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a few good oneliners 10/11/2016
Why did God create orgasms? So women can moan even when they're happy.
Do you know why women fake orgasms? Because men fake foreplay.
What do girls and noodles have in common? They both wiggle when you eat them.
Why do women fake orgasms ? Because they think men care.
Women fake orgasms to have relationships. Men fake relationships to have orgasms.
1 Comments, 12 Views,
5 Votes
,2.16 Score
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Is this joke funny? 10/8/2016
A guy walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window,
"I want to open a fuckin' checking account"
To which the lady replied, "I beg your pardon, what
did you say?" "Listen up dammit, I said I want to open a fuckin'
checking account right now." "Sir, I'm sorry but we do not tolerate that kind
of language in this bank!" The teller left the window and went over to the bank manager
and told ...
1 Comments, 130 Views,
10 Votes
,3.19 Score
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the lost opportunity 10/5/2016
A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs,
forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an
accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid
his hand up her leg. The nun said, ‘Father, remember Psalm
129?’ The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let
his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said,
‘Father, remember Psalm 129?’ ...
1 Comments, 139 Views,
10 Votes
,5.38 Score
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newly married couple humour 10/5/2016
The wife tells her husband, “Honey, you know I’m a virgin
and I don’t know anything about Love. Can you explain
it to me first?”
“OK, Sweetheart, putting it simply, we will call your
private place ‘the prison’ and call my private thing
‘the prisoner’.
So what we do is: put the prisoner in the prison.
And then they made love for the first time. ...
1 Comments, 119 Views,
8 Votes
,3.71 Score
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Joke 10/2/2016
"Mom, where do tampons go?"
"Where the babies come from, darling."
"In a stork???!!!"
1 Comments, 36 Views,
5 Votes
,3.47 Score
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Squirll problems at places of worship 9/29/2016
There were four churches and a synagogue in a small town:
a Presbyterian church, a Baptist church, a Methodist church,
a Catholic church and a Jewish synagogue. Each church and
the synagogue had a problem with squirrels.
The Presbyterian Church called a meeting to decide what
to do about their squirrels. After much prayer and consideration
they determined the squirrels were predestined ...
1 Comments, 98 Views,
6 Votes
,4.50 Score
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Autopsy professor 9/26/2016
An autopsy professor was giving an introductory lecture
to a class of students. Standing over a corpse, he addressed
the class. 'There are two things you need to make a career
in medical forensics. First, you must have no fear.'
Having said that, he shoved his finger up the corpse's
anus and licked it. 'Now you must do the same, '
he told the class. After a couple of minutes of uneasy silence, ...
3 Comments, 97 Views,
8 Votes
,5.10 Score
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....good advice... 9/23/2016
I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had
been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married.
There was only one little thing bothering me—it was her
beautiful younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law
was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally
was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was
near me, and I always got more than a nice view. ...
2 Comments, 129 Views,
13 Votes
,6.00 Score
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My Granddaughter 9/21/2016
I’m 65 years old. My wife died of cancer three years ago.
I went into a deep depression. Nothing, and nobody, could
get me out of it. It lasted two years. One day I woke up and
said this is BS. I got up and showered and shaved. I got dressed
in good clothes for the first time in two years and left the
house.
I wandered around town looking at all the changes of the
last two years. ...
1 Comments, 292 Views,
15 Votes
,4.36 Score
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I won the lottery .... 9/20/2016
A man gets home, runs into his house, slams the door and shouts:
"Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery, I won the
lottery!"
The wife says: "Honey, I don't understand. Slow
down, I did not hear you clearly"
He says: " I won the lottery, I won the lottery...start
packing!"
The wife says: "Wow! That's great! Should I pack
for the ocean, or should I pack for the snow?" ...
0 Comments, 95 Views,
10 Votes
,4.98 Score
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Free Meat 9/20/2016
It was many years ago since the embarrassing day when a young
woman, with a baby in her arms, entered his butcher shop
and confronted him with the news that the baby was his and
asked what was he going to do about it? Finally, he offered
to provide her with free meat until the boy was 16. She agreed.
He had been counting the years off on his calendar, and one
day the , who had been ...
1 Comments, 108 Views,
7 Votes
,5.33 Score
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At the Bar 9/18/2016
“Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in,
staggers up to the counter, and points at the guy in the middle,
shouting, "Your mom's the best sex in town!"
Everyone expects a fight, but the guy ignores him, so the
drunk wanders off and bellies up to the bar at the far end.
Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at the same
guy, and says, "I just did your mom, and it was ...
3 Comments, 98 Views,
11 Votes
,4.66 Score
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inches!! 9/18/2016
you know the look!, yea..." the look", I am referring
to the look ok your face whilst having sex with someone for
the first time and you hear the moan and groans , yes baby!
yes!! baby...fuck me harder!!, , deeper, deeper baby, !!!
then you look down .......and you realise that you are all
out of" INCHES"!!!
2 Comments, 66 Views,
13 Votes
,3.48 Score
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Sneak Home 9/17/2016
Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one
turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't
know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've
been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get
to the driveway, shut off the engine and coast into the garage.
I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the
stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed ...
