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Old joke different version 4/17/2013
The madam opened the brothel door in Milngavie and saw a
rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in
his late forties or early fifties.
"May I help you sir?" she asked.
The man replied, "I want to see Suzy."
"Sir, Suzy is one of our most expensive ladies Perhaps you would prefer someone else" , said the
madam.
He replied, "No, I must see Suzy." ...
0 Comments, 148 Views,
8 Votes
,4.41 Score
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Escape Convict 4/15/2013
A man escapes from a prison where he’s been locked up for
15 years He breaks into a house and inside, he finds a young couple
in bed. He ties him to a chair. While tying the wife to the bed, the
convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up
and goes into the bathroom. While he’s in there, the husband whispers over to his
wife, “Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his ...
3 Comments, 279 Views,
13 Votes
,3.98 Score
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Sometimes you need to listen to the whole story before you interrupt 4/15/2013
Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school
playground and go into the woods. Curious, he followed
the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace.
Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly
contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother. "Mommy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's
car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went ...
0 Comments, 175 Views,
11 Votes
,4.85 Score
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"What's your occupation?" 4/14/2013
A woman walks into an accountant's office and tells
him that she needs to file her taxes.
The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll
need to ask you a few questions. He gets her name, address.
Social Security number, etc. And then asks, "What's your occupation?"
"I'm a Lady of the night, " she says.
The accountant is somewhat taken aback and says, "
Let's try to ...
2 Comments, 171 Views,
8 Votes
,3.71 Score
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And now you know the rest of the story! 4/14/2013
A young Law student, having failed his Law exam, goes up
to his crusty old professor, who is renowned for his razor-sharp
legal mind.
Student:"Sir, do you really understand everything
about this subject?"
Professor: "Actually, I probably do. Otherwise
I wouldn't be a professor, would I?"
Student: "OK. So I'd like to ask you a question.
If you can give me the correct ...
0 Comments, 129 Views,
7 Votes
,3.80 Score
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Have you ever seen a twenty dollar bill 4/13/2013
Upon arriving home from work our hero was greeted by his
wife, dressed in a low cut and very sexy dress.
"Have you ever seen a twenty dollar bill all crumpled
up?" She asked.
"No, " said her husband.
She gave him a sexy little smile, slowly reached into her
cleavage and pulled out a crumpled twenty dollar bill.
"Have you ever seen a fifty all crumpled up?"
she ...
1 Comments, 171 Views,
10 Votes
,3.19 Score
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"touch of romance" 4/11/2013
Thought you might need a "touch of romance"
in your life - Ha, ha.
Wife, being the romantic sort, sent her husband a text:
“If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing,
send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you
are drinking send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your
tears. I love you!”
The husband, typically non-romantic, replied, ...
0 Comments, 119 Views,
7 Votes
,2.79 Score
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An old Italian man is dying 4/11/2013
Why Italian Fathers and Grandfathers pass their handguns
down through the family.
An old Italian man is dying. He calls his grandson to his
bedside, Guido, I wan' you lissina me. I wan' you
to take-a my chrome plated .38 revolver so you will always
remember me."
"But grandpa, I really don't like guns. How about
you leave me your Rolex watch instead?"
"You lissina me, ...
0 Comments, 133 Views,
11 Votes
,2.23 Score
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IF WOMEN ONLY TRUSTED THEIR HUSBANDS 4/10/2013
There comes a time when a woman just has to trust her husband...
For example...
A wife comes home late at night, and quietly opens the door
to her bedroom.
From under the blanket she sees four legs instead of two.
She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket
as hard as she can.
Leaving the covered bodies groaning, she goes to the ...
0 Comments, 158 Views,
9 Votes
,5.14 Score
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DILEMMA 4/9/2013
A STUDENT ASKED HIS ENGLISH PROFESSOR, “WHAT IS THE DEFINITION
OF A DILEMMA".
THE PROFESSOR SAID, “WELL, THERE'S NOTHING BETTER
THAN AN EXAMPLE TO ILLUSTRATE THAT DEFINITION".
"IMAGINE THAT YOU ARE LAYING IN A BIG BED WITH A BEAUTIFUL
NAKED YOUNG WOMAN ON ONE SIDE AND A GAY MAN ON THE OTHER".
"WHO ARE YOU GOING TO TURN YOUR BACK ON?"
1 Comments, 149 Views,
13 Votes
,5.16 Score
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Dresses - One more time 4/8/2013
Do you know that when a woman wears a leather dress, a man’s
HEART beats quicker, his throat gets DRY, he gets WEAK in
the knees and he thinks IRRATIONALLY.
Have you ever wondered why?
It’s because she smells like
A NEW TRUCK!
1 Comments, 126 Views,
6 Votes
,3.93 Score
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Spooner!! 4/8/2013
What's the difference between a nun and a woman in the
bath?
One has got a soul full of hope & the other has - a hole
full of soap!
0 Comments, 63 Views,
2 Votes
,3.81 Score
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Rude & Funny... 4/8/2013
Q...How can you tell if you've got a high sperm count...
A...Your date has to chew before they swallows Q...Why did god create alcohol? A...So ugly people can get laid..lol Q...Why did humpty dumpty push his girlfriend off the wall?
A...So he could see her crack. QWho makes more money a or a drug dealer? A...A because she can wash her crack and re-sell
it again & again.. Q...Why does a lick its ...
0 Comments, 89 Views,
2 Votes
,2.42 Score
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Locked her keys inside 4/7/2013
A woman received a call that her was sick.
She stopped by the pharmacy to get medication, Got back to her car and found that she had locked her keys
inside.
The woman found an old rusty coat hanger left on the ground.
She looked at it and said "I don't know how to use
this."
She bowed her head and asked God to send her HELP.
