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WALTER? 3/18/2013
President Obama goes to a primary school to talk to the
. After his talk he offers question time. One little boy puts up his hand, and Obama asks him his name.
" Walter, " responds the little boy. "And what is your question, Walter?" "I have four questions" First, "Why did the USA Bomb Libya without the support
of the Congress?" Second, "Why do you keep saying you fixed the economy
when ...
1 Comments, 136 Views,
8 Votes
,6.03 Score
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RADOM STUFF 3/18/2013
Went out last night and got really wasted. I woke up in
the middle of the night next to some chick who was snoring
and farting, so I knew I made it home OK!
The wife's back on the warpath again. She was up for
making a sex movie last night, and all I did was suggest we
should hold auditions for her part.
I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles.
My next shit could ...
0 Comments, 102 Views,
4 Votes
,4.02 Score
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AGONY OF AGING 3/18/2013
On the morning that Daylight Savings Time ended I stopped
in to visit my aging friend.
He was busy covering his penis with black shoe polish.
I said to him,
"You dumb shit! - You're supposed to turn your
clock back". ...
0 Comments, 93 Views,
3 Votes
,4.90 Score
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RETIRED 3/18/2013
I'm retired. Go around me.
God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked,
the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight
to tell the difference.
Now that I'm older here's what I've discovered:
1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
2. My wild oats have turned into prunes and all-bran.
3. I finally ...
0 Comments, 60 Views,
2 Votes
,5.20 Score
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SAME AS PUTTING IT IN 3/18/2013
A married Irishman went into the confessional and said
to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'
The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'
The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed
together but then I stopped.'
The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting
it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance say ...
0 Comments, 89 Views,
3 Votes
,5.39 Score
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JEWISH TIE SALESMAN 3/18/2013
A fleeing Taliban terrorist, desperate for water,
was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something
far off in the distance.
Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the mirage, only
to find a very frail little old Jewish man standing at a small
makeshift display rack - selling ties.
The Taliban terrorist asked, "Do you have water?"
The Jewish man replied, ...
0 Comments, 71 Views,
3 Votes
,5.39 Score
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ROMANCE 3/18/2013
Wife, being the romantic sort, sent her husband a text:
If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating,
send me a bite. If you are drinking send me a sip. If you are
crying, send me your tears. I love you!
The husband, typically non-romantic, replied, I am on
the commode. Please advise. ...
0 Comments, 82 Views,
3 Votes
,4.41 Score
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Job Description 3/18/2013
Someone once asked me, what is your job?" I replied,
"I am my wife's sexual adviser."
Somewhat shocked, they said "I beg your pardon, but
what do you mean by that?"
"Very simple. My wife has told me that when she wants
my fucking advice, she'll ask me for it."
0 Comments, 117 Views,
3 Votes
,2.94 Score
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THE POPE AND THE CROSSWORD PUZZLE 3/18/2013
A businessman is getting on a flight when he hears from
another passenger that the Pope is going to be on the flight.
"WOW, great!" he thinks, being a devout Christian,
"What a great place to be today."
Just before the aircraft doors are closed, the Pope enters
the plane, and to the guy's delight, sits next to him.
I am surely blessed the man thinks.
Here I am, a ...
1 Comments, 98 Views,
9 Votes
,2.14 Score
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CATCH A RABBIT? 3/17/2013
How do you catch a unique rabbit? Unique up on it!
How do you catch a tame rabbit? Tame way, unique up on it!...
0 Comments, 40 Views,
4 Votes
,1.30 Score
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VIAGRA? 3/17/2013
Do you know what the main ingredient in Viagra is?
fixaflat...
1 Comments, 36 Views,
4 Votes
,0.92 Score
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APPLE DOES IT AGAIN 3/17/2013
Apple Computer announced today that it has developed
A computer chip that can store and play high fidelity music
In women's breast implants.
The iTit will cost between $499.00 and $699.00 Depending
on speaker size.
This is considered to be a major breakthrough Because women
have always complained about men staring at their tits
and not listening to them....
0 Comments, 61 Views,
7 Votes
,2.79 Score
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CONDOMS 3/17/2013
I asked a chemist about the condom. He demonstrated
how easy it was to use so I bought a packet. My wife fell pregnant
again, which doesn't surprise me, as I fail to see how
a Durex stretched over the thumb can prevent a baby....
0 Comments, 85 Views,
6 Votes
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GOOD ADVICE-----SAFE SEX 3/17/2013
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex!
A friend of mine was wearing one, when he was shot by the woman's husband.
Please pass this public safety information on....
0 Comments, 38 Views,
6 Votes
,1.37 Score
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LOOK BEFORE YOU LICK 3/17/2013
A man comes home from a hard day at work, he decides to
wake his wife by giving her oral sex.
He climbs under the blankets, gently spreads her legs,
and proceeds to lick away until she shivers and cum's
and squirts all over his face.
He goes into the bathroom to wash his face and finds........his
wife, he screams "HOW DID YOU GET IN HERE SO FAST!?"
His wife replies ...
0 Comments, 107 Views,
4 Votes
,2.86 Score
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HOW TO RIDE CHEAP 3/17/2013
Three engineers and three accountants are traveling
by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants
each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only
a single ticket.
"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?”
asks an accountant. "Watch and you’ll see, ”
answers an engineer. All of them board the train. The accountants
take their ...