2 Comments, 90 Views,
11 Votes
,4.66 Score
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Life is like a box of choclates!! 9/17/2016
Forrest Gump once said "Life is like a box of choclates,
you never know what your gonna get"...BOLLOCKS -
Life's like Oral SEX, One slip of the tongue your in
the Shit..
1 Comments, 22 Views,
5 Votes
,4.45 Score
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Family Dinner Conversation! 9/16/2016
A family is at the dinner table. The asks the father,
“Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?” The father,
surprised, answers, “Well, , a woman goes through
three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons,
round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still
nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.”
“Onions?” the asks. “Yes. You see them and ...
1 Comments, 77 Views,
10 Votes
,5.18 Score
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Watch 9/15/2016
I have two sexy lesbian close friends and for my birthday
they got me a Rolex. Its great at telling the time but I don't think they
understood what I meant when I said "I wanted to watch!"
1 Comments, 32 Views,
7 Votes
,3.30 Score
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Ski Lodge 9/14/2016
Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren’t enough rooms,
so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the
guy on the right wakes up and says, “I had this wild, vivid
dream of getting a hand job!” The guy on the left wakes
up, and unbelievably, he’s had the same dream, too. Then
the guy in the middle wakes up and says, “That’s funny,
I dreamed I was skiing!”
1 Comments, 38 Views,
9 Votes
,3.00 Score
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Local Ad 9/14/2016
A woman places an ad in the local newspaper. “Looking
for a man with three qualifications: won’t beat me up,
won’t run away from me, and is great in bed.” Two days
later her doorbell rings. “Hi, I’m Tim. I have no arms
so I won’t beat you, and no legs so I won’t run away.”
“What makes you think you are great in bed?” the woman
retorts. Tim replies, “I rang the doorbell, ...
2 Comments, 36 Views,
7 Votes
,4.31 Score
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Why did I get divorced? 9/12/2016
Why did I get divorced? Well, last week was my birthday.
My wife didn't wish me a happy birthday. My parents
forgot and so did my . I went to work and even my colleagues
didn't wish me a happy birthday. As I entered my office,
my secretary said, "Happy birthday, boss!"
I felt so special. She asked me out for lunch. After lunch,
she invited me to her apartment. We went there and she said,
"Do you ...
3 Comments, 120 Views,
12 Votes
,4.57 Score
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Sounds 9/11/2016
How do you classify women based on the sounds they make during
sex?
- There are the sopranos who say "Ahh.. Ahh... Ahhh..."
- The mezzo-sopranos saying "Ohhh... oohh... oohhh..."
- The Contraltos yelling "Uhh.. Uhh... Uhhh..."
- The opera singers who cover all three above and make sure
the whole neighborhood knows you are doing her. - The positives screaming "Yes... Yess... Yess..."
- ...
2 Comments, 48 Views,
9 Votes
,2.36 Score
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gay jokes 9/9/2016
how do you fit 4 gay guys on a bar stool ? turn the stool over.
why do gay guys used ribbed condoms ? for traction in the mud
what do u call a gay guys ball sack ? mud flaps
1 Comments, 21 Views,
5 Votes
,2.82 Score
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What’s the difference between a Catholic priest and a zit? 9/6/2016
A zit will wait until you’re twelve before it comes on
your face.
2 Comments, 32 Views,
8 Votes
,0.70 Score
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rude joke 9/5/2016
How do you embarrass an archeologist? Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.
1 Comments, 20 Views,
3 Votes
,3.92 Score
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Have You Seen Ilene? 9/5/2016
This guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender
looks at the guy and says, "Have you seen Ilene?"
The guy is rather confused and asks, "Ilene who?"
The bartender replies, "I lean over and you kiss my
ass."
Well the man was offended by this and walks out the door and
into the bar across the street. So he sits down and orders
a beer. While he is drinking his beer he ...
1 Comments, 100 Views,
8 Votes
,4.64 Score
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M&M joke 9/2/2016
Three guys die in a car crash a white guy, a mexican and a black
man. Before they get to heaven the devil has to get a shot
at them so he stops them and says "hey i am going to grab
on to each of your dicks and if it melts you go to hell"
They all look at each other and shrug their shoulders thinking
fair enough. The white guy puffs out his chest and says "give it
your best shot" The devil ...
1 Comments, 93 Views,
7 Votes
,4.06 Score
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words!!! 9/1/2016
a husband read an article to his wife about how many words
women use per day....30000 to a man's 15000.
The wife replied. "The reason has to be because we
have to repeat everything to men".
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"
1 Comments, 42 Views,
8 Votes
,5.10 Score
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Meow 8/26/2016
A Girl was towelling her wet pussy. She enjoyed it so much
that she began to rub it vigorously until... ...the pussy
cried "Meow" and runs away.
Moral Lessons 1. Be kind to Animals 2. Always keep your thoughts clean...
1 Comments, 25 Views,
4 Votes
,3.25 Score
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overly used joke 8/23/2016
whats the difference between 69 and 6.9?
a great thing fucked up by a period
5 Comments, 37 Views,
13 Votes
,3.98 Score
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Swallow 8/23/2016
Do any men taste their own cum? Swallow it?
3 Comments, 41 Views,
8 Votes
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