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Blown away.... 1/24/2013
A blonde was driving home and got caught in a really bad hailstorm.
Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it
to the repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde
and decided to have some fun. He told her just to go home and
blow into the tail pipe really hard and all the dents would
pop out. The blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees
and started blowing into ...
1 Comments, 158 Views,
5 Votes
,4.12 Score
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Bad luck.... 1/24/2013
A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma
for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every
single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her
to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full
of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times...
When I got fired, you were there to support me.
When my business ...
0 Comments, 104 Views,
3 Votes
,2.94 Score
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'STOP' thief 1/24/2013
My buddy just got sacked from The Highway Maintenance Dept
for stealing, so I went up to see him.... and all the signs
were there.
0 Comments, 122 Views,
4 Votes
,0.14 Score
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Dirty Joke 1/24/2013
I shouted down to my wife...'Hey come up to the bathroom
and see the size of this crap I've just done, it's
a new world record!! 'You're disgusting! I'm not going anywhere
near that bathroom, you degenerate!' 'If you don't go up, just for a peek. I will throw
your best dress out the window' The wife trudges reluctantly upstairs... 'OK very funny! Nothing in the toilet you childish
moron!' 'It's ...
0 Comments, 124 Views,
7 Votes
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It just hit me! 1/23/2013
My sleeps about 20 hours a day. He has his food prepared for him. His meals are provided at no cost to him. He visits the Dr. once a year for his checkup, and again during
the year, if any medical needs arise. For this he pays nothing, and nothing is required of him.
He lives in a nice neighborhood in a house that is much larger
than he needs, but he is not required to do any upkeep. If he makes ...
2 Comments, 108 Views,
6 Votes
,4.50 Score
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Simple 1/23/2013
SIMPLE TRUTH 1 Lovers help each other undress before sex. However after sex, they always dress on their own. Moral of the story: In life, no one helps you once you're
screwed. SIMPLE TRUTH 2 When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch the stomach
and say, "Congrats". But, none of them come and touch the man's penis and
say, "Good job". Moral of the story: "Hard ...
0 Comments, 69 Views,
2 Votes
,3.81 Score
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IT'S ALL IN THE DELIVERY 1/23/2013
Barack Obama was touring the countryside in his chauffeur-driven
limo. Suddenly, a Donkey jumps out onto the road, they hit
it full-on and the car comes to an abrupt stop.
Obama says to the chauffeur: 'You get out and check,
you were the one driving.'
The chauffeur gets out, checks and reports that the animal
is dead.
'You were driving; go and tell the farmer, ' says ...
2 Comments, 142 Views,
10 Votes
,4.78 Score
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There comes a time 1/23/2013
There comes a time when a woman just has to trust her husband...
For example... A wife comes home late at night, and quietly
opens the door to her bedroom. From under the blanket she
sees four legs instead of two. She reaches for a baseball
bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can. Leaving
the covered bodies groaning, she goes to the kitchen to
have a drink.
As she ...
0 Comments, 116 Views,
3 Votes
,5.39 Score
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NORWEGIAN FIRE DEPARTMENT 1/21/2013
One dark night outside a small town in Minnesota , a fire
started inside the local chemical plant and in a blink of
an eye it exploded into massive flames. The alarm went out
to all the fire departments for miles around. When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene,
the chemical company president rushed to the fire chief
and said, "All our secret formulas are in the vault
in the center ...
0 Comments, 102 Views,
6 Votes
,3.93 Score
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Wish I'd Said That! 1/20/2013
When the white missionaries came to Africa, they had the
Bible and we had the land. They said, 'Let us pray.'
We closed our eyes. When we opened them, we had the Bible
and they had the land. ~ Desmond Tutu
Give a man a fish and you'll feed him for a day. Give him
religion and he'll starve to death while praying for
a fish. ~ Timothy Jones
America is ...
0 Comments, 97 Views,
3 Votes
,3.92 Score
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The Ferrari 1/20/2013
An 18 year old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed
her period for two months. Very worried, the mother goes
to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result
shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying,
the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you?
I want to know!" The girl picks up the phone and makes
a call.
