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Zootopia 6/26/2016
The joke told to Flash the sloth was 3 x as funny reading the
Sloths running the dmv
1 Comments, 12 Views,
2 Votes
,2.42 Score
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A Long Italian Funeral 6/24/2016
ITALIAN FUNERAL - A Jewish man was leaving a convenience
store with his espresso when he noticed a most unusual Italian
funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.
A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about
50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was
a solitary Italian man walking a a large on a leash. Behind
him, a short distance back, were about 200 men ...
2 Comments, 51 Views,
6 Votes
,4.79 Score
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The Best We Can Offer 6/24/2016
A man goes to a pharmacy and asks to talk to a male pharmacist.
The woman behind the counter replies that she is the pharmacist,
that she and her sister own the drugstore, and that there
are no males employed there. “But surely I can help you, ”
she says.
“This is embarrassing for me, but I have a permanent erection
that causes me a lot of pain and severe embarrassment. I
was ...
2 Comments, 68 Views,
3 Votes
,2.94 Score
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Overheard on a golf course 6/23/2016
A Minister, a Bishop and a Rabbi were playing golf, the caddy
came and asked a question that got them thinking and how
to respond. "How do you decide what to give and what
to keep.... They answered this way it is the 10 / 10 / 100 percent
rule... This caused a big debate on how to apply it.... The Bishop said I draw a circle inside a circle and stand
outside this circle. The Minister ...
2 Comments, 58 Views,
6 Votes
,4.50 Score
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It's All In the Name 6/23/2016
A little Indian boy asked his father, the big chief and witch
doctor of the tribe, "Papa, why is it that we always
have long names, while the white men have shorter names
- Bill, Tex or Sam, for example?"
His father replied, "Look, , our names represent
a symbol, a sign, or a poem for our culture not like the white
men, who live all together and repeat their names from generation
to ...
2 Comments, 63 Views,
6 Votes
,4.22 Score
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scam!!!! 6/22/2016
WARNING: TO ALL THE MEN: READ THE FOLLOWING
Women often receive warnings about protecting themselves
at the mall and in dark parking lots, etc. This is the first
warning I have seen for men. I wanted to pass it on in case
you haven't heard about it.
A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular customer
s at Lowe's, Home Depot, Costco, or even Wal-Mart.
This ...
2 Comments, 75 Views,
11 Votes
,4.48 Score
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A real page turner 6/22/2016
A married couple is lying in bed one night. The wife is curled
up, ready to go to sleep, and the husband turns his bed lamp
on to read a book. As he's reading, he periodically
reaches over to his wife and fondles her special bits. He
does this a few times, but only for a very short interval
before returning to read his book. The wife gradually becomes
more and more aroused and, assuming that her ...
3 Comments, 64 Views,
5 Votes
,4.77 Score
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When I was First Married 6/22/2016
When we were newly weds, My wife made fantastic meals...
My work was crazy, and never knew what time I would get off.
I would get home at all hours. The meals turned into TV Dinners.
Then my wife said, from now on, I am going to treat you like
a Greek God, No more TV dinners! I Felt Great hearing the GOOD NEWS!
;
;
;
; Three Months Later;
; ...
1 Comments, 64 Views,
6 Votes
,2.51 Score
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Aussies 6/22/2016
An Australian is visiting Britain.
He's from a small rural village and is completely unfamiliar
with traffic rules and street lights, and just crosses
the streets whenever and wherever, almost getting hit
by cars all the time.
A police officer sees him and shouts: " Oi! You there,
did you come here to die?"
The Aussie replies: " Nah mate, I came yesterday."
2 Comments, 36 Views,
5 Votes
,4.12 Score
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Assertive 6/22/2016
A mild-mannered man was tired of being bossed around by
his wife so he went to a psychiatrist for help. The psychiatrist
said he needed to build his self-esteem. He gave the man
a book on assertiveness which the man read on the subway
home.
The man stormed into the house and walked up to his wife.
Pointing a finger he said "From now on I want you to
know that I am the man of the house ...
