anything to sink this putt, " the golfer
mumbles to himself.
Just then, a stranger walks up beside him and whispers,
"Would you be willing to give up one-fourth of your
sex life?"
Thinking that the man is crazy and his answer will be meaningless,
the golfer ...
1 Comments, 66 Views,
1 Votes
,5.00 Score |
|
camping trip 10/6/2007
Three couples go on a camping trip together . wen it comes
time for bed the men sleep in one tent and the women sleep
in another.
in the middle of the night one man wakes up with a hard-on
and looks at the man next to him who is also awake , he says
to the man " i gotta go fuck my wife "
the man reply's " why is that "
the first man says " i got this hard on that wont ...
1 Comments, 236 Views,
7 Votes
,4.06 Score |
|
female prayer 10/4/2007
As he lays me down 2 hit, i pray his dick aint small as shit
&if his dick aint long & thick, ipray he's
good atlickin clit. Amen?
1 Comments, 126 Views,
6 Votes
,3.08 Score |
|
Old age & treachery will overcome youth & skill... 10/3/2007
To the Officers who work hard every day, This story was intended
in Good Humor, It was not intended to offend any of the Officers
out there who may read this...
As An older lady gets pulled over for speeding...
Older Woman: 'Is there a problem, Officer?' Officer: 'Ma'am, you were speeding.'
Older Woman: 'Oh, I see.' Officer: 'Can I see your license, please?'
...
0 Comments, 84 Views,
9 Votes
,2.36 Score |
|
Math thru the years... 10/3/2007
Fifty Years of Math 1957 - 2007
Last week I purchased a burger at Burger King for $1.58. The counter girl took my $2 and I was digging for my
change when I pulled 8 cents from my pocket and gave it to
her. She stood there, holding the nickel and 3 pennies,
while looking at the screen on her register. I sensed her
discomfort and tried to tell her to just give me two quarters,
but she ...
1 Comments, 84 Views,
11 Votes
,2.23 Score |
|
Five bucks a hole 10/3/2007
A fellow was getting ready to tee off on the first hole when
a second
golfer approached and asked if he could join him.
The first golfer said that he usually played alone, but
agreed to the
two-some. They were even after the first two holes.
The second guy said, "We're about evenly matched,
how about playing
for five bucks a hole?"
The first ...
1 Comments, 76 Views,
2 Votes
,4.50 Score |
|
size does matter 10/1/2007
A young woman walks into the drugstore and ask the pharmacist
if he sells extra large condoms.....he replies, " yes we do would you like to buy some?" she says " no but do you mind if I wait around here untill
someone does '
2 Comments, 98 Views,
7 Votes
,3.04 Score |
|
what we do for love !!! 10/1/2007
One eveing a husband comes home to his apartment very roughed
up. " when his wife sees him she ask, "what happen to you" 'I got into a fight with the apartment manager"
" what ever for?" " he said he had slept with every woman in the complex....except
one " the wife replies " I bet it's that stuck up mrs
franklin on the 3rd flr "
0 Comments, 68 Views,
5 Votes
,2.49 Score |
|
Nun and Skinhead 10/1/2007
A nun gets on a train, skinhead in front of her eating a bag
of prawns, he starts spitting the heads at her and she throws
them out the window and then pulls the emergency cord. Skinhead says "you'll get fined $50 for that
you stupid s**t". Nun replies " when I cry and they smell ur fingers
you'll get 10yrs u c**t!.
2 Comments, 109 Views,
5 Votes
,3.80 Score |
|
Iris dad 10/1/2007
The Irish had not been to the house for over 5 years.
Upon her return, her father cussed her; " Where have you been
all this time, you ingrate! Why didn't you write us, not even a line to
let us know how you were doing? Why didn't you call? You little !
Don't you know what you put your Mum through??!!"
The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff... Dad...
I became a ..."
"WHAT !!? ...
0 Comments, 230 Views,
6 Votes
,3.65 Score |
|
Teddy Bear 10/1/2007
A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar. They talk, they connect, they
end up leaving together. They get back to his apartment
and she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with
sweet cuddly teddy bears. Hundreds of cute small bears
on a shelf all the way along the floor, cuddly medium-sized
ones on a shelf a little higher, and huge enormous bears
on the top shelf along the wall.
...
0 Comments, 71 Views,
7 Votes
,3.04 Score |
|
West Virginia Department of Highways 10/1/2007
A West Virginia Department of Highways employee stopped
at a farm and talked with an old farmer. He told the farmer, "I need
to inspect your farm for a possible new road."
The old farmer said, "OK, but don't go in that
field." The Highways employee said, "I have the authority of the State of West Virginia
to go where I want. See this card? I am allowed to go wherever I ...
0 Comments, 78 Views,
5 Votes
,3.80 Score |
|
The Scotsman . 10/1/2007
A Scotsman phones a dentist to enquire about the cost for
a tooth extraction.
"£85 for an extraction, sir"
"£85? the man replies. Huv ye no'got anythin'
cheaper?"
"That's the normal charge, " replies
the dentist.
"Whit aboot if ye didnae use any anaesthetic?"
"That's unusual, sir, but I could do it and knock
£15 off."
"Whit aboot if ye used ...
0 Comments, 53 Views,
3 Votes
,1.96 Score |
|
Cinderella 9/30/2007
What did Cinderella say when she finally reached the Ball???
ANSWER----- ( make a sound as if gagging on a cock)
1 Comments, 65 Views,
4 Votes
,2.86 Score |
|
Legs Behind Your Head 9/30/2007
Two women were talking about their lives since they had
become Nursing home residents.
They both agreed that life was good but one woman, Ethel,
said she was rather upset because her sex life had really
died out since she and her Husband had come to the nursing
home.
The other woman said that her sex life was great!
"The secret to great sex is this, " the woman
told ...
2 Comments, 133 Views,
8 Votes
,3.01 Score |
|
Ship to Europe 9/30/2007
A depressed young woman was so desperate that she decided
to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. When
she went down to the docks, a handsome young sailor noticed
her tears, took pity on her, and said, "Look, you've
got a lot to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning,
and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take
good care of you and bring you food every day." ...
1 Comments, 81 Views,
3 Votes
,2.45 Score |
|
Confession 9/30/2007
In a small cathedral, a janitor was cleaning the pews between
services when he was approached by the priest.
The priest asked the janitor, "Could you go into the
confessional and listen to confessions for me? I really
have to go to the bathroom and Widow McGee is coming. She
tends to go on and on but never really does anything worthy
of serious repentance, so when she's done, just give ...
2 Comments, 105 Views,
4 Votes
,3.63 Score |
|
Sleep & Sex!!!!! 9/30/2007
Top 10 Reasons Why SLEEP Is Better Than SEX!
10. You don't feel guilty about doing it alone.
9. No one ever starts rumors about how much you sleep.
8. You don't feel like a total loser if you didn't
get any.
7. You don't have to pay for sleep.
6. You don't need to sleep after sleeping.
5. You can sleep for eight hours straight.
4. You ...
2 Comments, 67 Views,
4 Votes
,3.63 Score |
|
Sex Contest At Local Gas Station 9/30/2007
Two guys drove to a gas station for a fill-up because they
heard about a contest being offered by the station to patrons
who purchase a full tank of gas. When they went inside to
pay, the men asked the attendant about the contest.
"If you win, you're entitled to free sex, "
said the attendant.
"How do we enter?" asked the men.
"Well, I'm thinking of a number between ...
1 Comments, 98 Views,
4 Votes
,4.41 Score |
|
Best 9/30/2007
Four men got together to play golf one sunny morning. As
they were heading out to the course, one of them was detained
by a phone call.
The other three were discussing their while walking
to the first tee.
"My , " said one proudly, "has made
quite a name for himself in the home building industry.
He began as a carpenter, but now owns his own design and construction
firm. He's ...
1 Comments, 155 Views,
8 Votes
,4.87 Score |
|
Custody 9/30/2007
GETTING CUSTODY WIFE, and Pepsi Cola
A man and his wife were getting a divorce at a local court,
but the custody of their posed a problem. The mother jumped to
her feet and protested to the judge that since she had brought the
into this world, she should retain custody of them. The man also wanted custody
of his , so the judge asked for his side of the story.
After a long ...
1 Comments, 74 Views,
4 Votes
,4.80 Score |
|
Waiting 9/30/2007
>A foursome of guys is waiting at the men's tee while
another foursome of >women are hitting from the ladies' tees. The ladies
are taking their >time. > >When the final lady is ready to hit her ball, she hacks
it ten feet. She >goes over and whiffs it completely. Then she hacks
it another ten feet, >and finally hacks it another five feet. > >? She looks up at the patiently waiting men and says ...
1 Comments, 70 Views,
3 Votes
,4.41 Score |
|
soul singer 9/29/2007
how do you turn a duck into a soul singer. put him into the
microwave till his bill withers
1 Comments, 58 Views,
5 Votes
,1.84 Score |
|
blondes again 9/29/2007
two blonde's walk into a building you'd think
one of them would see it
2 Comments, 105 Views,
7 Votes
,3.80 Score |
|
Info Overload 9/29/2007
The History of the Middle Finger
Well, now......here's something I never knew before,
and now that I know it, I feel compelled to send it on to my
more intelligent friends in the hope that they, too, will
feel edified. Isn't history more fun when you know
something about it?
Before the Battle of Agincourt in 1415, the French, anticipating
victory over the English, proposed to ...
1 Comments, 47 Views,
3 Votes
,3.92 Score |
|
Cunt Or....... 9/28/2007
What’s hairy on the outside and moist inside,
begins with a 'C' ends with a 'T' and has
U' and 'N' in the middle? Answer: 'COCUNUT'...
1 Comments, 86 Views,
5 Votes
,2.49 Score |
|
Problem with name 9/27/2007
Girl 1: I can't believe a sweater could cause problems
in my relationship with John. Girl 2: Why? Did you loose his sweaater? Was it expensive?
Girl 1: No. Two days ago I went to his apartment but he wasn't
there. The weather was very cold. So I grabbed a sweater
from his bedroom to wear. I returned it the next day but found
there was a name on it. Girl 2: Oh, I see. The sweater wasn't his ...
1 Comments, 74 Views,
4 Votes
,2.47 Score |
|
Before and after marriage 9/27/2007
Before marriage Man: Yes! It's finally the time. I can't wait.
Woman: Are you going to break up with me? Man: Absolutely not! Don't even think about it. Woman: Do you still love me? Man: Of course. Woman: Will you take advantage of me? Man: No. Why would you ask that? Woman: Will you kiss me? Man: Yes. Woman: Will you hurt me? Man: No way. I'm not that kind of man. Woman: Can I trust you? ...
2 Comments, 71 Views,
6 Votes
,2.80 Score |
|
I'll be your huckleberry! 9/27/2007
In the days of the Wild West, there was a young cowboy who
wanted more than anything to be the greatest gunfighter
in the world. He practiced every minute of his spare time,
but he knew that he wasn't yet first-rate and that there
must be something he was doing wrong.
Sitting in a saloon one Saturday night in Kayenta, Arizona
he recognized an elderly man seated at the bar who had the ...
10 Comments, 172 Views,
41 Votes
,3.94 Score |
|
DEFINITIONS 9/27/2007
ATTRACTION:the act of associating horniness with a particular
person. LOVE AT 1st SIGHT:what occurs when two extremely horny,
but not entirely choosy people meet. DATING:the process of spending enormous amounts of money,
time, and energy to get better acquainted with a person
whom you don't especially like in the present and will
learn to like a lot less in the future. BIRTH ...
1 Comments, 35 Views,
4 Votes
,3.63 Score |
|
Comparisons 9/27/2007
A dick and a foot were complaining about their lives. The
foot said, "He puts a smelly sock on me, puts me in a shoe, and makes me run
around until I get all sweaty".
The dick said, "That's nothing, he makes me put
on a leather overcoat, climb into a dark cave, and do push-ups until I puke."
1 Comments, 44 Views,
5 Votes
,2.49 Score |
|
Canoe 9/27/2007
Two women are hiking in the woods. After an hour or so, they
come to a stream. Unable to cross, they decide to walk along
the stream and look for a narrower place. Fortunately they come to an old bridge spanning the stream.
Deciding the bridge safe, the two women proceed to cross.
Halfway across, one woman stops and says to the other, "I`ve
always wanted to be like the guys, and urinate ...
1 Comments, 75 Views,
6 Votes
,4.50 Score |
|
What does a kiss taste like? 9/27/2007
One day a teacher had a taste test with her students. She
picked a little boy to do the first test. She blindfolded
him, put a Hershey kiss in his mouth and asked, "Do
you know what it is?"
No, I don't, said the little boy. Okay, I'll give
you a clue. It's the thing your daddy wants from your
Mom before he goes to work.
Suddenly, a little girl at the back of the room yelled, ...
2 Comments, 84 Views,
5 Votes
,4.77 Score |
|
Wonders 9/27/2007
What are the three wonders of women?
1.They can produce milk without grazing...
2.They can bleed for 7 days without dying...
3.And they can bury a bone, deeper than a dog, without getting
their nose dirty.
1 Comments, 30 Views,
3 Votes
,3.43 Score |
|
Piano Player Wanted 9/27/2007
This is a funny joke I had to share.....bear with me, the
ending is worth it.