0 Comments, 77 Views,
6 Votes
,3.08 Score
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fix the outhouse 3/17/2013
Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out,
"Pa! You need to go out and fix the outhouse!"
Pa replies, "There ain't nuthin wrong with the
outhouse."
Ma yells back, "Yes there is, now git out there and
fix it."
So Pa mosies out to the outhouse, looks around and yells
back, "Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with this
here outhouse!"
"Ma replies, "Dang ...
1 Comments, 116 Views,
7 Votes
,3.55 Score
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applied for a fork lift operator job 3/17/2013
Tyrone applied for a fork lift operator job at a famous firm
based in Detroit.
A white man applied for the same job and since both applicants
had similar qualifications, they were asked to take a test
and led to a quiet room with no interruptions, by the Manager.
When the results were in, both men had scored 19 out of 20.
The manager went to Tyrone and said, "Thank you ...
0 Comments, 98 Views,
9 Votes
,3.85 Score
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LEAD MONKEY DEAD 3/15/2013
On January 2nd of this year Davy Jones, lead singer for the 60’s pop group the Monkeys passed
away.
The following morning headlines in the Washington Post
read:
LEAD MONKEY DEAD
It took the secret service several hours to get Joe Biden
to calm down and stop running around the White House yelling,
“I’m the President!”
2 Comments, 112 Views,
10 Votes
,3.78 Score
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Parkinson’s or Alzheimer’s 3/11/2013
An old Woman was asked, "At your ripe age, which would
you prefer to get, Parkinson’s or Alzheimer’s?"
The wise one answered, "Definitely Parkinson's
- Better to spill half my wine than to forget where I keep
the bottle."
0 Comments, 136 Views,
7 Votes
,3.04 Score
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IRISH OR ITALIAN ... 3/11/2013
There were two Catholic boys, Timothy Murphy and Antonio
Secola, whose lives paralleled each other in amazing ways.
In the same year Timothy was born in Ireland, Antonio was
born in Italy.
Faithfully they attended parochial School from kindergarten
through their senior year in high school. They took their
vows to enter the priesthood early in college, and upon
graduation, became priests. ...
2 Comments, 150 Views,
10 Votes
,3.98 Score
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OPTIONS 3/9/2013
Last night a complete stranger asked me if I liked breasts
or thighs, I told him that I preferred a hot, wet, pussy.
Apparently that wasn’t an option with the KFC Bargain
Bucket....
1 Comments, 85 Views,
10 Votes
,3.58 Score
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HUNGRY ASS 3/9/2013
A man goes to the doctor's and says, 'Doctor,
I rally need some help. I can't seem to get an erection.'
The doctor examines him carefully and suggests a number
of remedies - all to no avail. 'Herbal remedies, Viagra, hydraulic pumps - nothing
seems to work, ' says the man. 'Well, ' the doctor says, 'There ia a last-ditch
option. Scientists at the local hospital are doing some
experimental ...
0 Comments, 149 Views,
5 Votes
,2.82 Score
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VOTES??????? 3/9/2013
I'm just wondering something on the joke line here.
I just posted several jokes, ok they all aren't fall
over funny but they are good for a laugh. My question is who the hell takes the time and effort to always
vote on just mine and to vote DON'T LIKE..its just mine..the
best part I haven't posted in about 3 months and they
still did it last night. Now either this person has the worst sense of ...
5 Comments, 100 Views,
14 Votes
,3.78 Score
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A Limerick 3/9/2013
There was a young man from Kent, Who's tool was decidedly bent, To save himself trouble, He put it in double, And instead of coming he went!
1 Comments, 77 Views,
3 Votes
,1.47 Score
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might be right 3/9/2013
During a discussion at Sunday school, a nun asks the
what they think God takes you by when you die. A responds,
"I think God takes you by your feet, because once I
walked into my parents room and my mom's feet were in
the air and she was screaming, "Oh God, I'm coming!!!"
2 Comments, 133 Views,
7 Votes
,4.06 Score
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funny joke 3/9/2013
A man was having premature ejaculation problems so he went
to the doctor. The doctor said, "When you feel like
you are getting ready to ejaculate, try startling yourself."
That same day the man went to the store and bought himself
a starter pistol and ran home to his wife. That night the
two were having sex and found themselves in the 69 position.
The man felt the urge to ejaculate and fired the ...
0 Comments, 128 Views,
5 Votes
,3.14 Score
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Quick condom joke 3/9/2013
What did the penis say to the condom? Cover me, I´m goin
in!!!
0 Comments, 55 Views,
2 Votes
,1.04 Score
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Life Sentence 3/9/2013
A bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm
a virgin and I don't know anything about sex. Can you
explain it to me first?" "Okay, sweetheart.
Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the
prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'.
So what we do is put the prisoner in the prison." And
they made love for the first time and the husband was smiling
with satisfaction. Nudging him, ...
1 Comments, 136 Views,
5 Votes
,3.47 Score
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The Cheese Sandwich 3/9/2013
A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar
which reads, "Cheese Sandwich: $1.50; Chicken Sandwich:
$2.50; Hand Job: $10.00." Checking his wallet for
the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons
to one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving
drinks to an eager-looking group of men. "Yes?"
she enquires with a knowing smile, "Can I help you?"
"I was ...
1 Comments, 125 Views,
4 Votes
,2.86 Score
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