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HAPPY BIRTHDAY 4/1/2013
A man asked his wife what she'd like for her 40th
birthday. "I'd love to be six again, "
she replied.
On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early
and off they went to a local theme park.
What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death
Slide, the Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear, everything
there was! Wow!
Five hours later she staggered ...
0 Comments, 99 Views,
3 Votes
,2.94 Score
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HURTS ALL OVER 4/1/2013
A man decides to take off early from work and go drinking.
He stays until the bar closes at 2am, at which time he is extremely
drunk. When he enters his house, he doesn't want to
wake anyone, so he takes off his shoes and starts tip-toeing
up the stairs. Half-way up the stairs, he falls over backwards
and lands flat on his rear end. That wouldn't have been so bad,
except that he had couple of ...
0 Comments, 104 Views,
6 Votes
,3.37 Score
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TOO DARK 4/1/2013
A man is talking to his best friend about married life.
"You know, " he says, "I really trust
my wife, and I think she has always been faithful to me. But
there's always that doubt."
His friend says, "Yeah, I know what you mean."
A couple of weeks later the man has to go out of town on business.
Before he goes, he gets together with his friend.
"While I'm ...
0 Comments, 94 Views,
4 Votes
,2.86 Score
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15 MINUTES 4/1/2013
The Dean of Women at an exclusive girls' school
was lecturing her students on sexual morality.
"We live today in very difficult times for young people.
In moments of temptation, " she said, "ask
yourself just one question: Is just 10-15 minutes of pleasure
worth a lifetime of shame?"
A young woman rose in the back of the room and said, "Excuse
me, but how do you make it last ...
0 Comments, 75 Views,
3 Votes
,1.96 Score
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VIAGRA 4/1/2013
The dentist pulls out a Novocain needle to give the man
a shot, so he can extract the man's tooth. 'No way!
No needles. I hate needles' the patient said.
The dentist starts to hook up the nitrous oxide and the man
objects I can't do the gas thing. The thought of having
the gas mask on is suffocating to me!
The dentist then asks the patient if he has any objection
to taking ...
0 Comments, 101 Views,
3 Votes
,3.43 Score
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SAVED MONEY 4/1/2013
I just saved a buncha money on car insurance by banging
my agent....
0 Comments, 60 Views,
3 Votes
,1.47 Score
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GUILTY? 4/1/2013
A man goes to visit a fortune teller. In a dark and hazy
room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered
grave news. "There's no easy way to say this, so I'll
just be blunt - prepare yourself to be a widow. Your wife
will die a violent and horrible death this year."
Visibly shaken, the man stares at the fortune teller's
lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then ...
0 Comments, 79 Views,
4 Votes
,2.47 Score
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Fishing con't 4/1/2013
DJ catches a whiff of the cigar and said 'damb gramps
that cigar sure smells good, can I have a puff?' Gramps
responds 'DJ, will your pecker reach your ahole?'
Dissgusted, DJ replys 'no gramps, already told you....'
Gramps replys again, ', you are too small to smoke'.
After a bit, granny hollers at DJ, and and after going to
visit her for a bit returns with a shithouse load of homeade
cookies ...
1 Comments, 118 Views,
4 Votes
,2.86 Score
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Dirty Jonnie's Fishing Trip 4/1/2013
DJ (dirty jonnie) was over at the grandparents house on
a beautiful day. Grandpa suggested a fishing trip might
be in order, and DJ concured. They asked grandma if she was
in, and she was all about it. Gramps went and got the fishing
gear in order, and granny packed a picnic basket full of
goodies and they headed out. After fishing for a bit, the
gramps reach in his ice chest and pulls out a cold ...
1 Comments, 126 Views,
4 Votes
,1.30 Score
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THE DEAD ASS 3/31/2013
Father O'Malley rose from his bed one morning.
It was a fine Spring day in his new parish.