A piano bar is looking for a new piano player. A guy walks
in holding the sign inquiring about the job, and the manager
has him play a tune for him. He sits down and plays, what to
the manager is, the best damned song he's ever heard.
He stops him and says, wow...that is wonderful!! I have
never heard that song ...
2 Comments, 73 Views,
7 Votes
,2.02 Score |
|
Old Love! 9/27/2007
A husband in his back yard is trying to fly a kite. He throws
the kite up in the air, the wind Catches it for a few seconds,
then it comes crashing back down to earth. He tries this
a few more times with no success. All the while, his wife
is watching from the kitchen window, Muttering to herself
how men need to be told how to do everything.
She opens the window and yells to her husband, ...
5 Comments, 83 Views,
6 Votes
,4.79 Score |
|
Silent Farts 9/27/2007
A guy walks into his doctor's office. He says, "Doctor,
I'm suffering from silent gas emissions. All day at work, I have these
silent gas emissions. Last night during a movie, I had 10
silent gas emissions. This morning in the car on the way
to your office, I had five silent gas emissions. And, while waiting in your waiting room I had
three silent gas emissions. Right now, as a matter of ...
1 Comments, 53 Views,
5 Votes
,4.12 Score |
|
JUST A LITTLE 9/27/2007
There's this couple and they've been dating for
quite some time. He wants her really bad, but she won't
sleep with him because she's saving herself for marriage. As they were kissing, and
doing their thing, he's very hot and bothered, and
he said, Oh come on, just a feel She said, "no, I'm
saving myself for marriage." They went back and forth. He said, "Just
one feel, I promise, that's all, ...
1 Comments, 57 Views,
5 Votes
,4.12 Score |
|
Blow...... 9/27/2007
Two woman were talking about the new hunk in the neighborhood.
But he acts so stupid, said one to the other. "I think
he must have his brains between his legs."
Yeah, her friend sighed, "but I'd sure love to
blow his mind."
1 Comments, 59 Views,
4 Votes
,3.25 Score |
|
The drunk and the confessional box! 9/26/2007
A drunken woman staggers in to a Catholic church and wanders
over to the confessional box.She opens the door, sits down
and says nothing.
The bewildered old priest waits for a few minutes, allowing
the drunken woman some time to collect her thoughts.
Growing impatient, the old priest coughs to attract her
attention, but still the womman says nothing.
The priest then ...
7 Comments, 150 Views,
39 Votes
,2.50 Score |
|
Car Accident 9/26/2007
I had a terrible car accident i ran over three scousers on
a zebra crossing, the first went through the windscreen,
the second dented my bonnet and the third got hit up the road
200 yards, the police have been great!!! The first is being
done for breaking and entering the second for criminal
damage and the third for leaving the scene of a accident.
2 Comments, 79 Views,
9 Votes
,3.43 Score |
|
Licked clean! ! ! 9/26/2007
One day this old man was driving for hours through the country
side and needed to go to the bathroom urgently. He sees an
old store off the side of the road, proceeds to the washroom
an barely gets his pants down before squirting out a couple
quarts of flu diarrhea.
When he was finally finished shitting some 15 minutes later,
he looked around and noticed to his horror there was no ...
15 Comments, 219 Views,
42 Votes
,2.93 Score |
|
Caught in the Act! 9/26/2007
A woman takes a lover home
during the day while her Husband is at work.
Her 9 year old comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the Bedroom cupboard to watch.
Just after getting into bed the woman's husband also
comes home.
She puts her lover in the cupboard, not realising that the
little boy is in there ...
2 Comments, 139 Views,
8 Votes
,4.17 Score |
|
Well technically.... 9/25/2007
One day, a little boy asks his father what the difference
is between 'technically' and 'reality.'
", I won't tell you the dictionary definition
in fear that it will confuse you. But to help you out, I'll give you something to do. Go ask your mother if she will sleep with a bum for $500, 000
and ask your sister is she'll sleep with the garbageman
for the same amount." So, the little boy goes up ...
2 Comments, 149 Views,
12 Votes
,5.27 Score |
|
Blind Man.... 9/25/2007
Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the
last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits.
After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide
to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude.
In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door.
"Who is it?", calls one ...
1 Comments, 76 Views,
5 Votes
,2.82 Score |
|
Too Much Tequila... 9/25/2007
A man and his wife enter a bar. They sit down at the bar and
order a couple drinks. The wife notices another man staring at her. Her husband
then stands up and excuses himself to the bathroom. The man who had been staring at the woman walks over and whispers
in her ear. "I want to lick your nipples, and then I want to squeeze
your ass, and finally, I want to fill your pussy up with tequila and ...
1 Comments, 115 Views,
8 Votes
,5.33 Score |
|
The Prayer 9/25/2007
FEMALE PRAYER --------------- Before I lay me down to sleep, I pray for a man, whos not a creep, One whos handsome, smart and strong One who loves to listen long, One who thinks before he speaks, One who'll call, not wait for weeks. I pray hes gainfully employed, When I spend his cash, wont be annoyed. Pulls out my chair and opens my door, Massages my back and begs to do more. Oh! Send me a man ...
1 Comments, 62 Views,
4 Votes
,2.86 Score |
|
BEST LAWYER JOKE OF THE MONTH... 9/25/2007
Two lawyers had been stranded on a desert island for several
months.The only thing on the island was a tall coconut tree
that provided them their only food. Each day one of the lawyers
would climb to the top to see if he could spot a rescue boat
coming.
One day the lawyer yelled down from the tree, "WOW,
I just can't believe my eyes. There is a woman out there
floating in our direction." ...
4 Comments, 168 Views,
8 Votes
,5.33 Score |
|
Ingredients in Viagra....... 9/24/2007
They finally released the ingredients in Viagra
3% Vitamin E 2% Aspirin 2% Ibuprofen 1% Vitamin C 5% Spray Starch 87% Fix-A-Flat
3 Comments, 105 Views,
7 Votes
,3.80 Score |
|
Why it's important to understand English! 9/24/2007
I had a bunch of Canadian dollars I needed to exchange, so
I went to the currency exchange window at the local bank.
Short line. Just one lady in front of me. . .an Asian lady
who was trying to exchange yen for dollars and she was a little irritated
. . .
She asked the teller, "Why it change?? Yesterday,
I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I get hunat eighty?? ...
1 Comments, 83 Views,
4 Votes
,4.02 Score |
|
Mob boss, Mob bookkeeper, Mob lawyer! 9/23/2007
A mob boss finds out that his bookkeeper has screwed him
out of ten million bucks. His bookkeeper is deaf. It was
considered an occupational benefit, and the reason he
got the job in the first place, since it was the mob bosses
ass! He was glad that a deaf bookkeeper would not be able
to hear anything that he'd ever have to testify about
in court.
When the mob boss goes to shakedown the ...
10 Comments, 189 Views,
40 Votes
,3.80 Score |
|
old men 9/22/2007
Do you know why they give the men in convalescent homes viagra...
to keep them from rolling out of bed.
4 Comments, 160 Views,
6 Votes
,2.51 Score |
|
Say Another Joke 9/22/2007
Husband says to wife "Tell me something that will
make me both happy and sad at the same time"
wife replies "your cock is bigger that your brothers"...
1 Comments, 176 Views,
8 Votes
,5.33 Score |
|
its dark in here 9/22/2007
A married woman is having an affair. Whenever her lover
comes over, she puts her nine year old in the closet.
One day the woman hears a car in the driveway and puts her
lover in the closet, as well.
Inside the closet, the little boy says, "It's
dark in here, isn't it?"
"Yes it is, " the man replies.
"You wanna buy a baseball?" the little boy asks.
"No ...
1 Comments, 106 Views,
6 Votes
,2.51 Score |
|
somethings you cant explain now 9/22/2007
A farmer is sitting in the neighborhood bar
getting stewed. A man comes in and asks the farmer, "Hey,
why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?"
Farmer: "Some things you just can't explain."
Man: "So what happened that is so horrible?"
Farmer: "Well if you must know, today I was sitting
by my cow milking her. Just as I go the bucket about full,
she took her left ...
1 Comments, 82 Views,
6 Votes
,0.80 Score |
|
the guy with an alligator 9/22/2007
A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He
puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished
patrons and says, "I'll make you a deal. I will
open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals
inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute.
He will then open his mouth and I will remove my unit unscathed.
In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you ...
1 Comments, 58 Views,
4 Votes
,3.63 Score |
|
why not a female firefighter 9/21/2007
why should you not date a female fire fighter?
after a days work there is nothing you can whip out thats
going to impress her
1 Comments, 71 Views,
4 Votes
,2.47 Score |
|
The Nun at Hooters 9/21/2007
A nun, badly needing to use to the restroom, walked into
a local Hooters. The place was hopping with music and loud conversation,
and every once in a while the lights would turn off. Each time
the lights woul d go out, the place would erupt into cheers.
However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent.
She walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please
use ...
1 Comments, 87 Views,
2 Votes
,4.50 Score |
|
Calling in sick to work 9/21/2007
I called in sick once... The boss asked what was wrong and
I told her I had rectal-keratotomy... Because I couldn't
see my ass getting into work today. LOL
2 Comments, 172 Views,
5 Votes
,2.82 Score |
|
What is butt dust? 9/21/2007
What, you ask, is "Butt dust?" Read on and you'll
discover the joy in it!
These have to be original and genuine. No adult is this creative!!
JACK (age 3) was watching his Mom breast-feeding his new
baby sister. After a while he asked: "Mom why have you got
two? Is one for hot and one for cold milk?"
MELANIE (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny
replied she ...
1 Comments, 111 Views,
4 Votes
,5.57 Score |
|
Women?????? 9/20/2007
Ralph returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the
doctor has told him he has only 24 hours to live.
Given this prognosis, Ralph asks his wife for sex. Naturally, she agrees, and they make love.
About six hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says,
"Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?" Of course, the wife agrees ...
1 Comments, 118 Views,
4 Votes
,5.19 Score |
|
It's them good ole boys! 9/19/2007
Two good ole boys were sitting around talking one afternoon
while fishing in the river over a cold Falls City beer, one was in Kentucky and
the other was on the north side of the Ohio river in Indiana.
The 1st guy says, "If'n I was to sneak over to your
trailer Saturday and make love to your wife while you was
off huntin', and she got pregnant and had a baby, would
that make us kin?" ...
7 Comments, 166 Views,
39 Votes
,3.32 Score |
|
Grandpa, tell me bout the good ole days! 9/19/2007
A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall.
He approached a uniformed policeman and said,
"I've lost my grandpa, help me!"
The cop asked,
"What's he like?"
The little boy replied,
"Crown Royal On-the-Rocks and women with big hooters."
11 Comments, 186 Views,
37 Votes
,1.63 Score |
|
A tall chick ! 9/19/2007
A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich
behind him.
The waitress asks them for their orders.
The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke, "
and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"
"I'll have the same, " says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order.
"That will be $9.40 please." The man reaches
into his ...
5 Comments, 139 Views,
39 Votes
,1.04 Score |
|
One Day 9/19/2007
One day a Jewish man said, "Last week, my wife and I
had great sex. I rubbed her body all over with schmaltz (chicken
fat), we made passionate love and she screamed for a full
5 minutes at the end!
A Frenchman boasted, "Last week when my wife and I
had sex, I rubbed her body all over with butter. We then made
passionate love and she screamed for a full 15 minutes at
the end!
An ...
1 Comments, 95 Views,
5 Votes
,4.45 Score |
|
Bedroom Antics 9/18/2007
One night, after the couple had retired for the night, the
woman became aware that her husband was touching her in
a most unusual manner. He started by running his hand across
her shoulders and the small of her back. He ran his hand over
her breasts, touching them very lightly. Then, he proceeded
to run his hand gently down her side, sliding his hand over
her stomach, and then down the other side ...
1 Comments, 167 Views,
11 Votes
,4.29 Score |
|
Short Fairy Tale 9/18/2007
Once upon a time, a girl asked a guy, "Will you marry
me?" The guy said, "No, " and the girl
lived happily ever after...and went shopping, drank martinis
with friends, always had a clean house, never had to cook,
had a closet full of shoes and handbags, stayed skinny,
and was never farted on.
The End
1 Comments, 58 Views,
2 Votes
,2.42 Score |
|
Two Skunks 9/18/2007
What do you call two skunks in the 69 position ?
A-- Odor Eaters
2 Comments, 79 Views,
6 Votes
,4.50 Score |
|
Lightest thing 9/18/2007
What is the lightest thing in the world ?
A-- A PENIS even a thought can lift it
2 Comments, 67 Views,
2 Votes
,3.81 Score |
|
Importian Guys In A Womens Life 9/18/2007
The most importian guys in a womens life are
:A Doctor : Because he says " Take off all your cloths "
A Dentist : Because he says " Lay down and open wide "
A Hair Dresser : Because he asks if you want it blown or teased ?
A Milkman : Because he asks if you want it in the front or back ?
and .......
A Banker : ...
1 Comments, 74 Views,
2 Votes
,4.50 Score |
|
Reminder 9/17/2007
Thought for the day
Handle every situation like a dog.
If you can't Eat it or Screw it.
Piss on it and Walk Away
2 Comments, 43 Views,
3 Votes
,4.41 Score |
|
Prostate 9/17/2007
There are over 11, 000 male urologists in the US .
But now a few women have entered the field.