1 Comments, 50 Views,
4 Votes
,4.02 Score
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A guy gets a .... 6/21/2016
So this friend of mine and me, we get together for a couple
of beers or a twelver. So we're sitting out on the deck
getting more than a little wasted, and he tells me he got
a in NYC for $20.00.
"Yo! Twenty bucks, how was she?" I slurred back
at him.
"She was great, but she gave me the crabs."
"So what do you expect for twenty bucks, dude? LOBSTER???"
Peace ...
1 Comments, 42 Views,
5 Votes
,3.14 Score
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whats wrong hun? 6/21/2016
A man came home from work sporting two black eyes. "What happened to you?"
asked his wife. "I'll never understand women, "
he replied. "I was riding up in an escalator behind
this pretty young girl, and I noticed that her skirt was
stuck in the crack of her behind, so I pulled it out. She turned
around and punched me in the eye!" "I can certainly
appreciate that, " said the wife, "But how
did you ...
3 Comments, 67 Views,
9 Votes
,4.71 Score
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always horny 6/20/2016
why was tigger looking down the toilet looking for pooh
lol
1 Comments, 20 Views,
4 Votes
,0.53 Score
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Little Johnny is at it again 6/20/2016
A young teacher was giving her six-year-old class a lesson
about sharing. In the midst of doing so, she said that no
one had everything they wanted. At this point, a young arm
was energetically pumping at the back of the class.
She tried to ignore him, but little Johnny started saying,
"Oh miss, oh miss!" with his arm pumping.
"Yes, Johnny, what is it?" she asked, trying
to ...
3 Comments, 92 Views,
9 Votes
,5.14 Score
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The Blonde from First Class 6/15/2016
On a flight to New York the flight attendant said to a lady
sitting in first class, "Ma´am, I'm afraid
you'll have to sit in the back since you have a coach
ticket." The lady responded, "Listen, I'm
a beautiful blonde, I'm going to NY, and I'm sitting
in first class."
The two argued for a while but finally the flight attendant
went and got the first officer - who came and said, ...
2 Comments, 102 Views,
13 Votes
,4.32 Score
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funny joke 6/14/2016
A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when
her walks in. “Mother, where do babies come
from?” The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well
dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night
they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug, and have sex.”
The looks puzzled so the mother continues, “That
means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy’s ...
0 Comments, 80 Views,
7 Votes
,3.80 Score
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The Elite Chicken Farmer 6/14/2016
The , in need to file her taxes, visits an accountant
for the first time. “Before we begin I’ll need some
information.” He gets her name, address, social security
number, etc, and then asks, “What is your occupation?”
“I’m a , ” she says. The accountant balks and
says, “No, no, that will not work; too gross. Let’s
try to rephrase that.”
The woman says, ...
1 Comments, 77 Views,
9 Votes
,5.14 Score
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Little Red Riding hood 6/13/2016
Little red riding hood told here mother she was going to
grandmas house to visit. Her mother responded "Don't
cut through the woods or the big bad wolf will suck your titties
dry". She assures her mother she won't and heads
out.
When she gets to the cutoff through the woods, she makes
the turn and takes the shortcut. Shortly after the turn
little red riding hood crosses a stream and ...
1 Comments, 82 Views,
10 Votes
,4.58 Score
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Cheesehead Types 6/12/2016
Two men were driving through Dubuque, Iowa when they got
pulled over by a Dubuque Police Officer. The cop walked
up and tapped on the window with his nightstick. The driver
rolled down his window and "WHACK, " the cop
smacked him in the head with his nightstick.
"What the hell was that for?" the driver asked.
"You're in Iowa, , " the Officer answered.
"When we pull you over in Iowa, you ...
1 Comments, 73 Views,
9 Votes
,5.35 Score
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smart woman!! 6/11/2016
A businessman and his secretary, overcome by passion,
go to his house for an early afternoon quickie. "Don't worry, " he assures her, "my
wife is out of town on a business trip, so there's no
risk." As one thing leads to another, the woman reaches into her
purse and suddenly gasps, "We have to stop! I forgot
to bring birth control!" "No problem, " he replies, "I'll
get my wife's diaphragm." ...