Half an hour later, a Ferrari ...
0 Comments, 155 Views,
4 Votes
,3.63 Score
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Sunday School 1/20/2013
Little April was not the best student in Sunday school.
Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping,
"Tell me, April, who created the universe?"
When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated
in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear.
"GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher
said, "Very good" and April fell back ...
0 Comments, 119 Views,
6 Votes
,3.37 Score
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Play Date 1/20/2013
A mom is driving her little girl to a friend's house
for a play date. "Mommy , " the little girl asks
, "how old are you?" "Honey , you are not supposed to ask a lady her age",
the mother warns . "It is not polite". "Ok", the little girl says ."How much
do you weigh?"
"Now really , " the mother says , "these
are personal questions and really none of your business."
Undaunted , the little ...
0 Comments, 123 Views,
3 Votes
,3.43 Score
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Grandpa Won't Share 1/20/2013
A five year old boy and his grandfather are sitting on the
front porch together, when grandpa pulls a beer out of a cooler. the
little boy asked, "Grandpa, can I have a beer?" Grandpa replied,
"Can your dick touch your ass?" The little boy answered no. Grandpa said "Then you're not man enough to have
a beer." A little later Grandpa lights up a cigar. The little boy
asked, "Grandpa, can I have a ...
0 Comments, 108 Views,
3 Votes
,2.94 Score
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Parrot From The Pet Store. 1/20/2013
A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large,
beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00. "Why so little?" she asked the pet store owner.
The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell
you first that this bird used to live in a house of
and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."
The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have
the bird ...
0 Comments, 104 Views,
2 Votes
,4.50 Score
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How Much Is This Car? 1/20/2013
A lady walks into a Lexus dealership. She browses around,
then spots the perfect car and walks over to inspect it. As she bends
to feel the fine leather upholstery, a loud fart escapes her. Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if
anyone has noticed her little accident and hopes a sales person doesn't
pop up right now. As she turns back, there standing next to her, is a salesman. ...
0 Comments, 91 Views,
2 Votes
,3.12 Score
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Stories From A Bar 1/19/2013
4 guys sitting around having drinks and one of the men had
to use the restroom. The three others talked about their
. The first guy said, "my is my pride and joy
he started working at a company at the bottom. He studied
business and began to climb the corporate ladder, became
president of the company. Hes so rich he gave his best friend
a top of the line mercedes for christmas. The second guy ...
0 Comments, 111 Views,
3 Votes
,3.92 Score
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Happy Halloween 1/19/2013
A nun gets into a cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring
at her.
Finally, the cabbie says, "I have a question to ask
you, but I don't want to offend you."
"My dear , you cannot offend me. When you're
as old as I am, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy about a nun performing
oral sex on me."
"Well, first, ...
0 Comments, 100 Views,
2 Votes
,3.12 Score
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At The Pearly Gates 1/19/2013
Two men waiting at the Pearly Gates strike up a conversation.
‘How'd you die?’ the first man asks the second. ‘I froze to death, ’ says the second. ‘That's awful, ’ says the first man. ‘How does
it feel to freeze to death?’ ‘It's very uncomfortable at first’, says the
second man. ‘You get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually,
it's a very ...
0 Comments, 75 Views,
5 Votes
,3.14 Score
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Brings A Tear To My Eye 1/19/2013
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband
was not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes down stairs to look for him.
She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front him. He appears deep in thought, just staring
at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and
takes a sip of coffee. "What's the matter, dear?" she whispers
as she steps into ...
0 Comments, 100 Views,
2 Votes
,3.81 Score
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The Bigger The Dumber 1/19/2013
A mother and father took their 6-year-old to a nude beach.
As the boy walked along the beach, he noticed that some of
the ladies had boobs bigger than his mother’s, and asked
her why. She told her , "The bigger they are the dumber the
person is."
The boy pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean
but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger
"units" ...
0 Comments, 100 Views,
2 Votes
,3.12 Score
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Is There A Problem Officer? 1/19/2013
Woman: Is there a problem, Officer? Officer: Ma’am, you were speeding. Woman: Oh, I see. Officer: Can I see your license please? Woman: I’d give it to you but I don’t have one. Officer: Don’t have one? Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving. Officer: I see…Can I see your vehicle registration papers
please. Woman: I can’t do that. Officer: Why not? Woman: I stole this car. Officer: ...