A man goes to a female urologist who has excellent Medical
credentials, but is also drop dead gorgeous, for an exam.
The female doctor says, "I am going to check your prostate
today, but this new procedure is a little different from
what you are probably used to. I want you to lie on ...
1 Comments, 93 Views,
3 Votes
,4.41 Score |
|
computer wins 9/17/2007
One day, Pete complained to his friend, "My elbow
really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor." His friend
said, "Don't do that. There's a computer
at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and
cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine,
and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you
what you can do about it. And it only costs $10.00. Pete figured he had ...
1 Comments, 92 Views,
1 Votes
,5.00 Score |
|
Biker Women 9/16/2007
Biker Lady
A little old lady had always wanted to join a local biker
club. One day she goes to the club and knocks on the door.
A big, hairy, bearded biker with tattoos all over his arms
answers. She proclaims, "I want to join your club."
The guy was amused and says she needs ! To meet certain biker
requirements in order to join. The biker asks, "Do
you have a motorcycle? ...
2 Comments, 111 Views,
7 Votes
,4.82 Score |
|
USRSF 9/15/2007
The Pentagon announced TODAY the formation of a new 500-man
elite fighting unit called the United States Redneck Special
Forces (USRSF). These Southern boys will be dropped off into Iraq and have
been given only the following facts about terrorists :
1. The season opened today. 2. There is no limit. 3. They taste just like chicken. 4. They don't like beer, pickups, country music, or
Jesus. 5. ...
6 Comments, 154 Views,
39 Votes
,1.20 Score |
|
Cheeseburger in Paradise ! 9/15/2007
A crusty old biker, on a summer ride in the country, walks
into a tavern and sees a sign hanging over the bar which readsHEESEBURGER:
$1.50 CHICKEN SANDWICH : $2.50 HANDJOB: $10.00
Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks
up to the bar and beckons to one of the three exceptionally
attractive women serving drinks to a group of farmers."Yes?"
she inquires with a knowing ...
6 Comments, 170 Views,
44 Votes
,2.27 Score |
|
Recall Notice 9/15/2007
The Maker of all human beings is recalling all units manufactured,
regardless of make or year, due to a serious defect in the
primary and central component of the heart. This is due to a malfunction in the original prototype units,
code named Adam and Eve, resulting in the reproduction
of the same defect in all subsequent units. This defect has been technically termed "Subsequential ...
1 Comments, 51 Views,
3 Votes
,1.47 Score |
|
Black Testicles 9/15/2007
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an
oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated
from a difficult four hour, surgical procedure. A young,
student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.
"Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask.
"Are my testicles black?" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't
know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your ...
1 Comments, 67 Views,
6 Votes
,3.65 Score |
|
A Cowboy Named Fred 9/15/2007
A drunken cowboy lay sprawled across three entire seats
in the posh Amarillo Theater. When the usher came by and
noticed this he whispered to the cowboy, "Sorry sir,
but you're only allowed one seat." The cowboy groaned but didn't budge. The usher became
more impatient: "Sir, if you don't get up from
there I'm going to have to call the manager."
Once again, the cowboy just groaned. The ...
1 Comments, 67 Views,
2 Votes
,3.81 Score |
|
123 Ways to Annoy, Harass, Confuse or Generally Scare Lord Voldemort 9/15/2007
1. Ask him why he 'doesn't have such a cool scar?'
2. Laugh at him. 3. Wake him up by singing Beach Boys songs in his ear. 'Round,
round, get around, I get around...' 4. Knit him things. Really hideous things. 5. Give him kangaroo-ears for a month. 6. Smile during Death Eater meetings and say you taught
him everything he knows. 7. Chew bubblegum all the time. Should he address you, your
only ...
1 Comments, 24 Views,
2 Votes
,3.81 Score |
|
Why Parent's Drink 9/15/2007
A father passing by his 's bedroom was astonished
to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked
up. Then he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow
that was addressed to "Dad." With the worst
premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands
and read the letter.
Dear Dad:
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing
you. I ...
1 Comments, 79 Views,
5 Votes
,4.45 Score |
|
Toilet seat 9/15/2007
The wife was fed up with the laziness of her husband because
he didn't lift the toilet seat up when he pissed. The
toilet seat became a big wet mess every morning. So she yelled
at him, "Look you lazy bum, if you make a mess on the
toilet seat one more time you will clean it up with your tongue!"
Next morning, the wife went to the bathroom and found the
toilet seat squeaky clean. So ...
2 Comments, 122 Views,
4 Votes
,4.41 Score |
|
Be strong honey ! 9/14/2007
A young strapping young man and his beautiful young blonde
headed wife in their early 20's were broken into their
home one night by an escaped convict as they slept one night
naked.
The burly old convict in his 40's quickly tied the young
man up over a bedroom chair face forward with his ass in the
air and his hands tied to the bottom of the chair. Then he
tied the wife to the bed spread ...
9 Comments, 149 Views,
36 Votes
,1.08 Score |
|
bad boys, bad boys, whatcha gonna do? 9/13/2007
two minorities are sitting in a car. who's driving?
the police officer!
1 Comments, 68 Views,
3 Votes
,1.47 Score |
|
mouse & giraffe 9/13/2007
one day a mouse and a lion were sittin in a bar gettin shitfaced.
a female giraffe walks in and sits at the other end of the
bar. after awhile, the lion leans to the mouse and says "hey,
that giraffe's checkin you out"! the mouse then
walks over, whispers something in the giraffe's ear
and then they get up and leave. about an hour later the mouse
walks back in and he sweating and he's exhausted. ...
1 Comments, 85 Views,
7 Votes
,4.31 Score |
|
Flex-Wings...Period!!! 9/12/2007
Dear Mr. Thatcher,
I have been a loyal user of your "Always" maxi
pads for over 20 years and I appreciate many of their features.
Why, without the Leak Guard Core or Dri-Weave absorbency,
I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing,
and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down
the beach in tight, white shorts.
But my ...
2 Comments, 86 Views,
4 Votes
,2.47 Score |
|
Say again???? 9/12/2007
An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going
out with each other for a long time.
Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time
to get married.
Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long
conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed
finances, living arrangements and so on.
Finally, the old gentleman ...
1 Comments, 71 Views,
7 Votes
,5.33 Score |
|
funny 9/12/2007
The word of the day is dictate.
Buckwheat please use it in a sentence.
O-Tay, Betty how's my dictate!
1 Comments, 33 Views,
3 Votes
,1.96 Score |
|
Missing Rooster 9/11/2007
The priest in a small Irish village loved the cock and ten
hens he kept in the hen house behind the church.
But one Saturday night the cock went missing!! The priest
knew that cock fights happened in the village, so he started to question
his parishioners in the church the next morning. During Mass, he asked the
congregation, "Has anybody got a cock?" All the men stood up.
"No, ...
1 Comments, 60 Views,
6 Votes
,3.65 Score |
|
West Virginia Letter - from mom 9/8/2007
Dear ,
I am writing this slow 'cause I know you can't read
fast. We don't live where we did when yo left. Your Dad
read in the paper where most accidents happen within twenty
miles of home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you
the address 'cause the last family that lived here
took the numbers with them for their next house so they wouldn't
have to change their address. ...
1 Comments, 140 Views,
7 Votes
,4.57 Score |
|
Peanut In His Ear! 9/8/2007
One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts.
He'd toss them in the air, then catch them in his mouth.
In the middle of catching one, his wife asked him a question,
and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear.
He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing
it in deeper. He called his wife for assistance, and after
hours of trying they ...
1 Comments, 127 Views,
9 Votes
,4.71 Score |
|
Curiosity explains it! 9/8/2007
A little boy and a little girl, both about eight years old,
were playing in the sandbox. Unexpectedly, the little
boy farts, causing a little sand between his legs to shift.
The little girl notices, and squeals with laughter. 'How'd you do that?" she asks. "Easy, " he exclaimed, "I just farted."
"Can I try it, " she ask. "Sure, " he says, "anybody can do it."
She concentrates as she strains and ...
1 Comments, 161 Views,
10 Votes
,5.97 Score |
|
Choke on this one....... 9/8/2007
.....you see, my girlfriend...well... she's belemic.
It's really put a strain on our relationship. For example:
She is a clothes finatic....which makes gift buying durring
the Holiday season and birthdays nearly impossible. She
never stays the same dress size long enough for me to get
it right.....so finally I just gave up on the clothing thing.
From now on I'm only getting her GAG gifts!
2 Comments, 75 Views,
8 Votes
,2.32 Score |
|
What's head? 9/7/2007
A Priest is downtown when a walks up, "Hey father,
head, $10.00."
The Priest didn't understand and went back to the church.
He asks a nun, "What's head?"
The nun says, "$10.00, same as downtown!"
7 Comments, 212 Views,
42 Votes
,1.16 Score |
|
The longest dicks ! 9/7/2007
Two men were standing on a bridge over a creek about 25ft.
above the water and they decided to measure their dicks
since there had been an argument between the two.
The first man pulls out his dick and flops it over the rail
of the bridge and the head of his dick is barely touching
the water. He says, " Dam that creek water is cold
on the head of my dick. Beat that!"
The other ...
19 Comments, 299 Views,
45 Votes
,3.23 Score |
|
how to deal with officious cops 9/7/2007
A guy gets pulled by a traffic cop for speeding doing 53 in
a 50 zone. a little annoyed but accepting that technically
he is at fault he apologies to the officer and politely tries
his best to talk his way out of a ticket and into a verbal warning
but the cop isn't having any of it. eventually the guy
realizes this cop isn't gonna be dissuaded from issuing
the ticket especially as he is now ...
1 Comments, 126 Views,
5 Votes
,4.77 Score |
|
The Knob 9/7/2007
A woman visited her plastic surgeon who told her about a
new procedure called "The Knob, " where a small
knob is placed at the top of the woman's head and can
be turned to tighten up her skin and produce the effect of
a brand new face-lift. Of course, the woman wanted "The
Knob."
Over the course of the years, the woman periodically tightened
the knob and the effects were wonderful. She ...
3 Comments, 104 Views,
8 Votes
,4.41 Score |
|
PHONE CALL FROM HELL 9/7/2007
A man gets a phone call from the doctors "its about
ur wife"
"What about my wife"
"Well shes be in for test and we have mixed up the results
and we dont know whether she has altzeihmers or aids"
"What should i do?"
"Well if she finds her own way home, dont fuck her"
4 Comments, 197 Views,
9 Votes
,5.56 Score |
|
HYPNOTIST 9/6/2007
A woman comes home and tells her husband, "Remember
those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're
gone." "No more headaches?" the husband
asks, "What happened?"
His wife replies, "Margie referred me to a hypnotist.
He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and
repeat 'I do not have a headache; I do not have a headache, I do not have
a headache.' It ...
6 Comments, 160 Views,
8 Votes
,4.17 Score |
|
Grandma's Letter! 9/6/2007
She is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car.
She writes:
Dear Grand-:
The other day I went up to our local Christian book store
and saw a "Honk if you love Jesus" bumper sticker.
I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had
just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed
by a thunderous prayer meeting. So, I bought the sticker
and put it ...
3 Comments, 141 Views,
5 Votes
,4.77 Score |
|
Chinese Virgins!!! 9/6/2007
A young Chinese couple gets married. She's a virgin.
Truth be told, he is a virgin too, but she doesn't know
that. On their wedding night, she cowers shyly under the
sheets as her husband undresses in the darkness.
He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring."My
darring, " he whispers, "I know dis your firss time and you berry flighten.
I plomise you, I give you ...
2 Comments, 131 Views,
8 Votes
,4.41 Score |
|
cuddle 9/6/2007
What the deal with sex these days? Nobody wants to cuddle.
The whores just get out of the car and leave.
2 Comments, 62 Views,
3 Votes
,2.45 Score |
|
sporting-good store 9/6/2007
A lady goes into a sporting-goods store & saysto the
salesman, "i need a present for my 's birthday"
The salesman say, "how about this skateboard?"
She says, How much?'He say's "thirty- nineninety-five"
She says "too much" He says "how about
this baseball bat?" she says "how much."
He says "Eight ninety-five." she says "All
right, i take it."he says , "You wanna ball for
the bat?" She says, No ...
3 Comments, 68 Views,
2 Votes
,2.42 Score |
|
sporting-good store 9/6/2007
A lady goes into a sporting-goods store & saysto the
salesman, "i need a present for my 's birthday"
The salesman say, "how about this skateboard?"
She says, How much?'He say's "thirty- nineninety-five"
She says "too much" He says "how about
this baseball bat?" she says "how much."
He says "Eight ninety-five." she says "All
right, i take it."he says , "You wanna ball for
the bat?" She says, No ...
1 Comments, 31 Views,
1 Votes
,5.00 Score |
|
Birthday present. From the heart. 9/6/2007
A guy want to buy a present for his girlfriend. They just
start going out recently. After careful consideration,
he bought her a pair of gloves. And write her a romantic personal
message.
He went to the department store with the girlfriend's
sister. He bought a pair of white gloves while the sister
bought two panties for herself.
But the staff at the store made a mistake and ...
3 Comments, 78 Views,
6 Votes
,2.80 Score |
|
Very good dentist 9/6/2007
A man and a woman met at the bar. They seem to hit it off pretty
well. An hour after they met, they decided to go to the woman's
condo. After a few more drinks, the man took off his shirt and washed
his hands. He then took off his socks and washed his hands
again. "You must be a dentist", the woman said. "How can you tell?" "Easy, you always wash your hands".