2 Comments, 102 Views,
14 Votes
,4.26 Score
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LETTERS 6/10/2016
A woman went in for a physical the other day. The doctor asked
her to disrobe. When she did the doctor noticed she had a
big red "H" on her chest.
The doctor said: That's strange. How did you get the
red "H" on your chest?
The woman replied: My husband went to Harvard and beloved
the school so much he never takes his block sweater off...even
when we make love.
Several ...
1 Comments, 77 Views,
8 Votes
,5.33 Score
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Group Therapy for Moms 6/9/2016
A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session
with four young mothers and their small . "You
all have obsessions", he observed.
To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with
eating. You've even named your Candy."
He turned to the second Mom. "Your obsession is money.
Again, it manifests itself in your 's name, Penny."
He turned to the third mom. "Your ...
2 Comments, 81 Views,
8 Votes
,5.10 Score
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What Part of your body goes to heaven first ? 6/8/2016
The nun teaching Sunday School was speaking to her class
one morning and she asked the question, - “When you die and go to Heaven...
which part of your body goes first ?”
Suzy raised her hand and said, - “I think it's your
hands.”
- “Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy ?”
Suzy replied, - “Because when you pray, you hold your
hands together in front ...
1 Comments, 114 Views,
10 Votes
,6.37 Score
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3 drunk guy get in a taxi 6/7/2016
The taxi driver knew that they were drunk so he started the
engine & turned it off again. Then said, "We have
reached your destination". The 1st guy gave him money & the 2nd guy said "Thank
you". The 3rd guy slapped the driver. The driver was shocked thinking the 3rd drunk knew what
he did. But then he asked "What was that for?".
The 3rd guy replied, "Control your speed next time,
you nearly ...
0 Comments, 57 Views,
4 Votes
,4.41 Score
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the difference! 6/2/2016
Mechanic vs Surgeon
A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of
a Harley, when he spotted a world-famous heart surgeon
in his shop. The heart surgeon was waiting for the service
manager to come take a look at his bike. The mechanic shouted
across the garage, "Hey Doc can I ask you a question?"
The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to the
mechanic working on the ...
1 Comments, 99 Views,
12 Votes
,5.80 Score
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Haircut.... 6/1/2016
A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, "How
long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked
around the shop full of customers and said, "About
2 hours." The guy left.
A few days later,
the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber
looked around at the shop and said, "About 3 hours."
The guy left. ...
1 Comments, 77 Views,
4 Votes
,5.19 Score
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Laught during sex 5/26/2016
Hi guys and gals!
I in most cases love joking and making fun during sex. But
I know it may be irritating for most of the people. How would
you respond to a partner who laughs and tries to make jokes
during sex: insist on being serious or have fun together?
3 Comments, 44 Views,
5 Votes
,3.47 Score
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The Sneeze 5/23/2016
A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first
class section of an airplane. The woman sneezed, took out
a tissue, gently wiped her nose, and then visibly shuddered
for ten or fifteen seconds. The man went back to reading
his book. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again,
took a tissue, wiped her nose, and then shuddered violently
once more. Although assuming the woman might ...
0 Comments, 111 Views,
5 Votes
,4.45 Score
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HISTORY OF THE FAMOUS MIDDLE FINGER 5/23/2016
Before the Battle of Agincourt in 1415, the French, anticipating
victory over the English, proposed to cut off the middle
finger of all captured English soldiers. Without the middle
finger it would be impossible to draw the renowned English
longbow and therefore they would be incapable of fighting
in the future. This famous English longbow was made of the
native English Yew tree, and the act of ...
1 Comments, 95 Views,
4 Votes
,5.19 Score
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poor bubba!!! 5/20/2016
Bubba walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist
asked him what he had.
Bubba said, "Shingles."
So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance
number and told him to have a seat.
Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aid came out and asked
Bubba what he had. Bubba said, "Shingles."
So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical
history ...
1 Comments, 95 Views,
12 Votes
,5.45 Score
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