0 Comments, 82 Views,
2 Votes
,1.73 Score
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Oh I Wish You Hadn't Said That 1/19/2013
:"Daddy, I fell in love & want to date this
awesome girl!"
Father: "That's great . Who is she?"
: "It's Sandra, the neighbor's "
Father: "Ohhh I wish you hadn't said that. I have to tell u something , but you must promise not to
tell your mother. Sandra is actually your sister. "The boy is naturally bummed out, but a couple of months
later ...
: "Daddy, I fell ...
0 Comments, 115 Views,
2 Votes
,2.42 Score
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It Could Be Worse 1/19/2013
A mother passing by her daughters bedroom was astonished
2 see the bed was nicely made & everything was picked
up. Then she saw an envelope propped up on the center of the
bed. It was addressed, "Mom". With the worst
premonition, she opened the envelope with trembling hands:
"Dear Mum, it is with great regret & sorrow that
im writing 2 u, i had 2 elope with my new boyfriend because
i wanted 2 ...
0 Comments, 95 Views,
8 Votes
,4.41 Score
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Man logic 1/17/2013
Lady: Do you drink?
Man: Yes
Lady: How much a day?
Man: 3 6 packs
Lady: How much per 6 pack
Man: about $10.00
Lady: And how long have you been drinking?
Man: 15 years
Lady: So 1 6 pack cost $10.00 and you have 3 packs a day which
puts your spending each month at $900. In one year, it would
be $10, 800 correct?
Man: ...
0 Comments, 138 Views,
11 Votes
,4.10 Score
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Warning: 1/17/2013
Don't wash your hair in the shower.
It's so good to finally get a health warning that is
useful!!! IT INVOLVES THE SHAMPOO WHEN IT RUNS DOWN YOUR
BODY WHEN YOU SHOWER WITH IT!!!!
WARNING TO US ALL!!! I don't know WHY I didn't figure
this out sooner! I use shampoo in the shower! When I wash
my hair, the shampoo cascades down my whole body, and very
clearly printed on the ...
0 Comments, 103 Views,
6 Votes
,3.08 Score
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Jack and the 1/17/2013
So, we had this great cat named Jack and the would carry
him around and nothing ever bothered him. He used to hang
out and nap all day long on this mat in our bathroom.
Well we have 3 and at the time of this story they were
4 years old, 3 years old and 1 year old. The middle one is Eli.
Eli really loves chapstick. LOVES it. He kept asking to
use my chapstick and then losing it. So ...
0 Comments, 102 Views,
3 Votes
,2.45 Score
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Busted for DWI 1/16/2013
We are headed to the GnR Concert about 2000 miles away. The
Cessna is in for repairs can't hitch a ride at the airport.
So we do a road trip! We are about 20 miles till our destination
so we break out the bottled beer! Of course I grab a Miller
Light with Little Bit (Audrey's nickname) taking
the Bud in a bottle. As we get closer Little Bit decides to slide her hand over
to my leg then up closer ...
0 Comments, 76 Views,
4 Votes
,1.30 Score
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I was ready to check out 1/16/2013
When I was ready to check out and pay for my groceries, the
cashier said, "Strip down, facing me."
Making a mental note so I could complain to our congressman
about this running amok Homeland Security crap, I did just
as he had instructed. After the shrieking and hysterical
remarks finally subsided, I found out that he was referring
to how I should position my credit card.
...
0 Comments, 96 Views,
5 Votes
,3.47 Score
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This is my neighbor: 1/16/2013
> She's single. > She lives right across the street. > I can see her from my living room. > I watched as she got home this evening from playing
golf. > I was surprised when she walked across the street and
up on my porch. > She knocked on my door....I rushed to open it. > She looks at me, and says, > "I just got home, and I am so horny! I have this
strong urge to > have a good time, get drunk, ...
0 Comments, 123 Views,
4 Votes
,5.57 Score
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