One thing lead to ...
3 Comments, 145 Views,
5 Votes
,4.45 Score |
|
American, Canadian, and Scottish 9/5/2007
After a plane crash, three men, an American, a Sottish,
and a Canadian, stood in front of gateway to afterlife facing
the grim reaper. The grim reaper said, "I do not have
space here to take you at this time. How about we make a deal?
If you pay me $200 now I will send you back to the land of the
living." The American said, "Done!". He paid the grim
reaper $200 and "poof" He rematerialized ...
3 Comments, 152 Views,
5 Votes
,4.45 Score |
|
Living Will 9/5/2007
Last night, my wife and I were sitting in the living Room
and I said to her, "I never want to live in a vegetative
state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle.
If that ever happens, honey, just pull the plug!"
She got up and unplugged the TV and threw out my beer.
She's such a Bitch...
3 Comments, 138 Views,
12 Votes
,5.63 Score |
|
Condom Buddies 9/5/2007
What did one condom say to the other
when they went by the gay bar?
"Do you wanna get shit faced?"...
1 Comments, 51 Views,
3 Votes
,3.92 Score |
|
Rodeo Sex 9/5/2007
Two cowboys are out on the range talking about their favourite
sex positions. One says, "I think I enjoy the rodeo
position the best." "I don't think I have
ever heard of that one", says the other cowboy, "what
is it?"
"Well, it's where you get your girlfriend down
on all fours, and you mount her from behind, and you reach
around and cup each one of her breasts in your hands, and
then ...
2 Comments, 102 Views,
10 Votes
,3.58 Score |
|
Why is liquor better than wife? 9/3/2007
1. Liquor never go shopping. You don't have to give
it money.
2. You can have international liquor without the problem
of language barrier. May it be American beer, French wine,
Japanese Sake. But international wife, you have to work
at it for years.
3. You can always cool liquor in the fridge. But cooling
down your wife requires lots of flowers, perfumes, tons
of gifts. ...
2 Comments, 103 Views,
4 Votes
,4.41 Score |
|
The new CEO 9/3/2007
A corporation is in trouble because of its performance.
The new CEO in charge faces with the task of get the corporation
back on its feet. First policy he implements is to increase
productivity and efficiency of the corporation. Anyone
who doesn't put 100% effort will be let go immediately.
After the meeting with department managers, he walked
with them to inspect the office. He saw ...
2 Comments, 74 Views,
3 Votes
,2.94 Score |
|
Strong medicine 9/3/2007
A woman saw her doctor and discussed about her husband didn't
make love to her as often any more. The doctor gave her some
sexual stimulant. He cautioned her, "Now this drug
is still experimental, just mix it with the meal when he
isn't looking and see what happened."
A week later, the same woman came back to see the doctor again.
"The drug really works. When I slipped it in my ...
2 Comments, 159 Views,
5 Votes
,4.45 Score |
|
Sex and nose picking 9/3/2007
One day a father and were talking.
: Dad, how does it feel to make love? Father: It feels like picking your nose. : So how come when making love, women moan like they are
happier than the men? Father: When you pick your nose, does your finger or your
nose feel better? : If the women feel better, why don't they like being
? Father: It's not the same. If you were walking along
the ...
2 Comments, 113 Views,
8 Votes
,2.32 Score |
|
roses 9/2/2007
A man comes home with a dozen red roses for his wife. She snapped at him, saying "I suppose you want me on
my back with my legs spread all week" The man answered, " why, don't we have a vase?"
1 Comments, 118 Views,
10 Votes
,3.58 Score |
|
Blonde joke 9/2/2007
A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come
over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out
how to get it started."
Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when
it's finished?" The blonde says, "According
to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.
She lets him in and shows him ...
1 Comments, 149 Views,
10 Votes
,2.59 Score |
|
The World's Shortest Fairy Tale 9/2/2007
Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl "Will you marry
me?" The girl said "No!" And the guy lived happliy ever after, and went fishing,
hunting, and played golf a lot, and drank beer, and farted
whenever he wanted.
1 Comments, 93 Views,
11 Votes
,1.48 Score |
|
Amish Sex 9/2/2007
An Amish woman and her were riding in an old buggy
one cold blustery day. The said to her mother, "My hands are freezing
cold." The mother replied, "Put them between your legs.
Your body heat will warm them up." The did, and her hands warmed up. The next day the was riding with her boy friend
who said, "My hands are freezing cold." The girl replied, "Put them between my legs. The warmth ...
1 Comments, 178 Views,
13 Votes
,4.32 Score |
|
CREATION 9/2/2007
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how
you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time."
The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God
made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!"
1 Comments, 88 Views,
7 Votes
,2.79 Score |
|
UNDERSTANDING WOMEN-A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE 9/2/2007
I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot
wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the
root, and still be afraid of a spider.
2 Comments, 82 Views,
8 Votes
,0.70 Score |
|
WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST 9/2/2007
She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her is on the cover of the Wheaties box. Her is on the cover of Business Week. Her boyfriend
is on the cover of Playgirl. And her husband is on the back of the milk carton
1 Comments, 102 Views,
9 Votes
,1.29 Score |
|
MAKING A BABY 9/2/2007
The Smiths were unable to conceive and decided
to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed
his wife good-bye and said, 'Well, I'm off now.
The man should be here soon.' Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby
photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to
make a sale. Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've ...
1 Comments, 126 Views,
8 Votes
,3.01 Score |
|
Scottish Joke 9/2/2007
A Scotsman moves to the US and attends his first baseball
game. The first batter approaches the batters' box,
takes a few swings and then hits a double.
Everyone is on their feet screaming 'Run!!!'
The next batter hits a single. The Scotsman listens as the crowd again cheers 'RUN!!
RUN!!' The Scotsman is enjoying the game and begins screaming
with the fans. The fifth batter comes ...
3 Comments, 107 Views,
10 Votes
,2.99 Score |
|
Polish Divorce 9/2/2007
A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl.
Although his English was far from perfect, they got along
very well until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could
arrange a divorce for him.
The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the
circumstances, and asked him the following questions:
L: Have you any grounds? ...
1 Comments, 94 Views,
4 Votes
,0.53 Score |
|
Who's got the biggest balls of them all? 9/2/2007
The game of choice for unemployed people or maintenance
level workers is basketball.
The game of choice for frontline workers is football.
The game of choice for middle management is tennis.
The game of choice for CEOs and executives is golf.
Conclusion: The higher up on the corporate ladder you are,
the smaller your balls are.
1 Comments, 53 Views,
5 Votes
,0.86 Score |
|
Car accident 9/1/2007
My friend was in a car sccident on the way to work the other
day. The guy he hit got out of his car, and he was a dwarf. He
very angrily came over to my friend, and said I am not happy.
My friend replied, then wich one are you?
2 Comments, 128 Views,
5 Votes
,2.49 Score |
|
a load of a different shot 9/1/2007
Taking a Tinkle
A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street
when a masked robber ran out of a bank and shot her three times
in the stomach. Luckily the babies were OK. The surgeon decided
to leave the bullets in because it was too risky to operate. She gave birth to two
healthy daughters and a healthy .
All was fine for 16 years, and then one walked into ...
4 Comments, 133 Views,
5 Votes
,5.43 Score |
|
The difference between guts and balls. 9/1/2007
Guts And Balls
We've all heard about people having guts or balls.
But do you really know the difference between them?
In an effort to keep you informed, the definition for each
is listed below...
GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys,
being met by your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask: "Are
you still cleaning, or are ...
4 Comments, 114 Views,
7 Votes
,5.33 Score |
|
The Funeral 9/1/2007
A woman was leaving a convenience store with her morning
coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching
the nearby cemetery.
A big black hearse was followed by a second big black hearse
about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary
woman walking a pit bull on a leash. Behind her, a short distance back,
were about 200 women walking ...
4 Comments, 147 Views,
7 Votes
,6.10 Score |
|
Eve's side of the story! 9/1/2007
After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit
Eve. 'So, how is everything going?' inquired
God. 'It is all so beautiful, God, ' she replied.
'The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells,
the sights, everything is wonderful, I have just one problem.
It's these breasts you have given me. The middle one
pushes the other two out and I am constantly knocking ...
0 Comments, 18 Views,
3 Votes
,3.43 Score |
|
The 11th Husband 9/1/2007
A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously
divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told
her new husband to "Please be gentle; I'm still
a virgin".
"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How
can that be if you've been married ten times.?"
"Well, husband#1 was a Sales Representative; he
kept telling me how great it was going to be.
"Husband # 2 was in ...
3 Comments, 118 Views,
6 Votes
,4.22 Score |
|
the name game. 8/31/2007
We get Bill out of William We get Peggy out of Margaret Get get Bob out of Robert How do we get Dick out of Richard?
Pour a pail of cold water over them.
1 Comments, 58 Views,
5 Votes
,2.16 Score |
|
Wrong Test Results 8/31/2007
MEDICARE COVERAGE IN A NUTSHELL
The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, 'Hello.'
'Mrs. Ward, please.'
'Speaking.'
'Mrs. Ward, this is Doctor Jones at the Medical Testing
Laboratory.When your doctor sent your husband's
biopsy to the lab yesterday, a biopsy from another Mr. Ward
arrived as well, and we are now uncertain which one is your ...
3 Comments, 127 Views,
6 Votes
,3.08 Score |
|
FATHER 8/31/2007
>A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading
a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards. >The little boy asked why he wore his collar backwards.
>The man who was a priest said, I am a Father. >The little boy replied. My Daddy doesn't wear
his collar like that. >The priest looked up from his book and answered. I am
the Father of many. >The boy said, My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls ...
2 Comments, 86 Views,
6 Votes
,3.93 Score |
|
man talking big 8/30/2007
Three guys are hanging out in a bar. two of them are talking
about how they control their wives, but the third guy is
quiet. After a while one of the first two turns to the third
and says, " well, what about you? What sort of control
do you have over you wife?" THe third guy says, "
just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees"
The first ...
1 Comments, 119 Views,
7 Votes
,4.06 Score |
|
Lifesavers 8/29/2007
A college professor was doing a study testing the senses
of first graders, using a bowl of lifesavers. He gave all
the the same kind of lifesavers, one at a time,
and asked them to identify them by color and flavor. The
were easily able to identify:
"Red............cherry, "
"Yellow.........lemon, "
"Green.........lime, "
"Orange..........orange."
...
1 Comments, 96 Views,
7 Votes
,4.57 Score |
|
Why, Why, Why 8/29/2007
Why, Why, Why
Do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries
are getting dead?
Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds"
when they know there is not enough money?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four
billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?
Why do they ...
2 Comments, 53 Views,
6 Votes
,3.65 Score |
|
A lesson learned 8/28/2007
This beautiful woman one day walks into a doctors office
and the doctor is bowled over by how stunningly awesome
she is. All his professionallism goes right out the window...
He tells her to take her pants, she does, and he starts rubbing
her thighs.
"Do you know what I am doing?" asks the doctor?
"Yes, checking for abnormalities." she replies.
He tells her to ...
4 Comments, 163 Views,
9 Votes
,3.43 Score |
|
Consequinces 8/28/2007
The newlyweds are in their honeymoon room and the groom
decides to let the bride know where she stands right from
the start of the marriage.
He proceeds to take off his trousers and throw them at her.
He says, "Put those on."
The bride replies, "I can't wear your trousers."
He replies, "And don't forget that! I will always
wear the pants in the family!"
The ...
3 Comments, 96 Views,
6 Votes
,3.93 Score |
|
Ha! Very crude and hilarious sex jokes 8/28/2007
A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and
holding a gun. He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open
the sperm bank vault. She says "But sir, its just a
sperm bank!", "I don't care, open it now!!!"
he replies. So she opens the door to the vault and inside
are all the sperm samples. The guy says "Take one of
those sperm samples and drink it!", she looks at him
"BUT, they are ...
3 Comments, 117 Views,
7 Votes
,3.80 Score |
|
Crude Jokes 8/28/2007
Q. What do you say to a virgin when she sneezes? A. Goes-in-tight!
Q. How do you know when you are getting old? A. When you start having dry dreams and wet farts.
Q. What's the definition of a Yankee? A. Same thing as a ''quickie'', only
you do it yourself.
Q. Why don't little girls fart? A. Because they don't get assholes until they're
married.
Q. Why do women ...
2 Comments, 85 Views,
5 Votes
,4.12 Score |
|
Book of manners 8/27/2007
REDNECK BOOK OF MANNERS > 1. Never take a beer to a job interview. > 2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting
at them. > 3. It's considered poor taste to take a cooler
to church. > 4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change
the sheets. > 5. Even if you're certain that you are included
in the will, it is > still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to ...
1 Comments, 49 Views,
3 Votes
,2.45 Score |
|
It's Starting to Rain! 8/27/2007
Two blondes were in a parking lot trying
to unlock the door of their car with a coat hanger. First Blonde: "I can't seem to get this door unlocked! Second Blonde: Well you better hurry up. It's starting to rain and
the top is down!...
1 Comments, 112 Views,
4 Votes
,4.80 Score |
|
The Ride 8/27/2007
A blonde decides to try horseback
riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the unassisted
and the immediately springs into motion.