He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath
of the beautiful day outside; and it was then he noticed there
was a donkey lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called
the local police station.
The conversation went like this:
"Good morning. ...
0 Comments, 99 Views,
7 Votes
,3.55 Score
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NUNS & CROSS 3/31/2013
Two Nuns driving down a road when a Vampire lands on the
front of the car "Quick" says the first Nun, "show it your
cross" the second Nun leans out of the window and shouts "GET OFF MY FUCKING CAR YOU MOTHERFUCKER"...
0 Comments, 56 Views,
4 Votes
,2.08 Score
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BASKIN ROBINS 3/31/2013
A farmer plowed his field and two robins saw numerous
opportunities for food. They ate their fill of worms and
slugs. They rolled over on their backs and fell asleep.
Two farm cats snuck up on them and pounced.
One says to the other, "I love baskin robins"....
0 Comments, 49 Views,
3 Votes
,0.49 Score
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Living Will Form: 3/31/2013
Living Will Form:
I, ______________, being of sound mind and body, do not
wish to be kept alive indefinitely by artificial means..
Under no circumstances should my fate be put in the hands
of pinhead partisan politicians who couldn't pass
ninth-grade biology, if their lives depended on it, or
lawyers/doctors/hospitals interested in ...
0 Comments, 96 Views,
8 Votes
,5.80 Score
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Stuck in a traffic jam 3/31/2013
A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside
Washington, DC.
Nothing was moving. Suddenly, a man knocks on the window.
The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's
going on?"
"Terrorists have kidnapped Congress, and they're
asking for a $100 million dollar ransom. Otherwise, they
are going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire.
We are ...
2 Comments, 156 Views,
14 Votes
,5.86 Score
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Football and the Blond 3/31/2013
SORRY, BUT ITS ANOTHER BLONDE IN—DISTRESS--
A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game.
They had great seats right behind their team's bench.
After the game, he asked her how she liked it.
"Oh, I really liked it, " she replied, "especially
the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't
understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents." ...
0 Comments, 100 Views,
6 Votes
,1.94 Score
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A few Jokes For you 3/29/2013
"That wife of mine is a liar, " said the angry
husband to a sympathetic pal seated next to him in the bar.
"How do you know?" the friend asked. "She
didn't come home last night, and when I asked her where
she'd been, she said she'd spent the night with
her sister, Shirley." "So?" the friend
replied. "So, she's a liar. I spent the night
with her sister Shirley!"
A guy walks into ...
0 Comments, 100 Views,
3 Votes
,3.43 Score
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Tip for successful Marriage 3/28/2013
An elderly woman is sitting on the porch sipping a glass
of wine with her Husband of 40 years
She says.."I love you so much...I don't know
what I'd do without you."
Husband asks..."Is that you or the wine talking?"
Wife replies:.."It's me....talking to the
wine."
0 Comments, 156 Views,
10 Votes
,5.77 Score
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"Are you a good golfer?" 3/24/2013
A golfer teed up his ball on the first tee, took a mighty swing
and hit his ball into a clump of trees. He found his ball and
saw an opening between two trees he thought he could hit
through.
Taking out his 3-wood, he took a mighty swing. The ball hit
a tree, bounced back, hit him in the forehead and killed
him.
As he approached the gates of Heaven, St. Peter asked, "Are
you a ...
1 Comments, 169 Views,
3 Votes
,2.45 Score
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"Did you hit him with that golf club?" 3/24/2013
Police are called to an apartment and find a woman, holding
a bloody 5-iron, standing over a lifeless man.
The detective asks, "Ma'am, is that your husband?"
"Yes" says the woman.
"Did you hit him with that golf club?"
"Yes, yes, I did." The woman begins to sob, drops
the club, and puts her hands on her face.
"How many times did you hit him?"
...
1 Comments, 152 Views,
5 Votes
,2.82 Score
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Short par-3 3/24/2013
A young man and a priest are playing together. At a short
par-3 the priest asks, "What are you going to use on
this hole, my ?"
