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Far too qualified for the job. 7/13/2013
This woman applied for a job in a Florida lemon grove and
seemed to be far too qualified for the job.
She had a liberal arts degree from the University of Michigan
and had worked as a social worker and a school teacher.
The foreman frowned and said, "I have to ask you, have
you had any actual experience in picking lemons?"
"Well, as a matter of fact, I have." ...
0 Comments, 96 Views,
4 Votes
,2.47 Score
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Bear Removal Service 7/12/2013
A man in northern Minnesota woke up one morning to find a
bear on his roof. He looked in the Yellow Pages, and sure
enough, there was an ad for "Up North Bear Removers."
He called the number listed and the bear remover said he'd
be over within an hour.
The bear remover arrived, and got out of his van.
He had a ladder, a baseball bat, a 12 gauge shotgun, and a
mean ...
0 Comments, 105 Views,
2 Votes
,1.73 Score
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Golf Joke I Haven't Heard Before 7/12/2013
Jim decided to tie the knot with his long time girlfriend.
One evening, after the honeymoon, he was cleaning his golf
shoes.
His wife was standing there watching him. After a long period of silence she finally speaks. "Honey,
I've been thinking, now that we are married I think
it's time you quit golfing. Maybe you should sell your
golf clubs."
Jim gets this horrified ...
0 Comments, 123 Views,
6 Votes
,5.07 Score
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cash a check 7/4/2013
President Obama walks into a local bank in Chicago to cash
a check. He is surrounded by Secret Service agents. As he
approaches the cashier he says, "Good morning Ma'am,
could you please cash this check for me?"
Cashier: "It would be my pleasure sir. Could you please
show me your ID?"
Obama: "Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as
I didn't think there was any need to. I am ...
2 Comments, 141 Views,
12 Votes
,4.92 Score
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When you are over sixty who gives a shit? 7/4/2013
This asshole looked at my beer belly last night and sarcastically
said, "Is that Corona or Bud?"
I said, "There's a tap underneath; taste it and
find out."
***********
I was talking to a girl in the bar last night. She said, "If
you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd
look all right."
I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your ...
1 Comments, 89 Views,
6 Votes
,4.50 Score
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Nantucket 6/26/2013
There once was a man from Nantucket, who had a dick so long he could suck it. He said with a grin, as he wiped off his chin, if his ear was a cunt he would fuck it!
1 Comments, 62 Views,
6 Votes
,1.94 Score
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Cowboy story 6/25/2013
A cowboy walks into a seedy café in Medicine Bow, Wyoming
... He sits at the counter and notices an old cowboy with his
arms folded staring blankly at a full bowl of chili.
After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at
it, the young Cowboy bravely asks the old cowpoke, "If
you ain't gonna eat that, mind if I do?"
The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young ...
0 Comments, 171 Views,
10 Votes
,3.78 Score
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One more time 6/24/2013
Ed & Nancy met while on a singles cruise, and Ed fell
head over heels for her.
When they discovered they lived in the same city, only a
few miles apart, Ed was ecstatic. He immediately started
asking her out when they got home.
Within a couple of weeks, Ed had taken Nancy to dance clubs,
restaurants, concerts, movies, and museums. Ed became
convinced that Nancy was indeed his ...
0 Comments, 175 Views,
11 Votes
,5.41 Score
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Ah, sweet love!!!! 6/24/2013
A middle-aged couple had finally learned how to send and
receive texts on their cell phones. The wife, being a romantic
at heart, decided one day that she'd send her husband
a text while she was out of the house having coffee with a
friend.
She texted:
If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are ...
0 Comments, 148 Views,
7 Votes
,4.31 Score
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YOU HAVE TO LOVE A GOOD NURSE 6/18/2013
A policeman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed
appendix. The doctors operated and advised him that all
was well; however, the patrolman kept feeling something
pulling at the hairs in his crotch.
Worried that it might be a second surgery and the doctors
hadn't told him about it, he finally got enough energy
to pull his hospital gown up enough so he could look at what
was making ...
1 Comments, 235 Views,
14 Votes
,5.38 Score
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3 nickels 6/18/2013
A father walks into a restaurant with his young . He gives
the young boy 3 nickels to play with to keep him occupied.
Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face.
The father realizes the boy has swallowed the nickels and
starts slapping him on the back. The boy coughs up 2 of the
nickels, but keeps choking. Looking at his , the father
is panicking, shouting for help. ...
0 Comments, 178 Views,
7 Votes
,5.59 Score
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Nintendo cartridge cock 6/16/2013
(Don't know if this really counts as a joke or not)
I love the girls that pretend my cock is an old school Nintendo
cartridge and blow it before they put it in.
0 Comments, 70 Views,
4 Votes
,0.92 Score
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He was a widower and she a widow. 6/14/2013
He was a widower and she a widow.
They had known each other for a number of years being high
school classmates and having attended class reunions
in the past without fail. This 60th anniversary of their
class, the widower and the widow made a foursome with two other
singles. They had a wonderful evening, their spirits high.
The widower throwing admiring glances across the table.
The ...
0 Comments, 174 Views,
11 Votes
,5.60 Score
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Vibrator 6/13/2013
I bought my wife a vibrator for her birthday.
She has done nothing but moan ever since...
1 Comments, 133 Views,
3 Votes
,3.43 Score
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'Who owns the dog' 6/11/2013
One hot summer day, a blonde came to town with her dog, tied
it under the shade of a tree, and headed into a restaurant
for something cold to drink.
Twenty minutes later, a policeman entered the restaurant
and asked, 'Who owns the tied under that tree outside?'