It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde
begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the 's
mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms ...
1 Comments, 100 Views,
6 Votes
,3.93 Score |
|
Fix the Dents 8/27/2007
A blonde was driving home after work, and got caught in a
really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it
to a repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to
have some fun. He told her to just go home and blow into the tailpipe really
hard, and all the dents would pop out. So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees
and ...
1 Comments, 87 Views,
6 Votes
,3.65 Score |
|
Milk Bath 8/27/2007
A blonde heard that milk baths would make her beautiful.
So she left a note for her milkman to leave 15 gallons of milk.
When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake.
He thought she probably meant 1.5 gallons so he knocked
on her door to clarify the point.
The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I
found your note to leave 15 gallons of milk. Did you ...
1 Comments, 84 Views,
4 Votes
,4.80 Score |
|
A little toilet hummor lol 8/27/2007
Crabs and critters beneith this lid A friendly word to tee i bid With just a secon a mighty blast Will great u with a noxous gas
1 Comments, 50 Views,
2 Votes
,3.12 Score |
|
cut it off 8/26/2007
a beautiful woman walked up to me and said, give me 9 inches
and make it hurt. i looked at her and said, you are really
hot, but i aint cutting 6 inches off for nobody.
3 Comments, 90 Views,
7 Votes
,2.28 Score |
|
The Kitchen Bitch 8/25/2007
>The Kitchen Bitch > >A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her
>5-year-old playing with his new electric train
in the >living room. She heard the train stop and her saying,
>"All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the
hell >off now... cause this is the last stop! And all of you
sons >of bitches who are getting on, get your asses on the
>train...cause we're going down the ...
1 Comments, 103 Views,
9 Votes
,5.35 Score |
|
Chili Cookoff 8/25/2007
Judge No. 3 was visiting from up North...
Chuck: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as
a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called
in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there
at the judge's table, asking for directions to the
Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by
the other two judges (Native Southerners) that the chili
wouldn't ...
2 Comments, 59 Views,
6 Votes
,5.07 Score |
|
The teacher 8/25/2007
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's
final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any
excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider
a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness,
or a death in your immediate family, but that's it,
no other excuses whatsoever!"
A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and
asked, "What would you say if tomorrow ...
7 Comments, 161 Views,
38 Votes
,3.49 Score |
|
Overhear on Air Traffic Control 8/24/2007
eastbound on runway 9R."
Saudi Air: "Thank you Atlanta ATC. Acknowledge cleared
to land on infidel's runway 9R - Allah be Praised.
Atlanta ATC: "Tower to Iran Air 711 --You are cleared
to land westbound on runway 9R."
Iran Air: "Thank you Atlanta ATC. We are cleared to
land on infidel's runway 9R. - Allah is Great.
Pause:
Static..
...
3 Comments, 114 Views,
9 Votes
,3.00 Score |
|
Geography 8/24/2007
WONDERS OF AGING Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa, half discovered,
half wild, fertile and naturally beautiful!
> >Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe, well
> >developed and open to trade, especially for
someone > >with cash. > > > >Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain, very
hot, > >relaxed and convinced of her own beauty. > > > >Between 36 and 40, a woman is like ...
1 Comments, 62 Views,
4 Votes
,4.02 Score |
|
Piggly Wiggly stock boy ! 8/24/2007
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the Piggly
Wiggly store but she couldn't find one big enough for
her family.
She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're
dead."
10 Comments, 227 Views,
47 Votes
,3.94 Score |
|
Hooters Airline 8/24/2007
It was mealtime during a flight on Hooters Airline.
A blonde busty flight attendant asked a male passenger,
"Would you like dinner?" "What are my choices?" The passenger asked.
"Yes or no, " she replied.
10 Comments, 204 Views,
40 Votes
,1.80 Score |
|
Sweet Thang 8/24/2007
A young girl of 13 was hearing a lot of new words pertaining
to sex at school that she didn't understand at all.
She decided to ask her divorced, single beautiful 30 year
old blonde headed mom about it bluntly.
The told her mom the at school were saying
things about going down on one another and that she didn't
understand it at all. She asked her mom, "Will you
tell me what they ...
31 Comments, 514 Views,
71 Votes
,3.78 Score |
|
Sign Language 8/24/2007
A man is doing yard work and his wife is about to take a shower.
The man realizes that he can't find the rake. He yells
up to his wife, "Where is the rake?"
She can't hear him and shouts back, "What?"
The man first points to his eye, then points to his knee and
finally makes a raking motion. The wife is not sure and says,
"What?" The man repeats his gestures, mouthing
"EYE KNEE - THE ...
2 Comments, 137 Views,
14 Votes
,4.10 Score |
|
THE BOX UNDER BILL & HILLARY'S BED 8/23/2007
THE BOX UNDER BILL & HILLARY'S BED
When Bill and Hillary first got married Bill said, "I
am putting a
box under the bed. You must promise never to look in it."
In all their 30 years of marriage, Hillary never looked.
On the
afternoon of their 30th anniversary, curiosity got the
best of her
and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. ...
2 Comments, 108 Views,
7 Votes
,5.33 Score |
|
CAR-CROSSED LOVERS 8/23/2007
A woman and a man driver are involved in a horrific collision,
but amazingly both escape completely unhurt - though their
cars are written off. As they crawl out of the wreckage, the man sees the woman
is blonde and strikingly beautiful. Then the woman turns
to the man and gushes breathily: 'That's incredible
- both our cars are demolished but we're fine. It must
be a sign from God that we are ...
2 Comments, 147 Views,
18 Votes
,4.22 Score |
|
A Man At The Beach 8/23/2007
One day there was this man that went to a beach completely
naked even though the beach was a non-nude beach.
But the man thought and thought looking around. Nobody
is here so he doesn't care. He takes off his towel and
lays down with a newspaper to cover his privates just in
case.
Soon comes a little girl that asks "Sir, what's
under the newspaper?"
The man replies with ...
1 Comments, 108 Views,
12 Votes
,3.51 Score |
|
The Confused Shopper 8/23/2007
Billy was on holiday in America and didn't speak very
good English. It was his last day and he was heading to the
airport to fly home, but first he needed to buy a few things.
He ends up going to the store and asking the clerk for some
"BUM". She sits there and thinks for awhile
and then says, "Oh you must mean gum."
Then he goes to the fish store and askes if he could get some ...
1 Comments, 85 Views,
11 Votes
,2.42 Score |
|
The Price You Pay For Being Good 8/23/2007
3 Men were waiting to go to heaven. St Peter was at the gate
and said, "However good you were to your wife that
is the vehicle you will get in heaven".
The first guy comes up to the gate and says, "I never,
ever cheated on my wife and I love her". So St. Peter
gives him a Rolls Royce.
The next man comes up and says, "I cheated on my wife
a little but I stilll love her." He gets ...
1 Comments, 109 Views,
10 Votes
,3.58 Score |
|
2 men waiting to see Doctor 8/23/2007
Two men shitting themselves in a doctors surgery of the
local health clinic, one turns round to the other and asks
whats wrong? the other says that hes got a red ring round the end of his
dick. the other one says oh god! ive got a green ring round mine.
the guy with the green ring round his todger gets called
in and five minutes later he comes out cryin his eyes out
to the horror of the first ...
1 Comments, 114 Views,
9 Votes
,3.85 Score |
|
Golf with the wife 8/23/2007
A man staggers into hospital with multiple bruises, two
black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.
Doctor asked
"what happened to you"?
"Well", the man replied, "i was playing
golf with my wife when she sliced her golf ball into a field
of cows. I found the ball stuck in a cows fanny so i yelled
to my wife, this looks like yours, i don't remember
much after ...
1 Comments, 95 Views,
11 Votes
,3.73 Score |
|
Wedding Reception 8/23/2007
A young couple got married, and in their family, it was tradition
that the best man dance with the bride for the first song.
Well, this happened...but then they danced for the second
song too. And the third. By the time the fourth song came
on, the groom ran up and kicked the bride between the legs.
A riot broke out, and all the invited guests were hauled
off to jail. In court the next week, the ...
1 Comments, 102 Views,
12 Votes
,3.33 Score |
|
He shares a room 8/23/2007
Okay, so a guy is nearing the end of his senior year in high
school. Unfortunately, he still has to share a room with
his younger brother who is only 9 years old.
One night, he decides to bring his girlfriend home for a
little fun. They have bunk beds and the guy notices that
his little brother is already asleep on the lower bunk,
so he and his girlfriend climb up to the top bunk. ...
1 Comments, 306 Views,
13 Votes
,3.81 Score |
|
MATING BULLS 8/22/2007
> A man took his wife to the rodeo and one of the first exhibits
they > stopped at was the breeding bulls. > > They went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached
that > said, "This bull mated 50 times last year."
The wife playfully nudged > her husband in the ribs and said, "He mated 50
times last year." > > They walked to the second pen which had a sign attached
that said, > "This ...
2 Comments, 108 Views,
6 Votes
,3.08 Score |
|
21 Reasons Why Cucumbers Are Better 8/22/2007
A cucumber won't tell you that size doesn't matter...
A cucumber won't need to be sucked off... A cucumber
won't care what time of the month it is... A cucumber
won't lie to you about having a vasectomy... A cucumber
won't want to come on your face... A cucumber won't
fall asleep too soon... A cucumber won't fall asleep
on your chest or drool on the pillow... A cucumber won't
make you sleep on ...
1 Comments, 97 Views,
15 Votes
,4.05 Score |
|
Wasting Your Time 8/22/2007
A little boy walks into his parents room and sees his mom
bouncing up and down on top of his dad.
Mom sees her and quickly dismounts, worrying about
what her has seen. She dresses quickly and goes to find
him.
The sees his Mom and asks, "What were you and dad
doing?"
The mother replies "Well, you know your dad has a big
tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it ...
0 Comments, 26 Views,
3 Votes
,4.41 Score |
|
Spiders In The Garden 8/22/2007
A father watched his playing in the garden. He
smiled as he reflected on how sweet and innocent his little
girl was. Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went
over to her and noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.
"Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?"
she asked. "They're mating, " her father
replied.
"What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?" ...
0 Comments, 188 Views,
19 Votes
,5.10 Score |
|
Certainly A Halloween Party To Remember 8/22/2007
A couple was invited to a swanky masked Hallowe'en
Party. She got a terrible headache and told her husband
to go to the party alone. He being a devoted husband, protested,
but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin
and go to bed, and there was no need of his good time being
spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went.
The wife, after sleeping soundly for one ...
0 Comments, 109 Views,
15 Votes
,4.82 Score |
|
Pre Booty-Call Agreement 8/21/2007
This pre-booty call agreement
(hereinafter referred to as the "Agreement")
is entered into on the _____day of __________, 2006, by_______________________,
between ____________and______________.
THIS AGREEMENT SHALL COVER THE FOLLOWING RULES AND PRINCIPLES:
1. No sleeping over - unless it is very good and we need to
repeat it in the morning. 2. No meeting in public ...
0 Comments, 93 Views,
4 Votes
,1.30 Score |
|
10 REJECTION LINES GIVEN BY WOMEN 8/21/2007
10. I think of you as a brother. (You remind me of that inbred banjo-playing geek in "Deliverance.")
9. There's a slight difference in our ages. (You are one Jurassic geezer.)
8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way.
(You are the ugliest dork I've ever laid eyes upon.)
7. My life is too complicated right now. (I don't want you spending the whole night or else you
may ...
1 Comments, 102 Views,
15 Votes
,4.66 Score |
|
Strict Sex Schedule 8/21/2007
A young couple were married and they were having sex all
the time during their honeymoon, but when the honeymoon
was over they had to adjust their sex schedule to their work
schedule.
So every day the husband would get home at 5 o'clock,
and every day they would go to bed at 5:15. In the door at 5,
in the sack at 5:15. This went on for months, never missing
a day until the wife came down ...
0 Comments, 114 Views,
16 Votes
,4.01 Score |
|
Chores On The Farm 8/21/2007
A young boy comes down to breakfast one morning. His mother
asks, "Have you done your chores yet?" "No, " replies the boy, "but could I have
breakfast first?"
"You know the rules, go outside and clean the chicken
coop, milk the cow and feed the pigs."
The boy goes down to the chicken coop and lazily cleans it.
When he is finished he he kicks a chicken. Next, we walks
to the barn ...
0 Comments, 138 Views,
14 Votes
,3.30 Score |
|
Family Honor 8/21/2007
A girl was going on her first date and her grandmother gave
her some advice: The boy may try to kiss you -- it will feel good, but don't
do it. He may try to go up your skirt -- but don't let him.
He may try to try to take your clothes off -- but don't
do it. He may try to get on top of you -- but don't do it.
If you do any of these things, you'll disgrace your
family.
The girl said she ...
1 Comments, 128 Views,
15 Votes
,4.05 Score |
|
Heroic Act 8/21/2007
Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One
day while they were walking past the hospital swimming
pool Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the
bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped
in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.
When the hospital director became aware of Edna's
heroic act, she immediately ordered that Edna be ...
0 Comments, 60 Views,
12 Votes
,3.68 Score |
|
Scottish Ticket Dodgers 8/21/2007
Three scots and three englishmen are traveling by train
to a football match. At the station, the three englishmen each buy tickets and
watch as the three scots buy only a single ticket.