The young man says, "An 8-iron, Father. How about
you?"
The priest says, "I'm going to hit a soft seven
and pray."
The young man hits his 8-iron and puts the ball on the green.
The priest tops his 7-iron and dribbles the ball out a few
yards. ...
0 Comments, 109 Views,
0 Votes
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Sex with a white woman?? 3/24/2013
Sex with a white woman??
Two black guys are at a bar talking, one says to the other, "You ever notice after you have
sex with a white woman that your eyes burn, your nose burns
and you get all teary-eyed? "
The second black guy says, "Yeah, all the time."
The other says, "Why is that?"
The second says, "I think it's the pepper spray."
0 Comments, 176 Views,
8 Votes
,4.17 Score
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HOSPITAL SEX 3/22/2013
A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months.
Nurses were in her room giving her a bed bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that
there was a slight response on the monitor whenever she
touched her there. They tried it again and sure enough, there was definite
movement.
They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling
him, 'As crazy ...
2 Comments, 163 Views,
5 Votes
,3.80 Score
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BEATLE JOKE 3/22/2013
What's the only thing keeping the Beatles from
another reunion?
Three more bullets....
1 Comments, 61 Views,
6 Votes
,1.37 Score
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PLASTIC SURGERY 3/22/2013
A woman went to a plastic surgeon and said that she needed
a pussy lip reduction. It needed to be confidential because
she didn't want anyone to know. The surgeon said that it will be completely confidential
and not to worry about it. The woman agreed to the surgery. Upon being wheeled to her room from recovery, she noticed
3 roses on her bed. What the hell is this, she screamed. No one is ...
2 Comments, 151 Views,
7 Votes
,4.31 Score
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PECANS IN THE CEMETERY 3/22/2013
PECANS IN THE CEMETERY
On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan
tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled
up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight,
and began dividing the nuts.
'One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me, '
said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the
fence.
Another boy came ...
0 Comments, 114 Views,
7 Votes
,4.06 Score
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stupid is,as stupid does 3/21/2013
alex & jose and tyrone were working on rebuilding the
twin towers. the lunch whistle blows and they are 60 floors
up on a beam. alex opens his lunch box and says sandwiches
again that's it! he jumps off and plummets to his death.
jose opens his lunch box and says im sick of eating burritos
and he jumps. tyrone opens his and says damn, fried chicken
again mane and he jumps. so the news crew shows ...
0 Comments, 117 Views,
2 Votes
,1.04 Score
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dragging 2 plastic garbage bags behind her 3/21/2013
A cute old lady was walking along dragging 2 plastic garbage
bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once
in a while a $20 fell out onto the sidewalk.
Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am,
there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."
"Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady.
"I'd better go back and see if I can find them.
Thanks for ...
0 Comments, 115 Views,
0 Votes
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Confession - One more time 3/20/2013
An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following
conversation ensues:
Man: 'I am 72 years old, have a wonderful wife of 50 years,
many , grandchildren, and great grandchildren.
Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitch-hiking.
We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three
times.'
Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'
Man: 'What sins?' ...
0 Comments, 186 Views,
8 Votes
,5.56 Score
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Soap Dispenser 3/19/2013
Two priests are off to the showers on night. They undress
and step into the showers and they realize there is no soap.
Father John says he has soap in his room and goes to get it
not bothering to dress. He grabs two bars of soap and heads
back to the showers. Halfway down the hall when he sees three nuns heading his
way. Having no place to hide, he stands against the wall
and freezes like a ...
0 Comments, 128 Views,
3 Votes
,2.94 Score
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Women have superpowers 3/19/2013
Women most certainly have superpowers... They get wet without water, they bleed without injury, they make boneless meat hard and they can make men eat without cooking!
0 Comments, 96 Views,
3 Votes
,1.96 Score
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