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My Christmas present ! 12/24/2007
I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer
or a moaner.  ...
11 Comments, 122 Views,
27 Votes
,6.92 Score
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Christmas Carols ! 12/24/2007
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint
Peter at the pearly gates.
"In honor of this holy season" Saint Peter said, "You
must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas
to get into heaven."
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out
a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle",
he said.
"You may pass through the pearly ...
5 Comments, 119 Views,
25 Votes
,5.90 Score
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Letter from Husband 12/24/2007
Dear sweetheart, I can't send my salary this month, so I am sending 100
kisses. You are my sweetheart Regards, Your husband.
His wife replied back after some days to her husband. Dearest sweetheart, Thanks for your 100 kisses, I am sending the expense details.
1. The Milk man agreed on 2 kisses for one month's milk.
2. The electricity man only agrees after 7 kisses. ...
1 Comments, 128 Views,
7 Votes
,2.53 Score
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DUCKS 12/24/2007
Three little ducks go into a Bar...............................
"Say, what's your name?" the bartender
asked the first duck.
"Huey, " was the reply.
"How's your day been, Huey?"
"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles
all day. What else could a duck want?" said Huey.
"Oh. That's nice, " said the bartender.
He turned to the second ...
1 Comments, 66 Views,
6 Votes
,4.22 Score
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"Xmas Cake Recipe" 12/23/2007
Ingredients... 1 bottle of fine Whisky/1cup of brown sugar/1 cup of water/1tsp
of sea salt/8oz of nuts/2 cups of dried fruit/4 large organic
eggs/1 tsp baking soda/juice of 1 lemon.
Sample Whisky for quality
Take a large bowl, check the Whisky again
To be sure of its highest quality, pour a level cupful and
drink....Repeat
Turn on electric mixer, beat ...
1 Comments, 40 Views,
2 Votes
,3.81 Score
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The Devil 12/23/2007
One day in the future, OJ Simpson has a heart attack and dies.
He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting
for him.
"I don't know what to do here, " says the
devil. "You are on my list, but I have no room for you.
You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what
I'm going to do. I've got a couple of folks here
who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of
them go, ...
1 Comments, 112 Views,
8 Votes
,5.80 Score
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Follow Instructions 12/23/2007
A man is showering up in a locker room with his buddy when
he notices his friend is very well endowed.
"Damn Bob, you're hung!" Jim exclaims.
"I wasn't always this impressive, I had to work
for it."
"What do you mean?" Jim asked.
"Well, every day for the past two years I've spent
an hour each night rubbing it with butter. I know it sounds
crazy but it actually ...
1 Comments, 118 Views,
4 Votes
,5.19 Score
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"Psychiatrists Top Christmas Carols" 12/23/2007
Schizophrenia...."Do you hear what I hear?"
Multiple Personality Disorder...."We three kings
disoriented are"
Dementia...."I think I'll be home for Xmas"
Narcissistic...."Hark the herald angels sing about
me"
Manic...."Deck the halls and walls and houses and
streets and offices and towns and cars and buses and trucks
and trees.........."
...
0 Comments, 31 Views,
4 Votes
,3.63 Score
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"Could This Be The Ultimate Cyber Xmas?".......Ever! 12/23/2007
It was the night before Xmas and all was silent in the house,
Not a creature was stirring except for my mouse
No lived with me, so I thought I would chatter,
There would be no reindeer, and no loud clatter
There would be no fat Elf coming down my chimney, I'll be alone, just my computer and me
I won't race to the window to see him arrive, I'll just sit right ...
0 Comments, 39 Views,
3 Votes
,3.92 Score
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Winter Vacation 12/22/2007
Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter
vacation.
When they get there, the guy goes out to chop some wood. When
he gets back, he says, "Honey, my hands are freezing!"
She says, "Well, put them here between my thighs and
that will warm them up."
After lunch he goes back out to chop some more wood and comes
back and says again, "Man! my hands are really ...
0 Comments, 63 Views,
3 Votes
,3.43 Score
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Golf Lessons 12/22/2007
A husband and wife love to golf together, but neither of
them are playing like they want to, so they decide to take
private lessons.
The husband has his lesson first. After the pro sees his swing, he says, "No, no, no, you're
gripping the club way too hard!" "Well, what should I do?", asks the man. "Hold the club gently, " the pro replied, "just like you'd hold your wife's breast." ...
0 Comments, 72 Views,
4 Votes
,4.80 Score
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life in the year 2007 … 12/22/2007
1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in
years.
3. You have a list of 15 to reach your family
of 3.
4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and
family is that they don't have e-mail addresses or
a myspace page.
...
3 Comments, 125 Views,
9 Votes
,6.20 Score
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Women like that are hard to find ! 12/21/2007
Two men are drinking beer and fishing one day and almost
silently, so as not to scare the fish, one man says to the
other, "I think I'm going to divorce my wife.
She hasn't spoken to me in over 2 months."
The 2nd man continues slowly sipping his beer, then thoughtfully
says, "You better think that over for a little while.
Women like that are hard to find."...
9 Comments, 275 Views,
31 Votes
,7.17 Score
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FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE 12/20/2007
FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE
Lesson 1:
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing
up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door
neighbor. Be for e she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you
$800 to drop that towel. " After thinking for a ...
2 Comments, 228 Views,
10 Votes
,6.17 Score
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Just send the bottle back 12/19/2007
A gentleman at dinner asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an attractive woman sitting alone at another table.
The waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, This is from the gentleman seated over there, indicating the sender.