"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?"
asked one of the three Englanders.
"Watch and you'll see, " answers one of
the Scotsmen.
They all board the train. The ...
0 Comments, 71 Views,
13 Votes
,3.98 Score |
|
Answering Service At Mental Institute 8/21/2007
"Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline.
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are codependent, please ask someone to press 2 for
you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and
6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want.
Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, ...
0 Comments, 61 Views,
14 Votes
,3.46 Score |
|
Wrong Email 8/21/2007
An Illinois lady left the snow-filled streets of Chicago
for a vacation in Florida. Her husband was on a business
trip and was planning to meet her there the next day.
When she reached her hotel, she decided to send her husband
a quick e-mail. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which
she had written his email address, she did her best to type
it in from memory.
Unfortunately, ...
0 Comments, 66 Views,
11 Votes
,4.48 Score |
|
Tricking a Nun 8/21/2007
A hippie gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun in the front
seat. The hippie looks over and asks the nun if she would
have sex with him.
The nun, surprised by the question, politely declines
and gets off at the next stop. When the bus starts again,
the bus driver says to the hippie, "If you want, I can
tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you."
The hippie of ...
2 Comments, 164 Views,
19 Votes
,5.89 Score |
|
Condom Slogans 8/21/2007
1. Cover your stump before you hump 2. Before you attack her, wrap your whacker 3. Don't be silly, protect your willy 4. When in doubt, shroud your spout 5. Don't be a loner, cover your boner 6. You can't go wrong if you shield your dong 7. If you're not going to sack it, go home and whack it
8. If you think she's spunky, cover your monkey 9. If you slip between her thighs, be sure to condomize ...
1 Comments, 47 Views,
12 Votes
,4.57 Score |
|
Why Is Sex Like Riding A Bike? 8/21/2007
1. You have to keep pumping if you want to get anywhere.
2. It's best to wear protective head-gear when going
into unfamiliar territory.
3. You can do it with no hands, but it's best not to try
it until you have a lot of experience.
4. It's easier to learn with the help of someone who
has a lot of experience.
5. You can do it by yourself, but it's usually not ...
0 Comments, 48 Views,
11 Votes
,4.10 Score |
|
The Check Up 8/21/2007
An elderly couple scheduled their annual medical examination
the same day so they could travel together.
After the examination, the doctor then said to the elderly
man "You appear to be in good health, do you have any
medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"
"In fact I do, " said the man, "After I
have sex with my wife for the first time, I am usually hot
and ...
1 Comments, 99 Views,
13 Votes
,5.16 Score |
|
REMEDY FOR GOING BALD 8/20/2007
During his monthly visit to the corner barbershop, this
fellow asked his barber for any suggestions on how to treat
his increasing baldness.
After a brief pause, the barber leaned over and confided
that the best thing he'd come across was, er, female
juices.
"But you're balder than I am, " protested
the customer.
...
3 Comments, 112 Views,
9 Votes
,5.35 Score |
|
WAYS TO SAY NO 8/19/2007
WAYS TO SAY NO
* I did my own thing and now I've got to undo it.
* I have to check the freshness dates on my dairy products.
* I have to floss my pets.
* I have to go to the post office to see if I'm still wanted.
* I want to spend more time with my blender.
* I'm attending the opening of my garage door.
* I'm ...
1 Comments, 84 Views,
4 Votes
,1.30 Score |
|
Definition Of.. 8/19/2007
Q: How do you define “making love”?
A: It’s what a woman does while a guy is screwing her....
2 Comments, 73 Views,
1 Votes
,5.00 Score |
|
Heavy Breathing.. 8/19/2007
Q: How is sex a lot like air?
A: Because it’s not a big deal unless you’re not getting
any....
2 Comments, 43 Views,
3 Votes
,2.94 Score |
|
A man and a woman are riding next to each other in first class on a plane… 8/19/2007
A man and a woman are riding next to each
other in first class on a plane. The woman sneezes, then
takes a tissue and gently wipes it between her legs. The
man isn’t sure he saw what she did, and decides he is probably
hallucinating.
A few minutes pass. The woman sneezes again. She takes a
tissue and gently wipes it between her legs. The man is about
to go nuts. ...
1 Comments, 130 Views,
4 Votes
,4.41 Score |
|
A hug leads to ..... 8/19/2007
[B]A hug leads to a kiss...a kiss leads
2 a finger...a finger leads to a a hand...a hand leads to
a lick...a lick leads to a suck...a suck leads 2 a fuck. So
tell me how many people are you gonna hug after you heard
this because sex is like math...u add the bed...subtract
the clothes...divide the legs...leave your solution...and
pray you don't multiply!...
1 Comments, 76 Views,
3 Votes
,3.43 Score |
|
WHY I'M KNACKERED 8/18/2007
I'm knackered because I'm overworked. The population of this country is 61 million. 31 million are retired. That leaves 30 million to do the work. There are 19 million at school. That leaves 11 million to do the work. 2 million are unemployed and 4 million are employed by the
Government to look after us. That leaves 5 million to do the work. One million are in the armed forces, which leaves 4 ...
1 Comments, 55 Views,
12 Votes
,5.10 Score |
|
LETTER AND RESPONSE 8/18/2007
Brad, It would be difficult for me to be any more miserable right
now, I feel like the worst person ever. First, let me start
by saying that I am truly truly sorry, and I hate myself for
hurting you. Of all the people in the whole entire world,
you were honestly the last person that I would ever want
to wrong in any way. There is no excuse at all or anything that happened, so I
won't even try ...
1 Comments, 62 Views,
13 Votes
,4.32 Score |
|
drinking warnings 8/18/2007
Newly issued alcohol warnings The Toronto Board of Health has proposed that warning signs
be placed on all alcohol bottles to tip off drinkers about
the possible peril of drinking a pint or two of any alcoholic
beverage.
1. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to wake
up with a breath that could knock a buzzard off a wreaking
dead animal that is one hundred yards away.
...
2 Comments, 65 Views,
4 Votes
,2.08 Score |
|
Female goes to Dr`s for a check up 8/17/2007
This beautiful woman one day walks into a doctors office
and the doctor is bowled over by how stunningly awesome
she is. All his professionallism goes right out the window...
He tells her to take her skirt off, she does, and he starts
rubbing her thighs.
"Do you know what I am doing?" asks the doctor?
"Yes, checking for abnormalities." she replies.
He tells her ...
1 Comments, 152 Views,
15 Votes
,5.27 Score |
|
The Newlyweds 8/17/2007
The newlyweds are in their honeymoon room and the groom
decides to let the bride know where she stands right from
the start of the marriage.
He proceeds to take off his trousers and throw them at her.
He says, "Put those on."
The bride replies, "I can't wear your trousers."
He replies, "And don't forget that! I will always
wear the pants in the family!"
The ...
1 Comments, 100 Views,
12 Votes
,4.92 Score |
|
25th Anniversary 8/17/2007
A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th
anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening
25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you
first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through
your mind?"
The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to fuck
your brains out, and suck your tits dry."
Then, as the wife undressed, she ...
1 Comments, 100 Views,
11 Votes
,5.97 Score |
|
office game 8/16/2007
ok here is a game that anyone can play especially fun if you
work in an office. make sure you come back here to record
your scores.
Play the Office Game
Here's a way to spice up your office. Pick two or three
colleagues and agree to play the Office Game which awards
points as follows:
ONE POINT
Run one lap around the office at top speed. Walk sideways
to ...
2 Comments, 116 Views,
3 Votes
,1.96 Score |
|
Dogs Dogs Dogs 8/16/2007
Why are dogs better than men?
misses you when you are not home. feels guilty when it does something wrong. doesn't critisize your friends. doesn't feel pressured by your intellegence.
You can teach dog. You don't feel suspicious when the mumbling something
strange. understands what "no" means. understands that its friends cannot come into the house.
Middle aged doesn't leave you for ...
2 Comments, 112 Views,
4 Votes
,2.47 Score |
|
From Technical Support 8/16/2007
Attn: Technical Support; Subject: A bug in the program.
Dear Technical support;
Last year I upgraded program Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0,
I found there are strange things happening. Program Wife
1.0 started taking up space and valuable resource, which
was not mentioned in the manual.
Wife 1.0 installs itself and run by itself. It constantly
monitor other programs such ...
1 Comments, 45 Views,
3 Votes
,1.47 Score |
|
10 reasons why sex is better than school 8/16/2007
1. You can finish faster. 2. You can finish together with your partner. 3. You can do it when feel like it. 4. Lots of "How to" videos. 5. You can be as loud as you like in the room. 6. You don't have to worry about the dress code. 7. You don't need a lot of lighting. 8. Theory is not important, focus on action. 9. You don't need to use your brain, just feeling. 10. Whoever you are, the ...
1 Comments, 47 Views,
4 Votes
,1.30 Score |
|
10 reasons why studying is better than sex 8/16/2007
1. You can always find someone to join you. 2. You can stop when you are tired and won't upset your
partner. 3. You can finish as quickly as you like, and don't have
to feel guilty. 4. When you open a book, you don't have to worry if someone
opened it before you. 5. A cup of coffee and you can go on all night. 6. If you need to go somewhere, you can bookmark it, then
pickup where you left ...
1 Comments, 29 Views,
2 Votes
,3.81 Score |
|
new diet plan 8/15/2007
I was in Wal-Mart buying a large bag of Purina for my dogs
and was in line to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had
a dog ...Duh!
I was feeling a bit crabby so on impulse, I told her no, I was
starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't
because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but
that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive
care unit with ...
1 Comments, 187 Views,
9 Votes
,5.99 Score |
|
HONORABLE 8/15/2007
Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together, discussing
how important their are.
The first one tells her friends, "My is a priest.
When he walks into a room, everyone calls him "Father."
The second Catholic woman chirps, "Well, my is
a Bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your
Grace'."
The third Catholic woman says smugly, "Well, not
to put you ...
1 Comments, 88 Views,
3 Votes
,4.41 Score |
|
Life 8/14/2007
Life isn't like a bowl of cherries
or peaches, it's more like a jar of Jalapenos - - -
What you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow....
0 Comments, 22 Views,
2 Votes
,3.12 Score |
|
God bless Australian women... 8/13/2007
Three men were sitting together bragging about how they
had given their new wives duties.
Terry had married a woman from America, and bragged that
he had told his wife she needed to do all the dishes and housework.
He said that it took a couple days but on the third day he came
home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away.
Jimmie had married a woman from ...
1 Comments, 137 Views,
5 Votes
,2.82 Score |
|
Family of three 8/13/2007
At dinner, a wife asked her husband, "How do you feel
about us being family of three?" The husband has always wanted a , so he is very exited.
"That would be great! When?". "Next week, my mother is coming to live with us!"
1 Comments, 160 Views,
3 Votes
,1.47 Score |
|
Love is in the Air 8/12/2007
> One night , after the couple had retired for > > > > The night, the women became aware that her husband
> > > > Was touching her in a most unusual manner. He > > > > Started by running his hand across her shoulders and
> > > > The small of her back. He ran his hand over her > > > > Breasts, touching them very lightly. Then, he > > > > Proceeded to run his hand gently down her side, > > > > ...
3 Comments, 180 Views,
7 Votes
,2.79 Score |
|
Why Men Are Happier 8/12/2007
Why Men are just happier people. What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last
name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take
care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You
can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear
a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a
water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your ...
1 Comments, 161 Views,
9 Votes
,3.85 Score |
|
barber 8/12/2007
a little girl goes 2 a barbers with her dad & stands next
2 the chair eating a cake while her dad gets his haircut,
the barber smiles at her & says "you're going
to get hair on your muffin" "i know" she
says, "im going to get tits too you dirty old bastard".
1 Comments, 110 Views,
4 Votes
,3.25 Score |
|
Learing to swear 8/11/2007
A 5 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom.
"You know what?" says the 5 year old, "I
think it's about time we start swearing." The
4 year old nods his head in approval.
"When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna
say 'hell', and you say 'ass', ok?"
"Ok." The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.
The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 5 year old ...
1 Comments, 77 Views,
3 Votes
,2.45 Score |
|
$200 8/10/2007
One day the husband was out working and wife stayed home.
In the after noon, a friend of family named John stopped
by. He asked the wife, "Is your husband home?"
She said, "He won't be back until six. You can
wait for him here". A few minutes later, John said, "I found you very
attractive. Can I have sex with you? I will give you $200
for it." The wife was startled at first but thought ...
0 Comments, 115 Views,
3 Votes
,2.45 Score |
|
Premature ejaculation 8/10/2007
A man has problems of prematur ejaculation. He went to see
a doctor about it. The doctor gave him advise, "When
you feel you are about to cum, do something that startle
you. It should help."
He went home and found his wife lying in bed naked, so he proceed
to have sex with her. When they were in 69 position, he felt
the urge to ejaculate. So he grabed a pistol from the drawer
and ...
0 Comments, 84 Views,
2 Votes
,1.04 Score |
|
Look at my face 8/10/2007
The husband was watching football on TV, the wife came asked
him, "Dear, could you fix the light in the hallway?
It has been out for weeks". The husband answered, "What, am I an electrician?
Look at my face, do I have a GE sign on it?" The wife then said, "Please fix the washing machine".
The husband replyed, "Do I have a whirlpool logo
on my forhead? I am not a repairman". The wife" At least ...