Within 5 minutes a beat up old ...
1 Comments, 172 Views,
10 Votes
,3.39 Score
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New golf terms 4/7/2013
Some new golf terms to use when you're out on the course...
A 'Rock Hudson' - a putt that looked straight,
but wasn't.
A 'Saddam Hussein' - from one bunker into another.
A 'Yasser Arafat' - butt ugly and in the sand.
A 'John Kennedy Jr.' - didn't quite make it
over the water.
A 'Rodney King' - over-clubbed.
An 'O.J.'- got away ...
1 Comments, 87 Views,
6 Votes
,3.37 Score
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"DO YOU HAVE AN OLD NEWSPAPER?" 4/7/2013
"DO YOU HAVE AN OLD NEWSPAPER?"
I was visiting with my last night when I asked if
she had an old newspaper.
"This is the 21st century, ” she said. “I don't
waste money on newspapers. Here, you can borrow my iPad."
So I did.
I can tell you this: That fly never knew what hit him.
0 Comments, 116 Views,
5 Votes
,4.45 Score
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Walk With Me As I Get Older 4/5/2013
Walk With Me As I Get Older
I hope this poem has the same effect on you as it did on me -
then my forwarding it will be worth the effort. Walk with
me by the water - worth the read...
A BEAUTIFUL POEM ABOUT GROWING OLDER:
Shit I forgot the words....
1 Comments, 104 Views,
8 Votes
,0.70 Score
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Adam & Eve 4/4/2013
Adam was in the garden of Eden and was lonely so God took one
of his ribs and made Eve.
Adam liked her so much that he and Eve had sex non-stop for
three days and nights.
After so much sex they began to get sore and to smell pretty
bad so Adam sent Eve off to clean up while he had a talk with
God.
God asked Adam what he thought of Eve and if she had helped
to make ...
0 Comments, 126 Views,
4 Votes
,2.47 Score
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Affair Joke 4/4/2013
A young associate was romantically ambushed in a darkened
room of the law firm. After months of the social isolation
that comes from eighty hour work weeks, the associate was
happy to reciprocate. However, when asked by a friend to
identify the lover, the associate was puzzled. "All
I know for sure is that it was a partner -- I had to do all the
work."
source: ...
0 Comments, 110 Views,
2 Votes
,3.12 Score
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Cleanup on aisle 25 4/3/2013
On the PA system: ‘Cleanup on aisle 25, we have a husband
down.
A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart.
The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their
cart. ‘What do you think you’re doing?’ asks the
wife. ‘They’re on sale, only $10 for 24 cans he replies. ‘Put them back, we can’t afford them demands the wife,
and so they carry on shopping. ...
0 Comments, 151 Views,
7 Votes
,4.31 Score
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AND THE WINNER IS.... 4/3/2013
These are actual comments made by South Carolina Troopers
that were taken off their car videos:
1. "You know, stop lights don't come any redder
than the one you just went through."
2. "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're
new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."
3. "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make
your birth certificate a ...
0 Comments, 123 Views,
8 Votes
,4.64 Score
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DRUNK AGAIN 4/2/2013
Paddy's been drinking all night in the pub and the
barman calls time so he stands up to leave and falls over.
He drags himself out of the door in the hopes that it will
sober him up and tries to stand again, and falls over. So
he drags himself home and tries to stand to reach the keyhole,
and falls over. He manages to open the door and drags himself
upto bed. Unable to stand again, he manages ...
0 Comments, 108 Views,
7 Votes
,3.30 Score
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ROMANTIC 4/2/2013
My wife told me last night "say something soft
and mushy to me" I said.."Oh shit"...
0 Comments, 64 Views,
3 Votes
,1.47 Score
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CROWD OF PEOPLE 4/2/2013
Jesus walks up to a crowd of people getting ready to stone
a lady to death for committing adultry. Jesus says, "
Whoever is without sin may cast the first stone."
So this lady walks up with a big ol' rock and smashes
it down on the poor lady and smashes her head wide open. The
lady dusts off her hands and starts walking away, and Jesus
shakes his head and says, "Mom, sometimes you really
piss ...
0 Comments, 111 Views,
7 Votes
,1.77 Score
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ROBINS 4/2/2013
A farmer plowed his field and two robins saw numerous
opportunities for food. They ate their fill of worms and
slugs. They rolled over on their backs and fell asleep.
Two farm cats snuck up on them and pounced. One says to the other, "I love baskin robins"....
0 Comments, 87 Views,
3 Votes
,3.43 Score
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TWO NUNS 4/2/2013
Two Nuns driving down a road when a Vampire lands on the
front of the car "Quick" says the first Nun, "show it your
cross" the second Nun leans out of the window and shouts "GET OFF MY FUCKING CAR YOU MOTHERFUCKER"...
0 Comments, 68 Views,
3 Votes
,1.47 Score
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DON'T PANIC 4/2/2013
PLEASE DON'T PANIC but I'm writing this from the emergency room. It turns out the new Dyson Ball cleaner isn’t what I thought
it was....
0 Comments, 58 Views,
2 Votes
,3.81 Score
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TOO PICKY 4/2/2013
Sometimes I think I’m too picky. Then I watch my dog
look for a place to shit....
0 Comments, 38 Views,
4 Votes
,1.69 Score
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MIXED UP 4/2/2013
My wife gets everything mixed up, I get my Steaks well
done, and my Blow Jobs are Rare....
0 Comments, 32 Views,
1 Votes
,5.00 Score
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APRILS FOOL DAY 4/1/2013
TODAY IS APRIL FOOLS DAY.
BELIEVE NOTHING AND TRUST NO ONE.
JUST LIKE ANY OTHER DAY....
0 Comments, 38 Views,
2 Votes
,3.81 Score
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