She regarded the wine coolly for a second, not looking at the man, and decided to send a reply note to the
man. The waiter, who was lingering ...
1 Comments, 179 Views,
13 Votes
,4.49 Score
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A visit to the Dentist 12/19/2007
This guy goes into his dentist's office, because something
is wrong with his mouth. After a brief examination, the
dentist exclaims, "Holy Smoke! That plate I installed
in your mouth about six months ago has nearly completely
corroded! What on earth have you been eating?" "Well...
the only thing I can think of is this... my wife made me some
asparagus about four months ago with this stuff on ...
1 Comments, 143 Views,
6 Votes
,3.37 Score
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The elephant and the camel 12/18/2007
An elephant asked a camel, Why are your breasts on your back?
Well, says the camel, I think that's a strange question coming from somebody whose wiener is on his face.
1 Comments, 127 Views,
6 Votes
,2.23 Score
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Kiss me just once! 12/17/2007
A woman visiting her doctor’s office suddenly blurts
out, “Doctor, kiss me!” The doctor looks at her and says
that it would be against his code of ethics to kiss her.
About 20 minutes later the woman shouts again, “Doctor,
please, kiss me just once!” Again he refuses apologetically
but says that as a doctor he simply cannot kiss her.
Finally ...
5 Comments, 207 Views,
30 Votes
,4.61 Score
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How To Give A Cat A Pill 12/17/2007
1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as
if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb
on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure
to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens
mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and
swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle
cat in left arm and repeat ...
3 Comments, 100 Views,
3 Votes
,5.39 Score
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Bad Pick Up Lines 12/17/2007
PICK UP LINES THAT MAY GET YOU KILLED
1. If you and I were squirrels, could I bust a nut in your hole?
2. I'd like to wrap your legs around my head and wear
you like a feed bag.
3. If it's true that we are what we eat, I could be you
by morning!
4. How do you like your eggs: poached, scrambled, or fertilized?
5. I was about to go masturbate and I ...
1 Comments, 92 Views,
4 Votes
,4.41 Score
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BlowJob Etiquette 12/17/2007
BLOWJOB ETIQUETTE FOR MEN FROM WOMEN:
1. First and foremost, we are not obligated to do it.
2. Extension to rule #1 - So if you get one, be grateful.
3. I don't care WHAT they did in the porn video you saw,
it is not standard practice to come on someone's face.
4. Extension to rule #3 - No, I DON'T have to swallow.
HELLOOOOOOOO!!!!! DO YOU HEAR THIS LOUD AND ...
2 Comments, 117 Views,
5 Votes
,5.75 Score
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Peaches 12/15/2007
An old woman had to go to court for stealing a can of peaches
from the grocery store. When the judge asked her why she
said she was hungary. So the judge asked how many peaches
were in the can she said 6. So the judge gave her 6 days in jail.
After hearing the sentance her husband asked if he could
say something. The judge agreed. To which the husband said
she also stole a can of peas to.
3 Comments, 125 Views,
6 Votes
,2.80 Score
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Sex education 12/14/2007
Coming through the door after school one day, Little Johnny
hollers out..... "Okay everyone in this house, please be advised That
I, Johnny Elvis Smith, have on this date made a complete
fool of myself in Sex Education class by repeating stories
concerning storks as told to me by certain parties residing
in this house.
1 Comments, 112 Views,
6 Votes
,1.09 Score
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Dumbest 12/13/2007
As a young boy enters a barber shop the barber whispers to
his customer's. This is the dumbest in the world. Watch while I prove
it to you."
The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters
in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which
do you want, ?" The boy takes the quarters and leaves.
"What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That
never learns!" ...
1 Comments, 137 Views,
5 Votes
,3.47 Score
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The Pirate 12/13/2007
A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said, "Hey,
I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look
terrible." "What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I
feel fine."
"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that
before." "Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon
ball, but I'm fine now."
"Well, ok, but what about that hook? "What happened
to your hand?" ...
1 Comments, 95 Views,
4 Votes
,2.86 Score
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A widow ? 12/13/2007
"What do you call a woman who knows where her husband
is every night?"
"A Widow!"...
18 Comments, 121 Views,
27 Votes
,5.45 Score
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He said, she said ! 12/13/2007
He said, "Shall we try swapping positions tonight?"
She said, "That's a good idea - You stand by the
ironing board while I sit on the sofa and rip FARTS!"...
10 Comments, 119 Views,
25 Votes
,7.45 Score
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Signs your are getting older 12/13/2007
Signs that you are no longer a (or even close) *************************************
You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead.
You can live without sex, but not without glasses.
Your back goes out more than you do.
You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks
into the room.
You buy a compass for the dash of your car.
...
1 Comments, 78 Views,
1 Votes
,5.00 Score
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Cute 12/13/2007
A NAMED SEX
Everybody I know who has a usually calls him "Rover"
or "Spot". I call mine Sex. Now, Sex has been
very embarrassing to me. When I went to the City Hall to renew
the dog's license, I told the clerk that I would like
a license for Sex. He said, "I would like to have one
too!" Then I said, "But she is a dog!" He
said he didn't care what she looked like. I said, "You
don't ...
2 Comments, 129 Views,
6 Votes
,4.50 Score
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Achieve more!!! Haha 12/13/2007
The next time someone tells you that they want you to give
100% - do one better and give 103%! Here's how.....
We have all been to those meetings where someone wants over
100%. Here's to achieving 103%. Here's a little
math that might prove helpful in the future!
If...
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 S T U V W ...
1 Comments, 59 Views,
2 Votes
,4.50 Score
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