The blonde said it was hers. 'Your seems to be in
heat' the officer said.
The blonde replied, 'No way. She's ...
0 Comments, 215 Views,
13 Votes
,4.99 Score
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Drivers 6/10/2013
I saw a Land Cruiser with a bumper sticker saying : "
I am a vet, therefore I drive like an animal".
Suddenly I realized how many gynaecologists there are
on the roads.
0 Comments, 118 Views,
9 Votes
,4.07 Score
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Madonna 6/10/2013
When Madonna moved to England, she said she wanted to feel
more English.She is now an unmarried, single mother with
four all from different fathers.
Job well done, I think!
0 Comments, 90 Views,
6 Votes
,3.08 Score
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A the Alamo 6/8/2013
Davey Crockett , Jim Bowie and Bill Travis were sitting
on the wall at the Alamo looking over the hoard of Mexicans
moving in and surrounding them .
Davey leans over to Jim and says, " I have a question
for you and I fear the answer is no "
Jim responds back " well ask anyway , and I'll
answer as best as I can".
Davey says, "Ok. You didn't order in landscapers
this ...
1 Comments, 150 Views,
8 Votes
,2.32 Score
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The Importance of walking 6/6/2013
The Importance of walking Walking can add minutes to your life. This enables you at
85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing
home at $3, 000 per month.
My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60.
Now he's 97 years old And we have no idea where the hell he is.
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people
who annoy me. ...
0 Comments, 128 Views,
7 Votes
,3.80 Score
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A devout Arab Muslim 6/6/2013
A devout Arab Muslim entered a black cab in London . He curtly
asked the cabbie to turn off the radio because as decreed
by his religious teaching, he must not listen to music because
in the time of the prophet there was no music, especially
Western music which is the music of the infidel.
The cab driver politely switched off the radio, stopped
the cab and opened the door.
The ...
0 Comments, 162 Views,
17 Votes
,6.52 Score
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elderly couple 6/5/2013
Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Miami, are
all excited about their decision to get married. They go
for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass
a drugstore.. Jacob suggests they go in. Jacob addresses
the man behind the counter:
"Are you the owner?"
The pharmacist answers, "Yes."
Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell
heart ...
0 Comments, 134 Views,
3 Votes
,2.94 Score
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at the doctors' 6/5/2013
An elderly man goes into his doctors office for an annual
physical. After a while, the doctor comes out and says,
"I'm sorry Bill, but we have discovered you have
a condition which only allows you another 6 weeks to live."
"But Doctor, " Bill replied, "I feel
great. I haven't felt better in years. This just can't
be true. Isn't there anything I can do?"
After a moment the doctor ...
0 Comments, 132 Views,
6 Votes
,3.93 Score
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please mama 6/5/2013
A young couple got married and went on their honeymoon.
When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother.
"Well, " said her mother, "how was the
honeymoon?"
"Oh, mama, " she replied, "the honeymoon
as wonderful! So romantic..."
Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, mama, as soon
as we returned Sam started using the most horrible language
- things I'd ...
1 Comments, 194 Views,
15 Votes
,4.97 Score
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omg 6/5/2013
Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee.
The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My
is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him
'Father'."
The second Catholic man chirps, "My is a Bishop.
When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."
The third Catholic gent says, "My is a Cardinal..
When he enters a roomeveryone says ...
0 Comments, 133 Views,
9 Votes
,5.78 Score
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old man 6/5/2013
An old man is walking down the street one afternoon when
he sees a woman with perfect breasts.
He says to her, "Hey miss, would you let me BITE your
breasts for $100?"
"Are you nuts?!" she replies, and keeps walking
away.
He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner
before she does. "Would you let me bite your breasts
for $1, 000?" he asks again. ...
0 Comments, 125 Views,
3 Votes
,4.41 Score
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1st grade student 6/5/2013
A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks, was having trouble with
one of her students. The teacher asked, 'Harry, what's
your problem?'
Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade.
My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she
is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!'
Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's
office.
While Harry waited in ...
0 Comments, 171 Views,
6 Votes
,5.36 Score
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sincerely, edna 6/5/2013
This letter was sent to the School Principal's office
after the school had sponsored a luncheon for seniors.
An elderly lady received a new radio at the lunch as a door
raffle prize and was writing to say thank you.
Dear Lions Bay School,
God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent
Senior Citizens luncheon. I am 87 years old and live at the
West Vancouver Home for ...
0 Comments, 110 Views,
7 Votes
,5.84 Score
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parrot 6/5/2013
A magician worked on a cruise ship. The audience was different
each week, so the magician did the same tricks over and over
again.
There was one problem. The captain's parrot saw the
shows each week and began to understand how the magician
did every trick. Once he understood, he started shouting
in the middle of the show "Look, it's not the same
hat!" or, "Look, he's hiding the flowers ...
1 Comments, 93 Views,
7 Votes
,3.55 Score
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man in the house 6/5/2013
Tony had just finished reading a new book entitled, 'You
Can Be The Man of Your House.'
He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, 'From
now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and
my word is Law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight,
and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve
me a sumptuous dessert.
After dinner, you are going to go ...
0 Comments, 92 Views,
8 Votes
,4.64 Score
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farmhand 6/5/2013
A farmhand is driving around the farm, checking the fences.
After a few minutes he radios his boss and says, "Boss,
I've got a problem. I hit a pig on the road and he's
stuck in the bull-bars of my truck. He's still wriggling.
What should I do?"
"In the back of your truck there's a shotgun.
Shoot the pig in the head and when it stops wriggling you
can pull it out and throw it in a ...
0 Comments, 114 Views,
5 Votes
,3.47 Score
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