0 Comments, 75 Views,
3 Votes
,1.47 Score |
|
Big family 8/10/2007
A sheikh has a large harem with 30 wives and 150 .
One day he was riding his Rolls-Royce in town an saw an attractive
young woman. He told the driver to stop over and talked to
the young woman "Hey baby, do you want to go to my harem?"
The woman answered, "I don't think I should,
Daddy."
1 Comments, 114 Views,
1 Votes
,2.40 Score |
|
The truth you may not know 8/10/2007
1. Boss always come to work late when you are early and always
early when you are late. 2. Criminals are someone like you and me, only got caught.
3. Diplomats can talk you into going to hell, and you can't
wait to get there. 4. Doctors can cure you with medication, then kill you with
the bill. 5. Lawyers use law to help those who broke the law. 6. Advertisers always speak the truth about ...
1 Comments, 78 Views,
3 Votes
,3.43 Score |
|
£5000 8/8/2007
A bloke see's an advert in the pet shop, talkin centipede
5000 pounds. he buys it takes it home in a small box and after 30 mins he
opens the box and asks if it would like to go for a pint, the centipede doesen't answer, raising his voice
he repeats the question, still no reply, gettin angry thinkin he's been done
he shouts the question at which the centipede sticks his
head out and says "I HEARD ...
0 Comments, 138 Views,
18 Votes
,5.99 Score |
|
Nice one, Murph... 8/8/2007
Murphy calls to see his mate Paddy who has a broken leg.
Paddy says, "Me feet are freezing mate, could you
nip upstairs and get me slippers?"
"No bother, " he says, and he runs upstairs
and there are Paddy's two stunning 19 year old twin
daughters sitting on their beds.
"Hello dere girls, your Da' sent me up here to
shag ya both."
"Fook off you liar!" said the ...
2 Comments, 123 Views,
8 Votes
,3.71 Score |
|
69er vs Family Reunion 8/7/2007
What is the difference between a 69er and a Family Reunion.
With a 69er you only have to kiss one cunt/dickhead
1 Comments, 90 Views,
6 Votes
,3.37 Score |
|
tony blairs autobiograghy out soon 8/7/2007
It`s called " politics is like oral sex..............one
slip of the tounge and your in the shit"
1 Comments, 133 Views,
20 Votes
,4.78 Score |
|
For all the managers out there... 8/7/2007
A man in a hot air balloon realised he was lost. He reduced
altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more
and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a
friend I would meet him an hour ago but I don't know where
I am."
The woman below replied, "You're in a hot air
balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground.
You're between 40 and 41 degrees north ...
3 Comments, 164 Views,
8 Votes
,3.94 Score |
|
Sounds like common sense to me... 8/6/2007
Bono, the lead singer of the band, U2, is famous throughout
the entertainment industry for being more than just a little
self-righteous. At a recent U2 concert in Glasgow, Scotland, he asked the
audience for total quiet. Then, in the silence, he started
to slowly clap his hands, once every few seconds.
Holding the audience in total silence, he said into the
microphone, "Every time I ...
1 Comments, 92 Views,
7 Votes
,4.31 Score |
|
The Love Poem 8/5/2007
Tyrone asked his work buddy, Robert, one morning, "Man,
why you always so damn happy when you come to work every day?"
Robert replied, "That's because I make love
to my wife every morning before work."
Amazed, Tyrone asked him how he gets his wife to make love
to him every morning. "That's easy, "
Robert said. "I just tell her this little poem that
I made up. She loves it! It goes like ...
1 Comments, 79 Views,
4 Votes
,4.02 Score |
|
A LETTER FROM AN IRISH WOMAN TO HER 8/5/2007
I am writing this letter slowly because I know you can't
read very fast. We are all very well here. You won't
recognise the house when you get home because we've
moved. It is quite nice and has got a washing machine. I put
shirts in it last week, pulled the chain, and haven't
seen them since. Your father's got a really good job now. He's got
500 men under him. He's cutting the grass at the ...
1 Comments, 148 Views,
22 Votes
,5.89 Score |
|
Jews In Mexico 8/5/2007
Two Jewish men, Sid and Al, were sitting in a Mexican restaurant.
Sid asked Al, "Are there any people of our faith born
and raised in Mexico ?"
Al replied, "I don't know, let's ask our
waiter."
When the waiter came by, Al asked him, "Are there any
Mexican Jews?" and the waiter said, "I don't
know Senor, I'll ask the cooks."
He returned from the kitchen in a few minutes ...
1 Comments, 79 Views,
7 Votes
,4.31 Score |
|
WHY CONDOMS COME IN BOXES OF 3, 6, AND 12 8/5/2007
A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old . They
happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What
are these, Dad? To which the man matter-of-factly replies,
"Those are called Condoms, . Men use them to have
safe sex." "Oh I see, " replied the boy
pensively. Yes, I've heard of that in health class
at school." He looks over the display and picks up
a package of 3 and asks, "Why ...
1 Comments, 134 Views,
23 Votes
,6.86 Score |
|
THE PERFECT HUSBAND 8/5/2007
Several men are in the changing room of a golf club. A mobile
phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function
and began to talk.
Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: "Hello" WOMAN: "Darling, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes" WOMAN: "I am at the shopping centre and found this
beautiful leather coat. It's only 31, 000. Is it OK if I buy ...
1 Comments, 125 Views,
19 Votes
,6.03 Score |
|
THERE'S ALWAYS FUCKIN ONE AINT THERE? 8/5/2007
There's always one. This has got to be one of the funniest
things in a long time. I think this guy should have been promoted,
not fired This is a true story from the Word Perfect Helpline,
which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the
customer care department. Needless to say the Help Desk
employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing
the Word Perfect organization for ...
1 Comments, 139 Views,
20 Votes
,6.57 Score |
|
HAVE A NICE DAY 8/5/2007
A middle aged man bought a brand new Holden Monaro. He took
off down the road, pushed it up to 130 kmph, and was enjoying
the wind blowing through his (thinning) hair. "This
is great, " he thought and accelerated to an even
higher speed. But then he looked in his rear-view mirror, and there was
a Police Car behind him, blue lights flashing. "I
can get away from him with no problem" thought the ...
1 Comments, 109 Views,
17 Votes
,6.52 Score |
|
Workplace negotiations... 8/4/2007
The Penis
The Penis Wants a Raise
I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following
reasons:
1. I do physical labor
2. I work at great depths.
3. I plunge head first into everything I do.
4. I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
5. I work in a damp environment.
6. I work in a dark ...
5 Comments, 69 Views,
7 Votes
,1.51 Score |
|
Customer Service Warning: 8/4/2007
BUNNINGS HARDWARE STORE SCAM ~ BEWARE
A "heads-up" for you and any of your friends
who may be regular Bunnings customers. Over the last month I became the victim of a clever
scam whilst out shopping. Simply going out to get hardware supplies has turned out
to be quite traumatic. Don't be naïve enough to think it couldn't
happen to you. Here's how the scam works: Two seriously good ...
3 Comments, 87 Views,
8 Votes
,4.41 Score |
|
Senior Sex ! 8/4/2007
After his exam the doctor said to the elderly man, "You
appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns
you would like to ask me about?" "In fact, I do, " said the old man. "After
I have sex I am usually hot and sweaty, and then, after I have
it with her the second time, I am usually cold and chilly."
After examining his elderly wife, the doctor said, "Everything
appears to be ...
1 Comments, 176 Views,
11 Votes
,5.41 Score |
|
sheep 8/3/2007
A man buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool.
After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are
getting pregnant, and calls a veterinarian for help. The
vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination.
The guy doesn't have the slightest idea what this means
but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the
vet how he will know when the sheep are ...
1 Comments, 112 Views,
8 Votes
,5.56 Score |
|
screwed 8/3/2007
A traveler knocked on the door of the house where a cabdriver
had told him he could be sexually accommodated. An eye-level
panel slid open and a female voice asked what he wanted.
"I want to get screwed, " said the man.
"OK, mister, but this is a private club, so slip twenty
bucks as an initiation fee through the mail slot, "
answered the voice.
The man slid his $20 ...
1 Comments, 79 Views,
3 Votes
,3.43 Score |
|
wishes 8/3/2007
A man was digging in his garden, when his shovel hit a hard
object buried in the earth, which revealed itself to be
an old bottle sealed with a cork. The man wrenched the cork
free and, to his astonishment, there was a cloud of smoke
and a clap of thunder. Standing before him was a genie.
"As a reward for freeing me, I shall grant you three
wishes, " said the genie, "But understand, ...
1 Comments, 72 Views,
4 Votes
,1.30 Score |
|
manners in bed 8/3/2007
The nervous young bride became irritated by her husband's
lusty advances on their wedding night and reprimanded
him severely.
"I demand proper manners in bed, " she declared,
"just as I do at the dinner table!"
Amused by his wife's formality, the groom smoothed
his rumpled hair and climbed quietly between the sheets.
"Is that better?" he asked, with a hint of a smile.
...
1 Comments, 71 Views,
4 Votes
,2.08 Score |
|
pms 8/3/2007
Q: How many women with PMS does it take to screw in a light
bulb?
A: One. ONE!! And do you know WHY it only takes ONE? Because
no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb.
They don't even know the bulb is BURNED OUT. They would
sit in this house in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured
it OUT. And once they figured it out they wouldn't be
able to find the light bulbs ...
1 Comments, 28 Views,
4 Votes
,3.63 Score |
|
mens room 8/3/2007
EXCITABLE: Shorts half twisted around, cannot find hole,
rips shorts.
SOCIABLE: Joins friends in piss whether he has to or not.
CROSSEYED: Looks into next urinal to see how the other guy
is fixed.
TIMID: Can't piss if someone's watching, flushes
urinal, comes back later.
INDIFFERENT: All urinals being used, pisses in sink.
CLEVER: No hands, fixes tie, ...
1 Comments, 58 Views,
2 Votes
,2.42 Score |
|
History Lesson 8/3/2007
istory Lesson > > > > This is accurate beyond dispute!! > > > > Humans originally existed as members of small
bands of nomadic > > hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the
mountains during the summer > > and > > would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster
in the winter. > > > > The two most important events in all of history
were the invention of >beer > > and the invention of the ...
1 Comments, 40 Views,
1 Votes
,5.00 Score |
|
A good answer 8/3/2007
As reported earlier this week, some dirtbag who got pulled
over in a routine traffic stop in Florida ended up "executing"
the deputy who stopped him. The deputy was shot eight times, including
once behind his right ear at close range.
Another deputy was wounded and a police killed. A statewide
manhunt ensued. The low-life was found hiding in a wooded area with
his gun. SWAT team officers ...
1 Comments, 38 Views,
4 Votes
,4.02 Score |
|
NYMPHOMANIAC CONVENTION 8/3/2007
A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane.
He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his.
Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, "Business trip or pleasure?"
She turned, smiled and said, ...
1 Comments, 62 Views,
4 Votes
,2.47 Score |
|
The Farmer and the Cow 8/3/2007
A farmer named Clyde had a car accident., In court, the
trucking company's fancy hot shot lawyer, was questioning
Clyde,
"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident,
'I'm fine, '?" asked the lawyer.
Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened.
I had just loaded my favourite cow, Bessie, into the..."
I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer interrupted.
"Just ...
1 Comments, 69 Views,
5 Votes
,4.12 Score |
|
Subject: DICTIONARY 8/2/2007
> >DICTIONARY FOR DECODING WOMEN'S PERSONAL
ADS: >>40-ish...................................49.
>>Adventurous........................Slept
with everyone. >>Athletic.................................No
breasts. >>Average looking.....................Moooo.
>>Beautiful.............................Pathological
liar. >>Emotionally Secure................On medication. ...
3 Comments, 69 Views,
5 Votes
,3.47 Score |
|
Soft and Hard 8/2/2007
A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question.
As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps
into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast.
They are both quite startled.
The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your
heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me."
She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your ...
1 Comments, 132 Views,
21 Votes
,6.96 Score |
|
Pray hard 8/2/2007
A lady goes to her parish priest one day and tells him, "Father,
I have a problem. I have two female parrots but they only
know how to say one thing." "What do they say?"
the priest inquired. "They say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you
want to have some fun?" "That's obscene!" the priest
exclaimed, "I can see why you are embarrassed." He thought a minute and then said,
"You know, I may have a ...
1 Comments, 106 Views,
16 Votes
,5.92 Score |
|
A new way to loose weight 8/2/2007
A fellow was reading the paper one day lamenting the fact
that his doctor has ordered him to lose 75 pounds. Next thing he sees
is an advertisement for a guaranteed weight loss program. Guaranteed
like heck, he thinks to himself. But lets see what they think
they can do. He calls them on the phone and subscribes to the 3 day, 10
LB weight loss program. The next day there comes a knock at ...
1 Comments, 84 Views,
16 Votes
,6.21 Score |
|
The Big Race 8/2/2007
Horses in the race are:
1. Passionate Lady 2. Bare Belly 3. Silk Panties 4. Conscience 5. Jockey Shorts 6. Clean Sheets 7. Thighs 8. Big Johnson 9. Heavy Bosum 10. Merry Cherry
At the Post:
They're off! Conscience is left behind at the post.
Jockey Shorts and Silk Panties are off in a hurry. Heavy Bosum is being pressured. Passionate lady is caught between Thighs and ...
1 Comments, 102 Views,
14 Votes
,5.70 Score |
|
Tattoo on yer dick 8/2/2007
ELTON JOHN GOES TO A TATOOiST & SAY`S I WANT A ROLLS ROYCE
TATTOED ON HIS DICK, TATOOiST SAYS "YOU'D BE
BETTER OFF WITH A LANDROVER SO IT DON'T GET STUCK IN
THE SHIT"
1 Comments, 112 Views,
18 Votes
,6.67 Score |
|
Another joke 8/2/2007
Two women who are on their way back from a night out stop on
a graveyard for a wee (as you do ladies).. one wipes herself with her knickers and throws them away,
while the other uses a wreath..
Their husbands are in the pub the next evening....
Husband 1 says: i think my wife is having and affair, she
came home last night with no knickers on?
Husband 2 replies: Well you ...
1 Comments, 102 Views,
22 Votes
,5.77 Score |
|
Council complaint letters 8/2/2007
Council complaint letters These are supposedly genuine clips from council complaint
letters:
1. It's the dogs mess that I find hard to swallow.
2. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back
passage has fungus growing in it.
3. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house
and I just can't take it anymore.
4. I want some repairs done to my ...
1 Comments, 104 Views,
17 Votes
,6.80 Score |
|
redneck girlfriend 8/1/2007
How can u tell if ur girlfriend is a redneck? A: If she can chew tobacco and suck dick at the sametime and
knows which one to spit, shes a redneck
1 Comments, 68 Views,
5 Votes
,3.47 Score |
|
A Ring 7/31/2007
An older gentleman walks into a jewelry store with a beautiful
young lady on his arm. He asks the clerk to show him something
"special". The clerk shows the man a ring, and
tells him it is on sale for $5, 000. The older man says "
I don't think you understand. I'm looking for
something far more special than that". After this
goes on for a while, the clerk finally pulls out the most
gorgeous ring ...
1 Comments, 77 Views,
5 Votes
,2.49 Score |
|
Old lady and the vibrator 7/31/2007
One day a little old lady walked into a sex shop. The young
clerk couldn't help but notice her, first because
she reminded him of his grandmother, and second because
she was twitching violently and trembling even more than
his grandmother did. "Young m-m-man' she stammered to the clerk,
Do you sell v-vibrators here"? "Yes ma'am we do" he replied , a little embarrassed.
"b-b-big fl-flourescent ...
3 Comments, 169 Views,
7 Votes
,2.79 Score |
|
Races 7/29/2007
1-----Passion-------20-1 2-----Bare Belly----5-1 3-----Conscience----99-1 4-----Heavy Bosom---8-1 5-----Cute Pussy----4-1 6-----Jockey Shorts-6-1 7-----Clean Sheets--11-1 8-----Silk Panties--10-1 9-----Thighs--------15-1 10-----Big Dick------7-1
At the post; CONSCIECE lags, HEAVY BOSOM rises, BIG DICK is acting up,
and CUTE PUSSY is smiling at ...
1 Comments, 75 Views,
5 Votes
,4.12 Score |
|
The difference 7/28/2007
Question: What is the difference between a slut
and a bitch?
Answer: A slut does everyone, a bitch does everyone
except for you!
1 Comments, 68 Views,
4 Votes
,2.08 Score |
|
Wise Old Indian Chief 7/27/2007
Indian Chief, "Two Eagles, " was asked by a
white government official, "You have observed the white man for 90
years.
You've seen his wars and his technological advances.
You've seen his progress, and the damage he's
done."
The Chief nodded in agreement. The official continued, "Considering all these
events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?" ...
1 Comments, 141 Views,
7 Votes
,4.57 Score |
|
Another blonde joke 7/27/2007
A blonde, a redhead and a brunette were at the gynecologist
having pre-natal checkups. The doctor asked the redhead
"In what position was the baby conceived?"
"I was on the bottom!" she replied. "You
will have a boy" the doctor said. The brunette was asked the same question. "I was on
top" was the reply. "You will have a girl"
said the doctor. With this the blonde broke out in tears. "Whats the ...
1 Comments, 128 Views,
6 Votes
,3.65 Score |
|
It keeps happening 7/26/2007
>> >> YOU CAN'T FIX STUPID These people prove it
is a terminal condition. As >> always, competition this year has been keen.
The candidates this year >> are... >> >> >> Eighth Place In Detroit, a 41-year-old man got
stuck and drowned in >> two feet of water after squeezing head first through
an 18-inch-wide >> sewer grate to retrieve his car keys. >> >> Seventh Place A 49-year-old San ...
1 Comments, 99 Views,
2 Votes
,1.73 Score |
|
Flat Belly 7/26/2007
A little boy walks into his parents'
room to see his mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down.
The mom sees her and quickly dismounts, worried about
what her has seen. She dresses quickly and goes to find
him. The sees his mom and asks, "What were you and
Dad doing?"
The mother replies, "Well, you know your dad has a
big tummy and sometimes I have to get on ...
2 Comments, 166 Views,
10 Votes
,4.58 Score |
|
The Trainee Priest 7/26/2007
Father Frank, the trainee priest, has been left in charge
of the daily confessioal by Father Ernest who gave him a
list of sins and their appropriate absolutions. "Forgive me Father, " says the first sinner.
"For I have stolen." Father Frank consults
his list. For stealing you must say 7 Hail Mary's."
The second sinner confesses to lying and after looking
it up on his list Father Frank deals out ...
2 Comments, 161 Views,
15 Votes
,3.74 Score |
|
Why do Basketball players make crummy lovers? 7/25/2007
LOL.. I love this one because my husband plays in a couple
of basketball leagues during the winter...
So... Why do Basketball players make crummy lovers???
Because they dribble before they shoot!!!
2 Comments, 178 Views,
8 Votes
,3.01 Score |
|
a new couple 7/24/2007
a guy and gal date for a year, but they both agree not to have
sex til they are married, well the year goes by and soon they
are to wed. the few minutes before the wedding she confesses
that the breasts he has not seen are just padding, she was
flat as a board. he tells her that's ok hun breasts are
not the important thing, I love you. then he says I have a
confession to make also, I am hung like ...
1 Comments, 118 Views,
7 Votes
,2.79 Score |
|
Honeymooners 7/24/2007
The newlyweds are in their honeymoon
room and the groom decides to let the bride know where she
stands right from the start of the marriage.
He proceeds to take off his trousers and throw them at her.
He says, "Put those on."
The bride replies, "I can't wear your trousers."
He replies, "And don't forget that! I will always
wear the pants in the ...
1 Comments, 146 Views,
14 Votes
,4.74 Score |
|
Kentucky fried chicken 7/24/2007
Q. Why are women like Kentucky
Fried Chicken? A. After you've finished with the thigh and breasts,
all you have left is a greasy box to put your bone in....
1 Comments, 39 Views,
12 Votes
,4.04 Score |
|
Oral sex & Anal sex 7/24/2007
Q. What's the difference
between oral sex and anal sex? A. Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak....
1 Comments, 68 Views,
12 Votes
,4.74 Score |
|
Bungee Jumping & Hookers 7/24/2007
Q. What does bungee jumping
and hookers have in common? A. They both cost a hundred bucks and if the rubber breaks,
you're screwed....
1 Comments, 24 Views,
10 Votes
,4.38 Score |
|
Wonder Bra 7/24/2007
Q. Why is it called a Wonder Bra?
A. When she takes it off, you wonder where her tits went....
1 Comments, 28 Views,
10 Votes
,4.58 Score |
|
Yankee 7/24/2007
Q. What's the definition
of a Yankee? A. Same thing as a ''quickie'', only
you do it yourself....
1 Comments, 21 Views,
11 Votes
,4.48 Score |
|
Why men die first. 7/24/2007
Q. Why do men die before their
wives? A. They want to....
1 Comments, 40 Views,
10 Votes
,4.78 Score |
|
How to make your wife scream! 7/24/2007
Q. How do you make your wife scream
while having sex? A. Call her and tell her....
1 Comments, 87 Views,
12 Votes
,4.04 Score |
|
Thanksgiving 7/24/2007
Q. What would happen if the Pilgrims
had killed cats instead of turkeys? A. We'd eat pussy every Thanksgiving....
1 Comments, 20 Views,
11 Votes
,4.48 Score |
|
Lesbian Frogs 7/24/2007
Q. What did the two lesbian frogs
say to each other? A. WE DO TASTE LIKE CHICKEN!...
1 Comments, 16 Views,
9 Votes
,4.71 Score |
|
Whats the difference 7/24/2007
Q. What's the difference
between a wife and a wheelie bin? A. You only have to take out a wheelie bin once a week....
1 Comments, 16 Views,
10 Votes
,4.58 Score |
|
Which is Worse? 7/24/2007
Q. What's worse than getting
by Jack the Ripper? A. Getting fingered by Captain Hook....
1 Comments, 20 Views,
10 Votes
,4.58 Score |
|
Odd one out 7/24/2007
Q. What doesn't belong
in this list : Meat, Eggs, Wife, Blowjob? A. Blowjob: You can beat your meat, eggs or wife, but you
can't beat a blowjob....
1 Comments, 16 Views,
11 Votes
,4.10 Score |
|
Washing Machine 7/24/2007
Q. What is the difference between
a woman and a washing machine? A. You can bung your load in a washing machine and it won't
call you a week later....
1 Comments, 21 Views,
8 Votes
,5.10 Score |
|
Rubics Cube 7/24/2007
Q. What do a Rubix cube and a penis
have in common? A. The longer you play with them, the harder they get....
1 Comments, 17 Views,
7 Votes
,5.59 Score |
|
Penis & Bonus 7/24/2007
Whats the difference between
a penis and a bonus? your wife will always blow your bonus!...
1 Comments, 24 Views,
8 Votes
,5.80 Score |
|
topic of the day:letter to an ex husband (funny as fuck) 7/23/2007
Dear Wife:
I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm
leaving you for good. I've been a good man to you for seven years & I have
nothing to show for it. These last 2 weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell
me that you had quit your job today & that was the last straw.
Last week, you came home & didn't even notice that
I had gotten a new hair cut, cooked your ...
4 Comments, 207 Views,
24 Votes
,6.65 Score |
|
THIEVES AT WORK 7/23/2007
Two men are robbing a hotel. "I hear sirens. Jump!" says the first one. "But we're on the 13th floor!" his fellow
thief replies. "This is no time to be superstitious!"
1 Comments, 71 Views,
7 Votes
,1.77 Score |
|
stuttering 7/22/2007
A man with a stuttering problem tries everything he can
to stop stuttering, but he can't. Finally, he goes
to a world renowned doctor for help. The doctor examines
him and says "I've found your problem. Your penis
is 12 inches long. It weighs so much it is pulling on your
lungs, causing you to stutter." So the man asks, "What's
he cure, doctor?". To which the doctor replies, "We
have to cut off 6 ...
1 Comments, 63 Views,
4 Votes
,2.86 Score |
|
sex ed 7/22/2007
Little Johnny was sitting in Beginning Sex Ed class one
day when the teacher drew a picture of a penis on the board.
"Does anyone know what this is?" She asked.
Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "Sure, my
daddy has two of them!" "Two of them?!"
the teacher asked. "Yeah. He has a little one that
he uses to pee with and a big one that he uses to brush mommy's
teeth!"
1 Comments, 117 Views,
7 Votes
,3.30 Score |
|
plane crash 7/22/2007
Five people are on a plane, four guys and one girl. Suddenly
the engine stalls and they crash. Miraculously all five
of them survive the crash but are stranded on a small deserted
island. Since these four guys will need to have their natural
urges satisfied, they decided to make up a schedule. Each
guy would get a week to dick the woman as much as possible,
the next week another guy and so on. ...
1 Comments, 89 Views,
6 Votes
,1.94 Score |
|
teacher 7/22/2007
The first grade teacher was starting a new lesson on multi-syllable
words. She thought it would be a good idea to ask a few of the
examples of words with more than one syllable.
"Jane, Do you know any multi-syllable words?"
After some thought Jane proudly replied with Monday. "Great
Jane. That has two syllables, Mon......day. Does anyone
know another word?" Johnny from the back of the room ...
1 Comments, 70 Views,
7 Votes
,3.55 Score |
|
Ghost Sex 7/21/2007
A professor at the University of Alabama was giving a lecture
of the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks, "How
many people here believe in ghosts?"
About 90 students raise their hands "Well, that's
a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have
seen a ghost?"
About 40 students raise their hands. "That's
really good. I'm ...
7 Comments, 204 Views,
11 Votes
,4.85 Score |
|
The ages of a woman. 7/21/2007
1. Between the ages of 16 and 18,
she is like Africa, virgin and unexplored.
2. Between the ages of 19 and 35, she is like Asia, hot and
exotic.
3. Between the ages of 36 and 45, she is like America, fully
explored, breathtakingly beautiful, and free with her
resources.
4. Between the ages of 46 and 56, she is like Europe, exhausted
but still has ...
1 Comments, 92 Views,
11 Votes
,4.48 Score |
|
Make me feel like a WOMAN!!! 7/21/2007
On a transatlantic flight, a plane
passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful,
and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by
lightning. One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands
up in front of the plane. "I'm too young to die!"
she wails. "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my
last minutes on Earth to be memorable! I've had plenty
of ...
1 Comments, 95 Views,
14 Votes
,4.74 Score |